I feel like my life is an oxymoron right now. I am going through the most difficult thing I have ever been through, yet there is more light in my life than I have ever had before. I attribute that light to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I would never have made it through this without them. When I got pregnant, I was further from the straight and narrow than I had ever been in my life. And for a long time, I remained on that path, until I was hurt enough times by enough people to really get it beat into my head that I needed to change. Alot. Especially if I wanted to do the right thing for my baby. It wasn't easy. I had to change my friends, my attitude, my habits, the music I listened to...and it didn't happen over night. I changed little things, slowly, and those things would make a big impact on me and make me want to change something else. I prayed constantly. I read my scriptures. I paid attention in church (or tried to) and tried to think about what people said. I worked hard in school and at my job, and pushed myself to my limits, but in the times that I just couldn't go anymore, I left it to God and he never let me down. I found light in my life and in my soul and developed a relationship with Christ as I worked to repent of my bad decisions. And in the end I knew without a doubt that my baby belonged with Jared and Amy. I knew she wasn't mine, I may have given her my genetics and grown her inside my body, but she was Jared and Amy's child in spirit, even before I signed the legal paperwork.
For a long time I have tried to figure out what she is to me... because I don't feel like I'm her mom. Amy is. I don't feel like she is my daughter, because she isn't (biology not considered). I just happened to be the one to give her a body. I love her so much though. I can't help but smile when I look at her picture, the way I feel for her is indescribable. I love her so much and she's so amazing that everything I went through for her doesn't matter. To me, she symbolizes faith and hope and love and all the wonderful things I never understood until she came into my life. So I decided that she is my Sunshine. Thats why I named this blog Sunshine (and it's also a reference to her name). Because my life has never been so bright as it is now. It's never been so challenging or painful either, but with the bad comes the good, and I feel them equally now.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I wrote this more for me than for you.
This is how it all began. Maybe everyone doesn't care about that, but I'm writing it just as much for personal therapy and so I can always remember as I am for people to read it.
So I found out I was pregnant on March 4th 2011, like a week after I turned 18 (Great b-day present right?). My parents knew before I even did, because I had taken a blood test that morning because of a medication I was on, and the doctors office called and told my parents the results. I was picked up from school (I had no idea why) and had to go take more tests just to make sure. Sure enough, they called that night and I really was pregnant. I was completely stunned, I hadn't even had suspicions beforehand...I hadn't missed a period yet because I wasn't supposed to start til the next day.
I knew, without a doubt, who the father was and almost didn't tell him. But I broke down that night and called him. We had broken up not long before I found out, but not because of any dramatic issue, I just didn't feel like we really had any potential of a long-term relationship. We had known eachother since the beginning of our junior year of high school, but never been friends until the November of our senior year. We started talking, then started "dating" (never acctually went on a date, lol) on January 1st of 2011. We had friends who were friends and we all hung out a few times, but other than that, most of our time was spent in his room, listening to music and talking. After we broke up, we were still on good terms though, which I was thankful for when I found out I was pregnant. On the phone, he was pretty calm (I was freaking out) and said that we would work things out and everything would be okay. He told me later that after that phone call he just took a shower and cried.
I was so scared but I knew that this was my baby and I loved it already. My parents were very disappointed in me, but told me that they loved me anyways and that they would help me through this. The next few weeks of my life are kinda hazy in my mind, I don't remember exactly how everything went or when things happened. It was really rough though. I had decided to try to keep it on the downlow, I would only be 4 months along when I graduated, so I could get away with not having drama with kids at school knowing. I didn't have anyone to talk about it with- I didn't like to bring it up with my parents, the babys father didn't want a whole lot to do with me, I didn't want to tell my friends, and my sisters didn't know yet. I was just kinda stuck inside myself. I had discussed some options with my parents, and they reminded me that our church leaders had counseled unwed mothers to either marry the childs father or if a successful marriage was not possible to place the baby for adoption. But they told me that in the end this was my decision and they would support me no matter what I decided to do- marry, place the baby, or single-parent.
So I found out I was pregnant on March 4th 2011, like a week after I turned 18 (Great b-day present right?). My parents knew before I even did, because I had taken a blood test that morning because of a medication I was on, and the doctors office called and told my parents the results. I was picked up from school (I had no idea why) and had to go take more tests just to make sure. Sure enough, they called that night and I really was pregnant. I was completely stunned, I hadn't even had suspicions beforehand...I hadn't missed a period yet because I wasn't supposed to start til the next day.
I knew, without a doubt, who the father was and almost didn't tell him. But I broke down that night and called him. We had broken up not long before I found out, but not because of any dramatic issue, I just didn't feel like we really had any potential of a long-term relationship. We had known eachother since the beginning of our junior year of high school, but never been friends until the November of our senior year. We started talking, then started "dating" (never acctually went on a date, lol) on January 1st of 2011. We had friends who were friends and we all hung out a few times, but other than that, most of our time was spent in his room, listening to music and talking. After we broke up, we were still on good terms though, which I was thankful for when I found out I was pregnant. On the phone, he was pretty calm (I was freaking out) and said that we would work things out and everything would be okay. He told me later that after that phone call he just took a shower and cried.
I was so scared but I knew that this was my baby and I loved it already. My parents were very disappointed in me, but told me that they loved me anyways and that they would help me through this. The next few weeks of my life are kinda hazy in my mind, I don't remember exactly how everything went or when things happened. It was really rough though. I had decided to try to keep it on the downlow, I would only be 4 months along when I graduated, so I could get away with not having drama with kids at school knowing. I didn't have anyone to talk about it with- I didn't like to bring it up with my parents, the babys father didn't want a whole lot to do with me, I didn't want to tell my friends, and my sisters didn't know yet. I was just kinda stuck inside myself. I had discussed some options with my parents, and they reminded me that our church leaders had counseled unwed mothers to either marry the childs father or if a successful marriage was not possible to place the baby for adoption. But they told me that in the end this was my decision and they would support me no matter what I decided to do- marry, place the baby, or single-parent.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
For Starters:
My name is Alisha. I am a birthmom, 2 weeks post-placement, and I really need somewhere to channel all my loose emotional energy. So I decided to try thing whole blogging thing. I didn't even know there was such thing as birth-mom blogs until my babys mom told me that she likes to read them. So I checked them out and really liked it.
So just kinda general info about me:
I was born in Montana, but I've lived in a middle-of-nowhere town in Texas for the last 6 years. I am 18 and just graduated high school and beauty school this last May. I am now a part-time hairdresser and a full time student at the public university in my town, majoring in Chemistry (at the moment). My favorite color is pink. I have been LDS my whole life, but my adoption story is also my conversion story, because I never really understood the gospel until this experience. I am the oldest of 5 kids in my family, and I have the best parents ever. I like to read, but I don't care for English and History. I love science, and math is okay, but I really only like it when it's applied to science related things.
Anyways, I'll get to my story more later, but its 1:30 am and I have Precalculus at 8, so I need to try to sleep.
So just kinda general info about me:
I was born in Montana, but I've lived in a middle-of-nowhere town in Texas for the last 6 years. I am 18 and just graduated high school and beauty school this last May. I am now a part-time hairdresser and a full time student at the public university in my town, majoring in Chemistry (at the moment). My favorite color is pink. I have been LDS my whole life, but my adoption story is also my conversion story, because I never really understood the gospel until this experience. I am the oldest of 5 kids in my family, and I have the best parents ever. I like to read, but I don't care for English and History. I love science, and math is okay, but I really only like it when it's applied to science related things.
Anyways, I'll get to my story more later, but its 1:30 am and I have Precalculus at 8, so I need to try to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)