Not like Juno.

You know what I don't like? The movie Juno. And how when I bring up adoption, people bring up Juno. They're all like "Oh, like Juno?" and I am like, "No, not like Juno. At all."

Maybe I don't like Juno because it is so drastically different than my adoption story. And maybe because adoption is so much more complex than a movie can convey. I honestly don't like the character that is "Juno". I think she is annoying like no other. I hate the way she handles her pregnancy and relationship with the guy who got her pregnant. And that they don't show the weeks of mental breakdowns after placement. But thats Hollywood, and the movie made me bawl my eyes out anyways.

But lately I noticed I don't cover my entire story in this blog either. So I will try to fill some of the blank areas.

The last thing I really mentioned was the finding out, which is in this post:

http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-wrote-this-more-for-me-than-for-you.html

And I have described why I placed which is here:

http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2011/12/adoption-vs-single-parenting-vs.html

When I was about 12 weeks along, I had my first doctors appointment. I talked to the doctor about my health and life and blah blah blah, and my mom mentioned to the doctor we were considering adoption. I didn't really agree, but kept my mouth shut. I hadn't decided anything yet. I remember seeing the baby on the little ultrasound machine. The doctor checked that the baby was there and developing correctly. I was kind of frightening. It made the whole thing less imaginary, less hypothetical. I felt like crying, but tried not to. He gave me a little printout, and I carried that thing with me everywhere for the next few months. I stared at it for hours, thinking "That is my little baby. It is growing inside me. I love it so much."

So, I was pregnant for my last 4 months of high school. During which I wasn't showing and was able to avoid the drama of being pregnant in high school. And although pregnant teenagers were no big deal at my school, can you imagine me showing up to the Top 10% Banquet or NHS ceremony pregnant? Senior prank of the century. I almost went anti-social. My family and a few close friends knew, but I still didn't really like talking about it. I didn't say anything about it on social networking sites, I never even mentioned it on Facebook until several days after placing her for adoption. It was my not so little secret with myself. I didn't like hearing others opinions or thoughts on the matter. I wanted to figure this out on my own.

For a long time, I didn't think I would place. I didn't want to. I couldn't imagine it. Though, alot of the time, I couldn't comprehend the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't really get sick, my belly wasn't big yet, and I lost my appetite. I slept alot, read alot, and thought alot. I would imagine having a baby. All the cute things I could buy it, and how I would raise my child, and the kind of life I would want it to have. It still didn't seem real though. I tried to guess the gender of my baby. I thought for a long time it would be a boy. I wanted a boy. I thought that if it were a boy, I wouldn't get as attached. I even had a couple dreams about a little boy, and was so sure that it was MY little boy.

When I was around 18 weeks along, I had my full sonogram. I chose to go alone. The technician tried to talk to me, but I stayed pretty quiet. I watched my baby on the screen. The technician pointed out her arms and legs and head and heart. She told me it was a girl. I realized this baby was REAL. It wasn't the baby I imagined up for myself. It wasn't the baby in my dream. It was a real child, flesh and blood, who was going to be born in 22 weeks, and needed a real home. A home just as real and safe and healthy as she was now. And a part of me knew I couldn't give her that.

For weeks I still insisted on contemplating parenting. I wanted to so bad. Eventually I gave in, and after much thought and prayer and tears, I accepted the placement. I knew what was right. It broke my heart, thinking of letting my baby leave me. But this wasn't a movie, and everything doesn't just work out alright in the end. I had to make it right, all on my own.