So as everyone around me discusses the terrible things about modern society - drugs, media, politics - I am so extremely greatful that I live in this period of time. Why? Because even just fifteen years ago, open adoption was unheard of. Because open adoption is such a new aspect of adoption, most people don't know exactly what it entails, so I decided to write a post about it. Now, every adoption scenario is very different, so what I say about open adoption isn't always the case, but its what I know and have seen in my short time in the adoption world.
Okay, so I'll start by setting out what adoption in general entails. There is generally 3 people or group of people involed - the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the child. The birthparents, obviously, ae the biological parents of the child, and the adoptive parents are the ones adopting the child. Many times the adoption happens through an adoption agency - mine was LDS family services (who are awesome, you can check out their unwed parent help center at itsaboutlove.org ). The adoption agency generally is the mediator between the birthparents, adoptive parents, and the law. They help birthparents and adoptive parents meet, handle all the paperwork and legal details, and in many cases provide counseling and guidance to both birth and adoptive parents.
Legally, a child is not placed with their adoptive parents until 48 hours after it's birth. This is for the protection of the birthmother, to make sure she is thinking clearly when she places and is not on any major drugs. After that, the adoption isn't completely finalized until 6 months after placement. When a girl places her baby for adoption, she gives up ALL rights and responsibilities for the child. She can never get her child back, no matter what. So what if in 5 years she decides she wants her baby? Well too bad. Can't have it. It sounds kinda harsh, but at the same time, trying to take your baby back later isn't fair to the child or their parents. Placing a baby is a lifetime committment - almost even a lifestyle. It's a decision a birthmom deals with everyday and eventually learns to cope with it and it's effects on her life.
And this is where open adoption and closed adoption split - in an open adoption, some form of contact remains between the two sets of parents, while in closed adoption, there is no identifying information exchanged and neither set of parents meet or ever hear from eachother again. Open adoptions have many "levels of openness". The level of openness is a mutual agreement between the birthparents and adoptive parents and is NOT legally inforced in any way. Open adoption depends solely on the honor of adoptive parents and their committment to keeping their child's birth parents informed. If one day Sunshine's adoptive parents dropped off the face of the earth and never spoke to me again, theres not a whole lot I could do about it. Not that I think this will happen, it won't, Jared and Amy are too wonderful for that :) but it happens to a lot of birthmothers and can cause alot of heartache.
There is alot of pros and cons to open adoptions, and everyone has their own comfort level and that's why adoption stories are all so different. But I think the best thing about open adoption is that nobody has to wonder! Many people hear about people who are traumatized by the fact that they are adopted and wish they could know "where they came from" or know about their biological parents. Sunshine will never wonder. She will always know me and where she came from and why and how she ended up with Jared and Amy. She will never have to wonder what I looked like or about what kind of person I am or what characteristics she got from me. And on the flip side, I will always know about her. I will never have to wonder what she looks like or how she acts or what her favorite color is. I will never wonder if she is okay or how she is doing. And that is such a blessing to me. And lastly, her parents will never have to wonder where their daughter came from or why she is the way she is.
I am super lucky, and have more openness than I ever expected. I went searching for Sunshine's family with the attitude that I needed to find the parents who were right for her, not for me. I assumed that anyone looking to adopt didn;t want me interfering in their lives to often. Now, Sunshine's parents and I have an amazing relationship and they are so unbelivably open and kind. Just the other night, Sunshine got a stomach bug and her mom took her to the doctor, it ended up not being a big deal, but she called me the next day, just to let me know! And although I don't expect her to do things like that, I know she knows how to take care of her own baby and I trust her with it all, I appreciated the thought so much. She didn't have to do it, but she still did. Just because Jared and Amy are so awesome.
I don't know if I would be so okay with the adoption if it wasn't for the openness. I don't know if I could have gotten through my first week post-placement if I couldn't have texted them everyday just to see how she was doing. I don't that I would be able to talk about her so openly and in everyday conversation if I didn't have the openness. Sunshine isn't a secret and I'm not ashamed of her and I'm proud to be able to show people pictures of her whenever they ask how she's doing.
One time, Amy took Sunshine to the doctor and one of the nurses asked her if she had some condition while she was pregnant, and Amy says "Well, shes adopted, but I can call and ask if you'd like!" and the nurse just gave her an odd look and says "No, thats okay, I'll let you know if we really need it.". People aren't accustomed to the idea of open adoption, but slowly, it is becoming more prevalent and hopefully someday all the bad generalizations and stigmas about adoption will fade away because adoption truly is a beautiful miracle that blesses so many people today.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I didn't want myself.
Tomorrow will be exactly 12 weeks since I placed Sunshine. It was the day that I signed the paperwork that said I was no longer "Alisha and Sunshine" but "just Alisha" again. It doesn't feel like its been so recent. It feels like it happened a long long time ago, like a different life or something. I remember for weeks before having her I just wanted it to be over with. I just wanted to have my baby, place her with her parents, and get on with my life. I was so stressed and emotionally exhausted and tired of being huge and fat.
And some days, unbelievably, I wish I could go back to that life. I get tired of being "just Alisha". I wish I could see her little feet and hands poking through my stomach. I wish I could feel her hiccup just one last time. Thinking back makes me wish I would have cherished all those little things while I was pregnant.
