Out!!!

I need out. Out of San Angelo, out of Texas, out of all the familiarity and memories and everything I have been in the last 6 or 7 years. It's not like I'm running from my past or anything, but it's more like I've come to terms with everything that has happened in my life, and it's time to move on. If I stay here too long, I'll just be miserable forever. And I can't let myself do that. Plus, I know theres more out there for me than what is in San Angelo. Not saying San Angelo isn't an okay place or anything, but it's not the place for me.

I am generally okay most days. I am happy and I laugh and have fun and am just like any other person. But some days, I feel like a thousand ton train just ran into me. Some days are just flat out hard. Occasionally, something triggers it, but most times it's just a random bout of missing Sunshine. Today was kinda one of those days. It didn't seem that way... I went to he mall, and work, and came home and everything was just like normal. But ALL DAY I had this nagging sadness in the back of my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about Sunshine and how much I missed her. I just kept pushing it away, because I had things I needed to get done and I didn't have time to sit down and cry like I wanted to. Then I checked my email and I had new pictures and a video from her parents, and I finally just let it all go. So here I am, 2 1/2 hours later, stilll red eyed and looking at pictures of her. One time I heard a quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey. I loved it because it reminded me that, yes, I will hurt for Sunshine sometimes but I don't have to let it control me or bring me down. I am more than allowed to be sad, but I'm not allowed to pity myself.

Missing her hurts, but it's an odd kind of hurt. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a clean hurt. It's not a messy ragged unmanageable hurt that makes you feel insane or like your life has fallen apart, but it's the kind of hurt that feels like someone sliced your heart in half but they can easily sew it back together and it will heal. It's almost a hopeful hurt, like I'm so sad right now, but I know I'll be happy soon. And it hurts so bad, but I don't feel alone, and I'm not alone. Although I prefer to handle it that way. I'd rather cry when no ones around and I'd rather not "talk about it" with someone, and when I do feel like I want to, it's usually with my mom. But I don't usually. Probably just because no one can understand (except my wonderful birthmom friends), no matter how much I talk and explain it. So I sit alone, up late at night, and do my best to kind of put it all into words for this blog, trying to help myself and everyone else understand a little better what has happened. It acctually helps alot, just getting it out there. Now that I've written this blog post, I am done crying and most of the hurt has receded back to it's normal level of potency and now I just reaaallllyyy wanna go to bed.

You marry what you date.

So, as my life begins anew and I again enter into the social world as a considerably normal human being, I realize that at some point I will have boys who will be interested in me and ask me out. See, my issue before was that I would look for the good in people, and ignore the bad, leading me to be in compromising situations with less than honorable individuals. I have determined that I need to make a list of rules for myself for what kind of people I intend on considering as a future companion because if I don't set my standards high, I will end up in the same place I was 10 months ago.

#1 : Member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS).

I placed my baby for adoption so she could have an eternal family. I intend on having one too someday, and anyone who is not baptized in the LDS church cannot give me that opportunity. So from now on, I will only date guys who are LDS. And I don't just mean having their names on the records if the church, I mean serious member of the church who have strong testimonies and honor their priesthood. Now, I'm not saying I can't be friends with guys who are not LDS, because I have a few very close guy friends who aren't. I just wouldn't ever consider marrying them.

#2 : Respect for women...ALL women.

It disgusts me when men use degrading names for women. I don't care if a woman is a prostitute, she should never have degrading language used to reference her. A woman is a daughter of God, and should be treated like that. I learned the hard way not to judge people. When I was pregnant, I felt constantly judged for my situation. But most people didn't know me or how I felt about it or what I was doing to make amends for my choices. I felt like what people saw was a stupid girl who was unmarried and pregnant. I realized that we should never assume what is in a persons heart. I just want to marry a man who respects women for who they are as daughters of God and does not judge me or the other women around me.

These are just the first two in my list. More requirements will be added as I learn more about what I want in my future husband :)

A lonely heart.

People talk about birthmoms mourning the loss of their baby- the loss of the possiblities and memories. But I think I mourn the loss of my pregnancy more than Sunshine herself. Probably because I don't feel like I lost her, and that she was never mine in the first place. From the moment she was born, she was Jared and Amy's. And I am okay with that- in fact I'm happy about that. But the baby that was inside me, she was mine. Completely. And I loved having her there, all safe and warm and loved and perfect. She was my life, my reason for living and working and pushing myself as hard as I did while I was pregnant. Every movement I made was out of my love for her, to make sure she ended up where she belonged when she was born. And now I don't have that, and I'm lonely.

I really hate being lonely. I think just about anyone does. And I don't mean being alone- I enjoy being alone sometimes. It's the feeling of lonliness that really gets to me. Because I can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly lonely. I just feel like I don't have anybody or anything to love. When I just feel like I have so much to give somebody... but no one wants or needs it. And I don't mean a boyfriend or anything. I just want a friend, somebody to take care of and tell how wonderful they are and that I love them so much. And I feel like nobody wants that from me.

