So, Utah is an odd place. And I fully intend to make a post about how freaking odd it really is, but right now I just want to focus on the fact that I now live in a much more populated area, that is also in proximity to a major city. And with this proximity and population there is alot of opportunity here that was not present in lil' old San Angelo. Not even as much as in an even bigger or more popular city, just more than San Angelo.
Well, at my beauty school (that I have to reattend to get my license in Utah), we get alot of "Guest Artists" who come to teach us new techniques and sell us products, tools, ect. One thing I have noticed about these artists is that they all talk about and profit and moving up in the world, and I don't see anything wrong with all that. Except I realized it really isn't something I care about.
Monday night we had a Redken artist (for those who are hair illiterate, she worked for one of the most presigious hair companies), and she was absolutely the sweetest lady ever, but she talked about money and how she had worked on celebrities, and everyone in the classroom wanted to know how to become a Redken artist. As I listened to her talk, and I have felt this many times before with other teachers too, I felt as if I HAD to become a rich stylist with high profile clients or else I would be a failure as a hairdresser. And I think that I felt that way because that is that standard that all stylists are held to- the closer you are to that, the better stylist you are!
I don't doubt my ability to make it to the big leagues as a stylist. I really think I could if I wanted to. But at that moment that I felt that pressure to be a wealthy stylist, I got very sad. Because if I did set that as my priority, it would mean all the other things I want to do, such as get a degree, marry, and have a family, would have to take a backseat. So, as my evening wore on, I sat there conflicted. The world tells me I should want to be a wealthy stylist, while, honestly, I don't think I want that. Don't get me wrong, the money and nice things and attention would probably be awesome, but at the same time, it means working long hours, travelling, and alot of responsibility, leaving very little time left over for the things that I feel REALLY matter.
Then that night I had this dream, and I feel like I disclose too many of my dreams to you blog readers, but I have found they really tell me things about myself. I don't think it's so much in a spiritual or vision related sort of way, just that my feelings manifest themselves wierdly in my dreams and since I remember my dreams so well, I can use them to figure out things about myself. Anyways, in this dream of mine, I always wore cute aprons. I had all these checkered and plaid aprons that I wore everyday, and I liked them. Well, I decided to try for a part in a movie, and so for some reason someone gave me a makeover basically and threw away all my aprons and I had to wear different, "better" clothes. And I missed my aprons, they were part of who I was. And when I saw my family, they all missed my aprons too, because they liked the Alisha who wore the apron.
Almost all hairstylists aspire to become rich and famous, or own their own salon, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that idea. But I think that I will be happiest in a nice little house, with my averagely paid husband and adorable kids...wearing my aprons.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Burrito.
(For those who don't know me or my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather.)
It was a typical Thursday night, and I showed up to Institute early as always for dinner. I don't remember what we ate, but I was wearing skinny jeans, my stud belt, a flowery black tank top and cardigan. I remember when Kelton walked in, wearing jeans and his A Day To Remember tshirt and looked utterly adorable. He was so happy and upbeat. I kept sneaking peeks up at him when he wasn't looking, and hoped he noticed me the way I was him. We then had class and afterward I hoped he would stay to play Scrud, but he took off pretty quickly. For the next week, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't remember his name, but my friend told me and I looked for him on Facebook but couldn't find him. On Sunday, I even went to his ward and hoped he wold be there but he wasn't. The next Thursday I went to institute with high hopes, and he was there! But this time he stayed to play Scrud. During the game we talked a little bit, and he was so sweet and a ton of fun. The whole time, I was contemplating giving him my number, but I was so nervous that he would just think I was crazy. I'm not usually the type of girl to give my number to someone I don't know, but every piece of me was telling me to do it. So I took a leap of faith, and I will never ever regret it.
