The Problem (And Solution) of My Body

This following blog isn't going to be me begging for attention or reassurance of myself, I'm just approaching a very difficult subject for some women: our after-baby bodies. I know everybody has heard before the complaints about how modern culture puts so much emphasis on women being skinny and flat stomachs and blah blah blah. I don't really mind them. I have come to realize I rarely see a woman who looks like the girls in magazines, and I'm okay with that reality, and the reality that I will probably never look like those girls, so that doesn't bother me at all.

But I live in Provo, Utah, where the majority of females I associate with are normal college age women. And not that they are physically perfect or anything, but they are generally attractive girls, with normal body types. Like I said, not perfect, and everybody is a little different, but most of them have never grown a person inside their stomach. And so sometimes I worry about my body. I go to the pool, and I see other girls, and I notice that I have just a slightly different shape to my body. And sometimes I see one of my roommates stomach and remember that mine isn't smooth skin, I have stretch mark scars. And I see a girl in shorts, and remember that I have vericose veins on my legs and so I couldn't wear those shorts if I wanted to. Sometimes I am sad that now I have scars on my stomach, and vericose veins on my legs, and a little bit of a pudge on my belly that will never really go away.

I recently read an article about "What Postpartum Bellies Really Look Like", and it had some pictures women had submitted of their bellies at different times after having a baby. I was reminded that yes, other women have ugly stomachs too, and it's normal and okay. These ladies have some guts to show their stomachs on the internet, and sorry, you won't get a shot of mine, but it's the reality of what pregancy can do to a woman's body. Honestly, I look like any typical woman who has had a child, and compared to many of these, I'm actually doing really well!
(http://blogs.babble.com/babys-first-year-blog/2012/02/02/what-our-post-baby-bellies-really-look-like/)

But sometimes I worry about my future husband. Yes, I know that that guy I marry will love me no matter what, but I still am insecure about the fact that he isn't getting some pretty girl with a nice body. I feel like I am ripping him off or something. Like I said, I know that he will love me, and in the end my body doesn't matter, it would get all screwed up by kids anyways, but that doesn't keep insecurities from creeping into my mind. I just do my best to remember that I'm beautiful just the way I am, and if a guy doesn't agree, he isn't worth my time.

I can't be the first birthmom to worry about my body. