I am a failure at birthmother blogging. I have about three trillion half-written blogs that i need to just compile and post someday...
Anyways, I'm going through my phase of pregnancy and birth obsession lately. Every few months I get very interested in babies again, mostly because I thought the whole process was freaking amazing. Definitely a defining moment for me. One of the best and happiest days of my life, in spite of the fact that it is quite hazy and the details aren't very clear anymore - for my best recounting take a look at this blog: http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2012/11/her-birth-day-and-her-birthday.html
So, that was mostly irrelevent to the rest of the post, but I like to think that being obsessed with pregnancy/birth/babies etc is pretty normal among birthmothers, barring the fact that I have only ever met in real life one other birthmother (that I know of).
Last semester was rough for me, for a number of reasons. I was starting at a new college, moved into a new apartment, had new roommates, Kelton had died only a couple months before, I was having trouble getting my cosmetology licensing to go through, I was short on money, the list goes on and on. I was under so much stress, and my brain in all effects had decided to stop functioning. I couldn't focus on anything for very long, yet everything and everybody in my life was demanding something from me, and all I wanted to do (and mostly all I did) was lay in bed and cry. Anyways, November of last year I wrote these two paragraphs:
"I feel rushed. Like I need to get my life out of the way as quickly as possible. The pressure to get an education, find the man I'm supposed to marry, make a family. I feel like I need to make it happen tomorrow. Theres all these expectations and pressures, both external and internal, that push me forward everyday, and some days they get so intense to the point where I sit, stagnant, in my bedroom all day. I don't know why I think I need to make these things happen so quickly, maybe because those are the things that I was raised thinking I needed to do. Or maybe because I think I will finally be happy when I have accomplished those things. Or maybe because I'm just a ridiculous person who thinks they need to take on the whole world in one bite.
So I spend everyday being miserable, because I keep thinking only the future holds happiness. I couldn't wait to get out of high school, cause I thought then I would be happy. Then I thought that I would be happy after I placed my baby, then I thought I would be happy when I got out of San Angelo. Now I'm here, where I thought I was meant to be, doing what I always wanted to, and I'm not happy, and I don't know why. I've been stuck in this ridiculous cycle of 'When I Will Be Happy'.
I've been trying to be optimistic, thinking things would get better, but they haven't yet. I have so many ups and downs, I try changing something in my life, and I think things are getting better for a few days, I get excited, but soon enough I find myself down again. I blame my unhappiness on all these other things when really, they're just another step in my 'When I Will Be Happy' Cycle."
Even when I wrote those paragraphs I didn't fully understand my thoughts on the whole thing, but going back and reading them, I love my idea of the "When I Will Be Happy" Cycle. It would begin with me being unhappy, and I would look around me and see a happy person, and see what they had that I didn't and I would decide that if I had that thing, I would then be happy. So I would work toward whatever it was, all the while being miserable because I thought I couldn't be happy if I didn't have that thing. Eventually, I always would make it there, and I would be happy I accomplished whatever it was or got the thing I wanted, but soon after I always found myself unhappy and wanting something else...and the cycle begins again.
So my new personal goal is learning to be happy while working towards the things I want. A degree, a family, a home...all these things will come in time and definitely make me very happy, but I can be happy now too. It doesn't always work completely, I still spend plenty of time pining for things I can't have right now anyways, but I like to think happiness is a work in progress. There isn't any rush to get life done with, so I want to stop rushing. It brings to mind the song "I'm In A Hurry" by Alabama, a song that my family has always joked is my dad's personal theme song because he is constantly in a hurry or rushing to get everything done. One line says, "I rush and rush until life is no fun..." Well I want to stop rushing, to stop thinking I have to make everything I want in my life happen today. I want to appreciate the things I have in my life right now: youth, friends, freedom, independence, flexibility. I just want to be happy with where I am at, as long as I am working towards the things I know I want from life. But they don't have to happen today or tomorrow or even next week. I wish it all could, but it won't, so there is not point wasting energy on stressing or worrying when I could use that energy being happy.
So when will I be happy? My answer is today!
