I've started to feel guilty recently. Like, that I'm not involved enough with Sunshine and her parents. Like, that by going on with my own life I'm forgetting her and not keeping her as a priority in my life.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.
But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Perks to being a Birthmother
So, everyone thinks being a birthmother is all depressing and sad, which it is sometimes, but there is a ton of amazing things about being a birthmother and I've been thinking about those things alot lately, especially since I've been feeling really okay.
Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!
Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.
Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.
Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!
Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.
Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.
Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P
Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!
Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.
Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.
Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!
Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.
Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.
Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P
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