So, since I had Sunshine, I have been terrified of babies. I've never been a big babies person, some girls love to play with peoples babies and just think they're all so cute and wonderful. Me? Not so much. A baby is a baby to me, maybe because I am an oldest child and helped take care of Darby and Hunter when they were born so it's all just old news for me. Maybe just because I'm just not really all that maternal or because I'm intellectual and babies aren't so much. I don't know. I've just never been a baby person.
When I was pregnant, I became very interested in other peoples babies. I asked myself many times, "Can I see myself doing this? With my own baby? For an extended period of time?" It was kinda fun to think of how it would be if I kept Sunshine but at the same time I was terrified. I never really liked babies before, what made me think I could like one now? Would it just drive me crazy trying to interact with something that couldn't do anything for itself? Would I get frustrated that I had to do everything for her? Babies are hard work, and I was well aware of it.
Then I had Sunshine, and taking care of her in the hospital is pretty much the highlight of my life so far. I was so suprised at how maternal I really could be! I loved Sunshine so much and I was completely wrapped around her finger, if she made even a peep I would come running. She was so cute! I think I did a pretty good job of taking care of her for my 48 hours, and I have no idea how it would have been in the long run, but I like to think I would have been a great mother to Sunshine. No matter what, I loved her to death and she was and still is the most beautiful, wonderful, adorable baby ever born on this earth.
Now I come to my fear of babies, which I have just recently conquered. I was afraid of babies ever since I left the hospital for fear of having a complete meltdown from missing Sunshine. Thank goodness no one I knew had a baby in the few weeks before or after I had Sunshine, and somehow I never came in contact with any that I knew had been born recently. I was really anxious about it, just because I wasn't sure how I would feel - whether I would be upset, or happy, or just not care. One time right after I went back to work a girl came into the salon who had a baby about the same age as Sunshine. I didn't know the girl and didn't get a good look at her baby but I went in the back and cried a little, but mostly out of fear of that little person in the car seat. Utter fear that if I saw the baby I would fall apart. She left and I never had to confront it, but sometimes I wonder how I would have felt if I looked in the car seat. Would I have seen Sunshine looking back at me?
Just a few weeks ago, I went to my friend Liz's house. Liz is a birthmom also, except she placed her baby about 4 years ago. She is now married and has 2 kids, her youngest being a girl 2 months younger than Sunshine. I had just walked in the door when her son was throwing a fit and her girl crying a little. While she was dealing with her son, I picked up her daughter. I held her for a minute, expecting a flood of memories and tears....and nothing. Yeah, she was an adorable baby, but I felt no longing for Sunshine like I thought I would. I didn't start crying or hurting and I pretty much felt the same way about this baby as I did with babies before mine. My fear was conquered.
I've come to the conclusion that I love my baby, but other people's not so much. I might be a shame to the female gender for not loving everybody's babies, but thats just how it is. Nobody else's baby is as awesome as mine, so I guess I just don't feel the same way about them. (That was a joke...kinda.) And maybe it's partially cause most babies I see don't look to much like Sunshine - alot of the babies at my church are light skinned, blonde and mostly bald. Sunshine is part Hispanic, and so she has darker complexion and a ton of dark brown hair. So I don't even relate them inside of my head.
I still wanna have more babies, probably like 5 or something, (with my husband obviously) but they're going to be MY babies, with my genetics, and I will love them just as much as I love Sunshine. But until then, I am perfectly happy loving my baby and nobody else's!!!! :)
