Feelings.

I've started to feel guilty recently. Like, that I'm not involved enough with Sunshine and her parents. Like, that by going on with my own life I'm forgetting her and not keeping her as a priority in my life.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.

But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.