Your smile fades in the summer.

DISCLAIMER(AGAIN): For those of you who don't known my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather. Also, I think my blog has evolved from not only a birthmother blog, but just a blog about my life in general, though I do owe you an update on little Sunshine! :D
----
I wrote the following few paragraphs just a few days before Kelton died.



"I've found myself at a crossroads. And it's one of those crossroads where either path will lead to happiness. I have to decide whether to keep a certain boy in my life. Whether to continue things on as they are, a sort-of kinda relationship, never committing, or to commit and marry him. Problem is, I feel it is a decison that is much larger than myself, because depending how I make this decision, I will effect not only myself but my future spouse and children. I dont think that staying with Kelton would make my life miserable, I could be very happy with him, I just think I might be happier with somebody else. Maybe there is someone out there better for me. And someone out there that is better for him.
My dad gave me a blessing once, and he said in it that my eternal companion was out there looking for me, and I think he meant it literally, that right at this moment he is searching for me. I feel like I am supposed to find him soon, but my stubborn self is not in the right place yet. I have this urgency in my heart, like I need to put myself in a position where I am ready to be who I am supposed to be for him.

But what if I am wrong? What if I give up Kelton, someone who means so much to me, and I still have to wait around for a few years? I don't want to. I can't do it for that long."


So many people have asked me since he died if I had been planning to marry him. From the beginning, many of my friends told me they thought I would marry him, and I know his family wanted us to, even though they had never met me. They just said that he changed after he met me, and all they really cared about was that he was happier than he had ever been in his life. But for some reason neither of us felt right about being in a "real relationship". We were never fully committed to eachother and we were okay with that, but most people around us didn't understand it, especially when we had such obviously strong feelings for eachother. And looking back now, I understand why we felt that way, although we couldnt explain it.

We talked about marriage alot, especially in the few weeks before his death. We knew it had come to the point where we either had to be together for real, or break off the way things were. We loved eachother, it was undeniable, but we also knew that we both had alot to do with our lives before we were prepared for marriage. In some wierd way, I knew I wouldn't always have him. I just didn't think it would be his death that would remove him from my life. I thought it would be on my terms.

In some ways, I'm happy there wasn't a nasty difficult breakup with drama and hard feelings left over. But on the other hand, it's significantly more difficult to get over someone who never hurt you. I have literally no bad memories of Kelton. No bitterness that I can utilize to remind myself why I don't have him in my life anymore. I just have all the wonderful times that I miss so badly. And with a breakup, I could still talk to whatever jerkface it was, but in this situation... he's just gone. Completely. And my heart is having a hard time comprehending why someone so close to it just up and disappeared.

I'm feeling the healing happening. I know because sometimes I'm really sad and I cry. Or I will get so angry at Kelton for driving like an idiot and getting himself killed. Or I can be totally okay with it all and return to normal life. And because I have experienced loss before, I know that I prefer to deal with it alone, I like to stay very busy, and that I do something dramatic with my hair. All of which have occurred in the last few weeks.

I started writing out our story. I tried to write down every memory I had of him, in order. But the hardest part to write was the funeral,  because once I got past writing about his death, I didn't want to write anymore.  I felt like everything that really mattered had been said.
The funeral was the easy part of all this. The hard part was going back to real life again- walking into my apartment and putting my things down and realizing I had to go on with life again, as if he hadn't died. And so I do. I continue on with life, missing my best friend everyday. I always just remind myself that there has to be someone else out there for me, someone equally as awesome, because I knew from the beginning he wasn't mine to keep. But there will never be another Kelton Zundel.