But last night I got a message on Facebook, telling me that Kelton had been in an accident and died. The message came at 7:40... And I had only just spoken to him an hour before on the phone. I thought it was a joke, I called his cousin and demanded that he stop messing with me, but he wasn't. Kelton was gone. My best friend, my Zookeeper Kid, my Burrito. I really am not sure how to describe him, because all these words sound so mundane, but I guess I will try because I never want to forget the things he taught me. Kelton showed me what a real man is. He loved me no matter what my body looked like and appreciated my talents and quirks and wierd things I did for no reason. I told him everything and listened when he told me his secrets. I could tell him any mistake I ever made in the past, and he never cared or judged me for it. He loved hearing about Sunshine, and I promised him he could meet her someday, although he never had the chance on this earth. He was the most dedicated person I have ever known, and if he said he was going to do something, he did it... even if he botched it up a little. ;) I'm not going to make Kelton out to be perfect, because he wasn't. He was very imperfect, and thats one of the many reasons I loved him so much. He reminded me that I could be an amazing person, even if I messed up sometimes. We could talk and communicate so openly, even about difficult subjects, and he would try to see from my point of view and never get angry. We never had a fight even when we disagreed, although that was still rare. I have never met someone so like me, yet so different. We had many of the same experiences and views of religion and life, and leaned on eachother spiritually whenever we felt inadequate. We were much alike in that we were realistic and undramatic. He impressed me by his talent and passion for music, seeing as I had none. Some of my favorite memories with him is watching him play or listen to music, and the look he had in his eye and the happiness he felt at those moments. He worked very hard at his job, the military, and in his relationships, and accomplished so much for a boy his age.
Much of our friendship took place over long distance, but he would call me every morning to make sure I got up for school, text me frequently during the day, and we would talk on the phone or Skype every evening. I knew Kelton as a friend, a counselor, an inspiration, an example, a confidante, and the other end of my telepathy. I'm sad I only got to know him for the last 5 months of his life, but I'm grateful to have had at least that much, and I know I will see him again. I know he is up there with Heavenly Father and he still loves me, and I hope he has the girl that he deserves, because there was nothing he wanted more than a wife and children.
I miss you so much Kelton, and you set the standard high for every man after you. It's going to be a challenge for me to find someone who understands me like you did. Also, now that you're dead, I'm being all sappy and lovey-dovey (or at least as sappy as I can possibly get, you know I'm not the romantic type).
I love you times a billion!
It was a typical Thursday night, and I showed up to Institute early as always for dinner. I don't remember what we ate, but I was wearing skinny jeans, my stud belt, a flowery black tank top and cardigan. I remember when Kelton walked in, wearing jeans and his A Day To Remember tshirt and looked utterly adorable. He was so happy and upbeat. I kept sneaking peeks up at him when he wasn't looking, and hoped he noticed me the way I was him. We then had class and afterward I hoped he would stay to play Scrud, but he took off pretty quickly. For the next week, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't remember his name, but my friend told me and I looked for him on Facebook but couldn't find him. On Sunday, I even went to his ward and hoped he wold be there but he wasn't. The next Thursday I went to institute with high hopes, and he was there! But this time he stayed to play Scrud. During the game we talked a little bit, and he was so sweet and a ton of fun. The whole time, I was contemplating giving him my number, but I was so nervous that he would just think I was crazy. I'm not usually the type of girl to give my number to someone I don't know, but every piece of me was telling me to do it. So I took a leap of faith, and I will never ever regret it.
But last night I got a message on Facebook, telling me that Kelton had been in an accident and died. The message came at 7:40... And I had only just spoken to him an hour before on the phone. I thought it was a joke, I called his cousin and demanded that he stop messing with me, but he wasn't. Kelton was gone. My best friend, my Zookeeper Kid, my Burrito. I really am not sure how to describe him, because all these words sound so mundane, but I guess I will try because I never want to forget the things he taught me. Kelton showed me what a real man is. He loved me no matter what my body looked like and appreciated my talents and quirks and wierd things I did for no reason. I told him everything and listened when he told me his secrets. I could tell him any mistake I ever made in the past, and he never cared or judged me for it. He loved hearing about Sunshine, and I promised him he could meet her someday, although he never had the chance on this earth. He was the most dedicated person I have ever known, and if he said he was going to do something, he did it... even if he botched it up a little. ;) I'm not going to make Kelton out to be perfect, because he wasn't. He was very imperfect, and thats one of the many reasons I loved him so much. He reminded me that I could be an amazing person, even if I messed up sometimes. We could talk and communicate so openly, even about difficult subjects, and he would try to see from my point of view and never get angry. We never had a fight even when we disagreed, although that was still rare. I have never met someone so like me, yet so different. We had many of the same experiences and views of religion and life, and leaned on eachother spiritually whenever we felt inadequate. We were much alike in that we were realistic and undramatic. He impressed me by his talent and passion for music, seeing as I had none. Some of my favorite memories with him is watching him play or listen to music, and the look he had in his eye and the happiness he felt at those moments. He worked very hard at his job, the military, and in his relationships, and accomplished so much for a boy his age.