That's one of the things I miss about being pregnant... I never felt lonely. I always had my baby with me, and even though she couldn't talk to me or anything, I still always had her there. And whenever I felt like I just really needed to love somebody, she was there for me to love. She was completely dependent on me for life, and I felt needed. Like my love and care really mattered to someone and they loved me back.

There were so many nights while I was pregnant where I felt absolutely unloved and miserable. But I always had my baby with me and I could put my arms around my stomach and feel her kick and give her all the love I felt like nobody else wanted. But now I don't have that. I can still love her, but I get lonely now. Really lonely. This post isn't a pity party, I'm not depressed or looking for sympathy, I'm just being honest. I miss my baby. I miss being needed and I miss having someone to live for.

My wonderful, amazing, beautiful Sunshine :)

Is it wierd to wonder why I am okay?

It's 3 1/2 weeks since I placed Sunshine (that's what I'm calling her, because her parents don't like to put their kid's names out for the world to see) for adoption and I feel like I should be hurting more than I am. Or at least that people think I should be. I feel like people think I'm a bad person for being happy with my decision. I feel like everyone expects me to be absolutely devastated that I placed my baby for adoption. Or that they expect me to regret it. But when you know something is so right, how can you be sad about that? When you know that you did whats best for the person you love more than anything else, how can you be devastated? It doesn't hurt me to talk about her. The thought of her doesn't make me break down into tears (not often at least). And I don't think I will ever regret it.
I hear about other birthmoms who have and do struggle after placing their babies. That they're depressed for weeks afterwards and have postpartum depression and have regrets and all sorts of things. I don't feel that way, but I feel like people think I should and if I don't then I didn't care about my baby enough.

Maybe I'm doing so well because I prepared myself as much as humanly possible beforehand. I prayed constantly and studied the scriptures and talked to people I was close to and tried to anticipate everything I thought I would feel. I would cry for hours and hours before I had Sunshine, just thinking about it. Maybe I was already healing before she even left, or I was just so ready for it that I was able to heal easily.

Maybe it's because I had to go back to my life so quickly. I had Sunshine on a Monday, and the next Monday I was back at school. And a week and a half after going back to school, I went back to work. Maybe I have just been so busy that I haven't had a chance to feel bad for myself or feel depressed. I've kept moving forward and not let myself get stuck in the past or the "what could have been"'s if I had kept her.

Maybe it's because I don't feel like I lost her. I don't feel like I'm missing out on her life or that I don't know if she's okay, because I'm not. I get pictures of her all the time, and if I ever want to know how she's doing, her mom is just a text or a phone call away. Maybe it's because it's such a wonderfully open adoption. I never expected half as much as what I get from Jared and Amy. When I was considering adoption and trying to select a family, I had wished that I could have an adoption that was very open. But I didn't think I would get that, I assumed that people who were wanting to adopt wouldn't want me "intruding" on their lives too often. But I accepted that fact and went forward with my decision. But Jared and Amy were exactly what I had wished for, and maybe that complete trust and openness is why I'm okay.

Maybe it's because I feel God and his love so strongly in my life. I feel strengthened and upheld by him every day. Maybe it's because of Christ's Atonement. He atoned for our sins and afflictions, and made it possible for us to repent and have our burdens lifted. And because I am trying harder than I ever have before to be righteous, he is blessing me by taking so much of my pain away. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit is with me each day comforting me and reinforcing that my decision was right.

Maybe it's because I have so much love and support from all my friends and family. Maybe it's because I know I will get to see Sunshine again (hopefully soon). Maybe it's because I know so strongly that she really is Jared and Amy's daughter and I can't imagine taking that from them. Maybe it's because regretting it or feeling depressed wouldn't change anything.

Maybe it's a combination of everything above. Maybe everything in my life has come together so wonderfully that it has made it possible to come through this with love and hope and faith and I really shouldn't question that.

The Cutest Baby on Earth Award goes to...

This is a picture her mom sent me of her, getting ready to go on a walk!  I love her in the color pink, it's so perfect with her complexion and hair and eye color! Now can you see why I say she's my Sunshine :) I can't help but smile when I look at her.

I love her parents so much! Jared and Amy are the most wonderful people I have ever encountered, and are everything I could have hoped for in parents for her. They are so loving and open and never resent me for asking how things are that day. Also, she has the most adorable, funny big brother in the world! I never had an older brother, so I am so excited that she has one! And he was adopted also, so I know she'll never have be alone in the world of adopted kids :)

Thank you so much, Jared and Amy, for everything you are and for every wonderful update that you send me :)

Adoption vs Single Parenting vs Marriage

From the beginning, marriage was out of the question. I knew it was highly unlikely that the birthfather and I could have a successful relationship and marriage. We had different values and goals and would never be able to agree on anything. Someone asked me once, "Couldn't you try to be together? For the baby?" and the answer was no. "Trying" implies that there could be failure, and I wanted the most secure future for my baby. And "for the baby" never works. Forcing ourselves to deal with each other would just amount to tension and unhappiness, which wouldn't be any better for the child in the end.

