But I live in Provo, Utah, where the majority of females I associate with are normal college age women. And not that they are physically perfect or anything, but they are generally attractive girls, with normal body types. Like I said, not perfect, and everybody is a little different, but most of them have never grown a person inside their stomach. And so sometimes I worry about my body. I go to the pool, and I see other girls, and I notice that I have just a slightly different shape to my body. And sometimes I see one of my roommates stomach and remember that mine isn't smooth skin, I have stretch mark scars. And I see a girl in shorts, and remember that I have vericose veins on my legs and so I couldn't wear those shorts if I wanted to. Sometimes I am sad that now I have scars on my stomach, and vericose veins on my legs, and a little bit of a pudge on my belly that will never really go away.
I recently read an article about "What Postpartum Bellies Really Look Like", and it had some pictures women had submitted of their bellies at different times after having a baby. I was reminded that yes, other women have ugly stomachs too, and it's normal and okay. These ladies have some guts to show their stomachs on the internet, and sorry, you won't get a shot of mine, but it's the reality of what pregancy can do to a woman's body. Honestly, I look like any typical woman who has had a child, and compared to many of these, I'm actually doing really well!
(http://blogs.babble.com/babys-first-year-blog/2012/02/02/what-our-post-baby-bellies-really-look-like/)
But sometimes I worry about my future husband. Yes, I know that that guy I marry will love me no matter what, but I still am insecure about the fact that he isn't getting some pretty girl with a nice body. I feel like I am ripping him off or something. Like I said, I know that he will love me, and in the end my body doesn't matter, it would get all screwed up by kids anyways, but that doesn't keep insecurities from creeping into my mind. I just do my best to remember that I'm beautiful just the way I am, and if a guy doesn't agree, he isn't worth my time.
I can't be the first birthmom to worry about my body. Us birthmoms are put in a tight position, where we give up our pretty, youthful bodies for a child that we don't raise. It seems to other people like we go through all the suffering of pregnancy and childbirth, with nothing to show for it. Of course, we know better, because I would trade my body for Sunshine's happiness any day.
So, I'm learning to love my slightly distorted and scarred body. I like to think it tells part of my life story. My body will never let me forget what I went through for Sunshine, and I never want to. It's not perfect, and far from pretty, but it is beautiful in a corny, idealistic way. I think the scars feel kind of cool when I run my fingers over them, and I joke with my sisters that my loose skin feels like bread dough (though that is improving with time). I dress for my altered body type, and to be honest, I sometimes wear spandex to give the illusion of a more youthful silhouette. Also, I have a decently pretty face, so I like to think that it helps make up for the lesser attractive areas of my body. Most days I don't worry about my body too much, but there are those days where I just feel super disgusting and ugly, as all women do sometimes. And on those days, I just avoid the scale, eat a salad instead of ice cream, and look at pictures of my beautiful Sunshine. :)
LOOK AT THOSE CUTE TEETH!!!!!!!!!
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