I started this post a few weeks ago, because I knew it would take me at least that long to write it. I knew it would be one of the posts I love writing because it's a story thats so close to my heart, but also because I knew I would cry my eyes out. And I did, because it's pulling out alot of emotions that I tried so hard to control, so here I am, the night before my beautiful baby's first birthday, trying to see the keyboard and make sense of all the thoughts in my head.
No matter how much I loved Sunshine, by the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was ready to be done. So it was the day before my due date and I had a doctors appointment in the morning. (Pause for awesome fun fact: Sunshine's due date was 11/11/11. How crazy? ) Anyways, I had this doctors appointment, and I went in hopeful, for some type of good news that maybe I was very dialated or something, anything, to indicate that this baby was getting out SOON. I was disapointed when I was barely 1 cm dialated, and the doctor didn't have much to say except that now we just had to wait. I was dying inside, it was torure waiting for my baby to come. Everday I woke up with the impending labor/delivery and subsequent placement weighing on my shoulders. I just wanted it to happen already, or at least have a deadline. My mom asked about inducing me, and the doctor launched into some spiel about how they "dont like to induce first time mothers" and "unknown risks" blah blah blah. My mom looked the doctor in the eye and said "we need to get this over with", and the doctor couldn't do much against the wrath of mamma bear. He caved, and I told him I wanted to be induced on Monday morning.
I was so excited, it was a Thursday, meaning only 3 full days left of my pregnancy, if that. I got home and immediately called Jared and Amy. There was nothing I wanted more for them than the opportunity to be there when their child was born. They confirmed that they would make it to San Angelo by Monday morning... and then the wait began.
I had alot of mixed feelings the last few days of carrying Sunshine. I was really tired of being huge and heavy and tired all the time, and I would be overjoyed when I thought of Monday and how she would finally be brought into the world and I could finally get my life back to normal. Then there were the moments when I thought of what her being born really meant: That there would no longer be my little baby inside me all cuddled up and warm. I wouldn't have my sweet girl to give all my love to and care about. I would cry, harder than I ever had before, and all I could think is "I don't want her to go." THen the horrible anticipation of the placement. All the paperwork, all the legal formalities and people who wanted to talk to me about the placement. We had been over the papers before, but would I feel differently about them now? How would it feel to sign them? What would it feel like, leaving the hospital empty handed?
I hoped I would go into labor early, but no such luck. I arrived at the hospital on Monday, November 14th, at 6 am. They weighed me (only gained 30 lbs!) and I was in my bed, started on petocin (the drug that induces labor) around 7. The checked to see how dialated I was, and I was still at like 2 cm. Around 8 they broke my water, and after that the contractions started pretty intensely and regularly. Somewhere around this time the birthfather and his family and Jared and Amy showed up. We sat around for a while, chatting, and watchign the macheines. The nurses had some issues getting the monitors to stay on, due to the wierd perfect roundness of my stomach. (I heard frequently that I literally looked like I had a basketball under my shirt). I think around 10 oclock I decided I had had enough of the contractions and it was time for the epidural. That in and of itself was a fun little endeavor, but once the drugs were in my system, I felt great! They even gave me an awesome little button to push if I needed an extra boost. Within a 30 minutes, I couldn't feel anything below my waist. By 12 o'clock I was dialated to 8 cm, and at 1 pm I was fully dialated and began pushing.
At 2:43 in the afternoon, I gave birth to Sunshine. She was 7lbs 8oz, and 19 inches long. I remember the first moment I saw Sunshine. It was just a glimpse of her, as I opened my eyes after she was born, and I heard her cry and saw her little blueish body moving in the hands of the doctor. I remember that moment so clearly. I remember how insanely happy I was, and how much I loved her at that moment, and just my amazement at finally seeing the beautiful child that had been growing in me for the last 9 months. Because I was lucky enough to have Sunshine's family there, I made sure Amy was in the room when I gave birth and that she was able to cut her umbilical cord and be the first to hold her. Seeing Amy holding Sunshine was such a spiritual moment for me, because I knew so strongly that Amy was meant to be her mother. Then Amy brought her next to me and placed her by my head to see. I remember the first time I saw that cute little squished face, and how my first thought was "Oh my, newborns are ugly", yet I loved her so much and thought she was so gorgeous anyways. And Amy and I just looked at this baby that we both loved so much and cried.
Legally, the placement couldn't happen until 48 hours after I gave birth, and I chose to take care of her for those 2 days. I count those 48 hours as the best in my life. Taking care of Sunshine was such a fantastic experience for me. I was able to find my buried mothering instincts and get to know my little girl the best I could. I loved just holding her and cuddling with her, and did every moment I had a chance. She was seriously the most adorable baby I had ever seen, and every time I looked at her, I loved her even more. I enjoyed changing her diapers, and cleaning up her spit-up, and just watching her sleep. When time came for placement, I was terrified. I got really frusturated that day, because it seemed like every ten minutes there was a different counselor or doctor or nurse coming to bother me, when I really just wanted to spend as much time with Sunshine as I could, because I knew that after this day, it would be at least 6 months until I saw her again. So around 3 in the afternoon, we started signing papers. As I held my baby in one arm, and signed the papers that made her Jared and Amy's, I just cried. I knew what I was doing was right, beyond a doubt, but I was so afraid of being without my baby. I had become so attached, so dependent on what she meant to me, and the love I gave her. I didn't want her to leave, I wanted to stay in that hospital with my newborn baby forever. I didn't know what I would do with myself when I didn't have her anymore. Signing those papers was one of the greatest feats of faith I have ever experienced. I knew I just had to trust God that I could still go on with life without Sunshine in my arms.
Time came to get packed up and leave. I left the hospital alongside Jared and Amy, and watched as they situated their new baby into the car. There were so many hugs and tears and love expressed in those last few minutes before we drove off. In just a matter of days, we had become family, and I loved Jared and Amy so much for all that I knew that they would do for my baby. I knew that they loved her just as much as I did, I knew they were meant to be her parents, I knew they would provide her with so much that I could not have. All the stability and opportunities and happiness that I knew they would give her meant the world to me.
As I got in my parents car and we drove away, it was so surreal. It was scary seeing the same streets I always had, but now I was just Alisha. Not Alisha and baby, like before. There was a small sense of accomplishment in the back of my mind, that I had finally overcome what I had been waiting for months to conquer. But mostly, I missed my baby. I missed her more than anything or anyone I had ever missed before. I felt so lonely, all I wanted was to hold her again, to hold her forever, but I couldn't, so instead, I cried.
Today is Sunshine's first birthday, and when I look back on the placement, I smile. I don't have an ounce of regret for my decision, and I am so thankful she has turned out to be such a happy little girl. One year ago I gave birth to her, and now, thanks to open adoption, I have the opportunity to spend that day with her and her family again. I couldn't ask for anything more.