So the other two options were single parenting and adoption. I wanted to keep her, more than anything. I wanted to keep her and raise her and be the most amazing mommy in the world. I could do it, I knew I could. I had it all worked out in my head. I would have my cosmetology license when I graduated, I could work as a hairdresser to support her. My mom is a stay at home mom and would watch her while I was at work, and the birthfathers mom said she was always willing to watch the baby if I needed her to. Once she was in school, I would work on getting my teaching degree so I could work while she was at school and be home with her in the evenings. Eventually, I might even find a guy that loved us both and I could get married and have a whole family. I wanted that so bad. But somehow I didn't feel right about that. I didn't feel right about making my mom practically raise my child for me while I worked, I didn't feel right about having her going between homes whenever it was her birthfathers turn to have her, I didn't feel right about getting married in the future because she would have to integrate herself into a whole different family. And mostly, I didn't feel right about depriving her of an eternal family. Now, for those who aren't LDS, families are extremely important to us. The following is a letter from the First Presidency of our church that explains our core values as they relate to the family.

The Family: A Proclaimation to the World

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.
We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

(To find out more about the LDS church, please visit lds.org )

**Now, I would like to point out that yes, I did violate these values when I made the choice that caused me to become pregnant, but when I became pregnant it really changed the way I saw life. I realized that many things that I didn't think mattered, such as chastity, really did matter. Alot.

So, as you can see, eternal families and family relationships and responsibilities mean alot to the people of my faith. If I kept my baby, she would not be able to have an eternal family because her father and I were not married to each other. I was raised in a wonderful eternal family, my parents love and cherish each other and love me and my siblings. The gospel is an important part of our lives and we work each day to help each other become better people and keep our covenants so we can maintain that eternal family. I have seen the blessings of eternal families in my life, and I didn't want her to miss out on those things. The only sure way to give that to her was through adoption.

After doing it, I can't imagine having done anything different than placing her with a family, but it wasn't an easy thing for me to come to terms with or do. I KNEW what was right, but I didn't WANT to do what was right. But I couldn't bring myself to not do it, no matter what I wanted. I felt that if I didn't do it, if I didn't place her with a family, I would be standing in the way of everything she was destined to be. And I knew she was meant to be an amazing person. Eventually, I was able to accept it, and then I became okay with it, and by the end, I was happy with the decision I made and was so overjoyed when I saw her with her family, and I knew without a doubt it was meant to be. It's hard to explain, but she was a part of Jared and Amy's family even before she was born or I signed the paperwork. And once all the stupid legal stuff is done going through, she will be able to be sealed to them and have her rightful eternal family.

And that is why I chose adoption. It wasn't because I didn't love her, or because I didn't think I could support her or that I was too immature to single parent. It was BECAUSE I love her, because I wanted her to be where she belonged. A birthmom named Tamra said, "If I had loved my baby an ounce less, I would have kept her." And I don't think I can say it any better than that.

Saying "I miss her" is an understatement.

Sometimes, it doesn't feel real. Sometimes, I feel like the last nine months were some sort of crazy wierd dream, and I woke up. It scares me. I ask myself, did all that really happen? Did I really do that? Was I ever really pregnant and gave birth and held that pretty little baby? I have a hard time believing it, it's almost surreal. Like it was a very long detailed book that I read in one sitting.

Or sometimes, I completely forget. I forget it all happened, like my brain pretends it never did. And then I look at my stomach and see the scars from the stretch marks, and I remember. 

But the worst are the times that it feels like it's still happening. The times that as I wake up in the morning and I think she's still there, inside me. I think I feel her move, I go to touch my stomach...and she's not there. I used to fall asleep with my hand under my shirt on my stomach, because I liked to feel her kicking, and I still do it out of habit. Occasionally, I think I hear her cry. It was really bad right after I placed her and left the hospital. I barely felt functional that evening, partially from the drugs, and partially from the shock of the initial separation. I will think I hear her cry, and sort of look for her and then remember she isn't here anymore. And then comes the brief moments of despair before I remind myself why I did what I did.

All of the above are just part of the healing process, my mind and heart and body are all still trying to balance eachother and figure out what exactly just happened to me. It will get better with time, but right now I just have to take it day by day and try make it through. I haven't failed yet, but I still pray everyday for strength. I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it. The hurt is more than worth it to know she is with her eternal family.