Adoption vs Single Parenting vs Marriage

From the beginning, marriage was out of the question. I knew it was highly unlikely that the birthfather and I could have a successful relationship and marriage. We had different values and goals and would never be able to agree on anything. Someone asked me once, "Couldn't you try to be together? For the baby?" and the answer was no. "Trying" implies that there could be failure, and I wanted the most secure future for my baby. And "for the baby" never works. Forcing ourselves to deal with each other would just amount to tension and unhappiness, which wouldn't be any better for the child in the end.

So the other two options were single parenting and adoption. I wanted to keep her, more than anything. I wanted to keep her and raise her and be the most amazing mommy in the world. I could do it, I knew I could. I had it all worked out in my head. I would have my cosmetology license when I graduated, I could work as a hairdresser to support her. My mom is a stay at home mom and would watch her while I was at work, and the birthfathers mom said she was always willing to watch the baby if I needed her to. Once she was in school, I would work on getting my teaching degree so I could work while she was at school and be home with her in the evenings. Eventually, I might even find a guy that loved us both and I could get married and have a whole family. I wanted that so bad. But somehow I didn't feel right about that. I didn't feel right about making my mom practically raise my child for me while I worked, I didn't feel right about having her going between homes whenever it was her birthfathers turn to have her, I didn't feel right about getting married in the future because she would have to integrate herself into a whole different family. And mostly, I didn't feel right about depriving her of an eternal family. Now, for those who aren't LDS, families are extremely important to us. The following is a letter from the First Presidency of our church that explains our core values as they relate to the family.

The Family: A Proclaimation to the World

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.
We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

(To find out more about the LDS church, please visit lds.org )

**Now, I would like to point out that yes, I did violate these values when I made the choice that caused me to become pregnant, but when I became pregnant it really changed the way I saw life. I realized that many things that I didn't think mattered, such as chastity, really did matter. Alot.

So, as you can see, eternal families and family relationships and responsibilities mean alot to the people of my faith. If I kept my baby, she would not be able to have an eternal family because her father and I were not married to each other. I was raised in a wonderful eternal family, my parents love and cherish each other and love me and my siblings. The gospel is an important part of our lives and we work each day to help each other become better people and keep our covenants so we can maintain that eternal family. I have seen the blessings of eternal families in my life, and I didn't want her to miss out on those things. The only sure way to give that to her was through adoption.

After doing it, I can't imagine having done anything different than placing her with a family, but it wasn't an easy thing for me to come to terms with or do. I KNEW what was right, but I didn't WANT to do what was right. But I couldn't bring myself to not do it, no matter what I wanted. I felt that if I didn't do it, if I didn't place her with a family, I would be standing in the way of everything she was destined to be. And I knew she was meant to be an amazing person. Eventually, I was able to accept it, and then I became okay with it, and by the end, I was happy with the decision I made and was so overjoyed when I saw her with her family, and I knew without a doubt it was meant to be. It's hard to explain, but she was a part of Jared and Amy's family even before she was born or I signed the paperwork. And once all the stupid legal stuff is done going through, she will be able to be sealed to them and have her rightful eternal family.

And that is why I chose adoption. It wasn't because I didn't love her, or because I didn't think I could support her or that I was too immature to single parent. It was BECAUSE I love her, because I wanted her to be where she belonged. A birthmom named Tamra said, "If I had loved my baby an ounce less, I would have kept her." And I don't think I can say it any better than that.