Much of our friendship took place over long distance, but he would call me every morning to make sure I got up for school, text me frequently during the day, and we would talk on the phone or Skype every evening. I knew Kelton as a friend, a counselor, an inspiration, an example, a confidante, and the other end of my telepathy. I'm sad I only got to know him for the last 5 months of his life, but I'm grateful to have had at least that much, and I know I will see him again. I know he is up there with Heavenly Father and he still loves me, and I hope he has the girl that he deserves, because there was nothing he wanted more than a wife and children.
I miss you so much Kelton, and you set the standard high for every man after you. It's going to be a challenge for me to find someone who understands me like you did. Also, now that you're dead, I'm being all sappy and lovey-dovey (or at least as sappy as I can possibly get, you know I'm not the romantic type).
I love you times a billion!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Daddy!
Some time last year, I was sitting in church, quite a few months pregnant, and my dad was giving the talk. His talk was on priesthood, and I really don't remember much other than that, but seeing him up there, so powerful and filled with the spirit, made me realize I had to have that for my little girl. I realized that I couldn't imagine her growing up without a worthy priesthood holder as a father.
If I kept her, she would have a grandfather that had the priesthood, but her father would not. She would miss out on the opportunity for so many things, like Father's blessings and her dad baptizing her. It broke my heart to think that if I kept her she could not have those things.
I think this was when I first truly and honestly started considering adoption, because my dad was such a huge part of my life, and I wanted her dad to be just as amazing as mine. So I placed Sunshine, and now she has a wonderful father named Jared, who is most definitely everything I had wanted for my little girl. He is a smart, kind, loving man who is completely devoted to God and his family.
So, this Fathers Day I would like to recognize these amazing fathers who are awesome examples to me and Sunshine. I love you and thank you for all your hard work, love, and devotion you show the women and children in your life!!!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Birthfather.
I used to think I loved Sunshine's birthfather. And I think I maybe did in a way, but I don't know in what way that was. Because I didn't love him until I was about 4 months into my pregnancy and now, six months later, I don't love him at all. I've sort of struggled with it inside my head, I havent been sure if I loved him or not, and then last night I had this dream.
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Most Wonderful Day EVER!
So I haven't posted in forever, because my life has been pretty much insane lately. I finished off my first year of college, finished working at Smartstyle, moved to Provo, and saw Sunshine again for the first time in 6 months. And all that happened in a week. Talk about exhausting. So I have spent the last few days sitting on the couch in my apartment watching TV. The last time I sat on the couch for more than ten minutes was when I was 9 months pregnant- and pretty much couldn't do anything except sit on a couch.
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.
I think this picture is adorable!
Her family after the sealing :)
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.
First haircut!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Feelings.
I've started to feel guilty recently. Like, that I'm not involved enough with Sunshine and her parents. Like, that by going on with my own life I'm forgetting her and not keeping her as a priority in my life.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.
But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.
But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Perks to being a Birthmother
So, everyone thinks being a birthmother is all depressing and sad, which it is sometimes, but there is a ton of amazing things about being a birthmother and I've been thinking about those things alot lately, especially since I've been feeling really okay.
Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!
Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.
Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.
Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!
Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.
Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.
Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P
Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!
Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.
Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.
Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!
Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.
Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.
Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P
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