Daddy!

Some time last year, I was sitting in church, quite a few months pregnant, and my dad was giving the talk. His talk was on priesthood, and I really don't remember much other than that, but seeing him up there, so powerful and filled with the spirit, made me realize I had to have that for my little girl. I realized that I couldn't imagine her growing up without a worthy priesthood holder as a father.

If I kept her, she would have a grandfather that had the priesthood, but her father would not. She would miss out on the opportunity for so many things, like Father's blessings and her dad baptizing her. It broke my heart to think that if I kept her she could not have those things. 

I think this was when I first truly and honestly started considering adoption, because my dad was such a huge part of my life, and I wanted her dad to be just as amazing as mine. So I placed Sunshine, and now she has a wonderful father named Jared, who is most definitely everything I had wanted for my little girl. He is a smart, kind, loving man who is completely devoted to God and his family.

So, this Fathers Day I would like to recognize these amazing fathers who are awesome examples to me and Sunshine. I love you and thank you for all your hard work, love, and devotion you show the women and children in your life!!!

 

 

 

The Birthfather.

I used to think I loved Sunshine's birthfather. And I think I maybe did in a way, but I don't know in what way that was. Because I didn't love him until I was about 4 months into my pregnancy and now, six months later, I don't love him at all. I've sort of struggled with it inside my head, I havent been sure if I loved him or not, and then last night I had this dream.
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!

The Most Wonderful Day EVER!

So I haven't posted in forever, because my life has been pretty much insane lately. I finished off my first year of college, finished working at Smartstyle, moved to Provo, and saw Sunshine again for the first time in 6 months. And all that happened in a week. Talk about exhausting. So I have spent the last few days sitting on the couch in my apartment watching TV. The last time I sat on the couch for more than ten minutes was when I was 9 months pregnant- and pretty much couldn't do anything except sit on a couch.
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared  and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision  in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.

 I think this picture is adorable!

 Her family after the sealing :)

First haircut!

Feelings.

I've started to feel guilty recently. Like, that I'm not involved enough with Sunshine and her parents. Like, that by going on with my own life I'm forgetting her and not keeping her as a priority in my life.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.

But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.

Perks to being a Birthmother

So, everyone thinks being a birthmother is all depressing and sad, which it is sometimes, but there is a ton of amazing things about being a birthmother and I've been thinking about those things alot lately, especially since I've been feeling really okay.

Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!

Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.

Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.

Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!

Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.

Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.

Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P

BABIES!

So, since I had Sunshine, I have been terrified of babies. I've never been a big babies person, some girls love to play with peoples babies and just think they're all so cute and wonderful. Me? Not so much. A baby is a baby to me, maybe because I am an oldest child and helped take care of Darby and Hunter when they were born so it's all just old news for me. Maybe just because I'm just not really all that maternal or because I'm intellectual and babies aren't so much.  I don't know. I've just never been a baby person.

When I was pregnant, I became very interested in other peoples babies. I asked myself many times, "Can I see myself doing this? With my own baby? For an extended period of time?" It was kinda fun to think of how it would be if I kept Sunshine but at the same time I was terrified.  I never really liked babies before, what made me think I could like one now?  Would it just drive me crazy trying to interact with something that couldn't do anything for itself? Would I get frustrated that I had to do everything for her? Babies are hard work, and I was well aware of it.

Then I had Sunshine, and taking care of her in the hospital is pretty much the highlight of my life so far. I was so suprised at how maternal I really could be! I loved Sunshine so much and I was completely wrapped around her finger, if she made even a peep I would come running. She was so cute! I think I did a pretty good job of taking care of her for my 48 hours, and I have no idea how it would have been in the long run, but I like to think I would have been a great mother to Sunshine. No matter what, I loved her to death and she was and still is the most beautiful, wonderful, adorable baby ever born on this earth.

Now I come to my fear of babies, which I have just recently conquered.  I was afraid of babies ever since I left the hospital for fear of having a complete meltdown from missing Sunshine. Thank goodness no one I knew had a baby in the few weeks before or after I had Sunshine, and somehow I never came in contact with any that I knew had been born recently. I was really anxious about it, just because I wasn't sure how I would feel - whether I would be upset, or happy, or just not care.  One time right after I went back to work a girl came into the salon who had a baby about the same age as Sunshine. I didn't know the girl and didn't get a good look at her baby but I went in the back and cried a little, but mostly out of fear of that little person in the car seat. Utter fear that if I saw the baby I would fall apart. She left and I never had to confront it, but sometimes I wonder how I would have felt if I looked in the car seat. Would I have seen Sunshine looking back at me?

Just a few weeks ago, I went to my friend Liz's house. Liz is a birthmom also, except she placed her baby about 4 years ago.  She is now married and has 2 kids, her youngest being a girl 2 months younger than Sunshine.  I had just walked in the door when her son was throwing a fit and her girl crying a little. While she was dealing with her son, I picked up her daughter. I held her for a minute, expecting a flood of memories and tears....and nothing. Yeah, she was an adorable baby, but I felt no longing for Sunshine like I thought I would. I didn't start crying or hurting and I pretty much felt the same way about this baby as I did with babies before mine.  My fear was conquered.