Anyways, after that little memoir of my pregnancy, I come to my true dilemma in life: Boys. I had it easy when I was pregnant...not many guys are into pregnant girls, and therefore I wasn't confronted with it for a long time. Now, I must re-learn to socialize with members of the opposite sex. Not that I didn't talk to guys while I was pregnant...I did, but I felt no pressure to want them to like me. I knew they didn't and wouldn't. But now! Now, I again feel the yearning of a young girl for attention from boys. I want them to think I'm cute and flirt with me and want to hang out. And even before I was pregnant, that was all I had ever wanted from a boy. His attention! I just wanted to feel special and pretty. Which ended up being fatal for me.
I don't know when it happened exactly, or why, or how, but I know that at some point between ages 12 and 14 my sense of self worth began depending on boys and not myself and who I knew I was. I started struggling with depression. I thought I was fat and ugly. I felt untalented and uninteresting and unwanted. I became very shy, fearful of people and socializing. Which was not characteristic of me. When I was younger I was never shy or depressed, I was confident in myself as a cute, smart, fun girl. And somewhere, somehow, that awesome girl started hating herself.
The only time I didn't hate myself was when I had a guy constantly telling me I was pretty or fun or cool. If someone else didn't want me, I didn't want myself. It was a cycle, slowly deepening each time I met a new boy. It went like this: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl and gives her a little attention. Girl likes boy alot more. Boy gives girl a little more attention. Girl keeps liking boy more. Boy begins to lose interest. Girl becomes desperate to get that little bit of attention again. So she does whatever it takes to keep his interest...which meant giving up a little more of herself than she really ever wanted to. Eventually boy loses interest completely and girl is hurt and confused. And it happens again and again and again. Except each time the girl gives up a little more and a little more hoping each time that the new boy will stay...and he never does.
I stopped believing I was worth anything. Nobody wanted me. I was ugly and fat and boring. It breaks my heart now to look back at myself when I was 17; I really was pretty and smart. But I thought that I needed some immature guy to tell me it for it to be true. But now I look in the mirror, and although I am 10 lbs heavier with stretchmark scars and I will never look quite the same again...I love myself. For exactly who I am. For the intelligent, talented, beautiful daughter of God that I was when I was born and always have been.
So, to other teenage girls, don't do like I did and forget what you're worth. Don't forget who you are. You are "priced far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10) Even if some 15 year old boy who doesnt know his left hand from his right tells you you're not- you are. I know it, God knows it, and you know it.
And some days, unbelievably, I wish I could go back to that life. I get tired of being "just Alisha". I wish I could see her little feet and hands poking through my stomach. I wish I could feel her hiccup just one last time. Thinking back makes me wish I would have cherished all those little things while I was pregnant.
Anyways, after that little memoir of my pregnancy, I come to my true dilemma in life: Boys. I had it easy when I was pregnant...not many guys are into pregnant girls, and therefore I wasn't confronted with it for a long time. Now, I must re-learn to socialize with members of the opposite sex. Not that I didn't talk to guys while I was pregnant...I did, but I felt no pressure to want them to like me. I knew they didn't and wouldn't. But now! Now, I again feel the yearning of a young girl for attention from boys. I want them to think I'm cute and flirt with me and want to hang out. And even before I was pregnant, that was all I had ever wanted from a boy. His attention! I just wanted to feel special and pretty. Which ended up being fatal for me.
I don't know when it happened exactly, or why, or how, but I know that at some point between ages 12 and 14 my sense of self worth began depending on boys and not myself and who I knew I was. I started struggling with depression. I thought I was fat and ugly. I felt untalented and uninteresting and unwanted. I became very shy, fearful of people and socializing. Which was not characteristic of me. When I was younger I was never shy or depressed, I was confident in myself as a cute, smart, fun girl. And somewhere, somehow, that awesome girl started hating herself.
The only time I didn't hate myself was when I had a guy constantly telling me I was pretty or fun or cool. If someone else didn't want me, I didn't want myself. It was a cycle, slowly deepening each time I met a new boy. It went like this: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl and gives her a little attention. Girl likes boy alot more. Boy gives girl a little more attention. Girl keeps liking boy more. Boy begins to lose interest. Girl becomes desperate to get that little bit of attention again. So she does whatever it takes to keep his interest...which meant giving up a little more of herself than she really ever wanted to. Eventually boy loses interest completely and girl is hurt and confused. And it happens again and again and again. Except each time the girl gives up a little more and a little more hoping each time that the new boy will stay...and he never does.
I stopped believing I was worth anything. Nobody wanted me. I was ugly and fat and boring. It breaks my heart now to look back at myself when I was 17; I really was pretty and smart. But I thought that I needed some immature guy to tell me it for it to be true. But now I look in the mirror, and although I am 10 lbs heavier with stretchmark scars and I will never look quite the same again...I love myself. For exactly who I am. For the intelligent, talented, beautiful daughter of God that I was when I was born and always have been.
So, to other teenage girls, don't do like I did and forget what you're worth. Don't forget who you are. You are "priced far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10) Even if some 15 year old boy who doesnt know his left hand from his right tells you you're not- you are. I know it, God knows it, and you know it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)