I've come to the conclusion that I love my baby, but other people's not so much. I might be a shame to the female gender for not loving everybody's babies, but thats just how it is.  Nobody else's baby is as awesome as mine, so I guess I just don't feel the same way about them. (That was a joke...kinda.) And maybe it's partially cause most babies I see don't look to much like Sunshine - alot of the babies at my church are light skinned, blonde and mostly bald. Sunshine is part Hispanic, and so she has darker complexion and a ton of dark brown hair.  So I don't even relate them inside of my head. 

I still wanna have more babies, probably like 5 or something, (with my husband obviously) but they're going to be MY babies, with my genetics, and I will love them just as much as I love Sunshine. But until then, I am perfectly happy loving my baby and nobody else's!!!! :)

Open Adoption: A Modern Marvel

So as everyone around me discusses the terrible things about modern society - drugs, media, politics - I am so extremely greatful that I live in this period of time. Why? Because even just fifteen years ago, open adoption was unheard of. Because open adoption is such a new aspect of adoption, most people don't know exactly what it entails, so I decided to write a post about it. Now, every adoption scenario is very different, so what I say about open adoption isn't always the case, but its what I know and have seen in my short time in the adoption world.

Okay, so I'll start by setting out what adoption in general entails.  There is generally 3 people or group of people involed - the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the child.  The birthparents, obviously, ae the biological parents of the child, and the adoptive parents are the ones adopting the child.  Many times the adoption happens through an adoption agency - mine was LDS family services (who are awesome, you can check out their unwed parent help center at itsaboutlove.org ). The adoption agency generally is the mediator between the birthparents, adoptive parents, and the law.  They help birthparents and adoptive parents meet, handle all the paperwork and legal details, and in many cases provide counseling and guidance to both birth and adoptive parents. 

Legally, a child is not placed with their adoptive parents until 48 hours after it's birth.  This is for the protection of the birthmother, to make sure she is thinking clearly when she places and is not on any major drugs. After that, the adoption isn't completely finalized until 6 months after placement.  When a girl places her baby for adoption, she gives up ALL rights and responsibilities for the child.  She can never get her child back, no matter what. So what if in 5 years she decides she wants her baby? Well too bad. Can't have it. It sounds kinda harsh, but at the same time, trying to take your baby back later isn't fair to the child or their parents. Placing a baby is a lifetime committment - almost even a lifestyle. It's a decision a birthmom deals with everyday and eventually learns to cope with it and it's effects on her life.
And this is where open adoption and closed adoption split - in an open adoption, some form of contact remains between the two sets of parents, while in closed adoption, there is no identifying information exchanged and neither set of parents meet or ever hear from eachother again.  Open adoptions have many "levels of openness". The level of openness is a mutual agreement between the birthparents and adoptive parents and is NOT legally inforced in any way. Open adoption depends solely on the honor of adoptive parents and their committment to keeping their child's birth parents informed. If one day Sunshine's adoptive parents dropped off the face of the earth and never spoke to me again, theres not a whole lot I could do about it. Not that I think this will happen, it won't, Jared and Amy are too wonderful for that :) but it happens to a lot of birthmothers and can cause alot of heartache.

There is alot of pros and cons to open adoptions, and everyone has their own comfort level and that's why adoption stories are all so different. But I think the best thing about open adoption is that  nobody has to wonder! Many people hear about people who are traumatized by the fact that they are adopted and wish they could know "where they came from" or know about their biological parents.  Sunshine will never wonder.  She will always know me and where she came from and why and how she ended up with Jared and Amy.  She will never have to wonder what I looked like or about what kind of person I am or what characteristics she got from me. And on the flip side, I will always know about her. I will never have to wonder what she looks like or how she acts or what her favorite color is.  I will never wonder if she is okay or how she is doing.  And that is such a blessing to me.  And lastly, her parents will never have to wonder where their daughter came from or why she is the way she is.

I am super lucky, and have more openness than I ever expected. I went searching for Sunshine's family with the attitude that I needed to find the parents who were right for her, not for me. I assumed that anyone looking to adopt didn;t want me interfering in their lives to often.  Now, Sunshine's parents and I have an amazing relationship and they are so unbelivably open and kind.  Just the other night, Sunshine got a stomach bug and her mom took her to the doctor, it ended up not being a big deal, but she called me the next day, just to let me know! And although I don't expect her to do things like that, I know she knows how to take care of her own baby and I trust her with it all, I appreciated the thought so much.  She didn't have to do it, but she still did. Just because Jared and Amy are so awesome.

I don't know if I would be so okay with the adoption if it wasn't for the openness. I don't know if I could have gotten through my first week post-placement if I couldn't have texted them everyday just to see how she was doing.  I don't that I would be able to talk about her so openly and in everyday conversation if I didn't have the openness. Sunshine isn't a secret and I'm not ashamed of her and I'm proud to be able to show people pictures of her whenever they ask how she's doing.

One time, Amy took Sunshine to the doctor and one of the nurses asked her if she had some condition while she was pregnant, and Amy says "Well, shes adopted, but I can call and ask if you'd like!" and the nurse just gave her an odd look and says "No, thats okay, I'll let you know if we really need it.". People aren't accustomed to the idea of open adoption, but slowly, it is becoming more prevalent and hopefully someday all the bad generalizations and stigmas about adoption will fade away because adoption truly is a beautiful miracle that blesses so many people today.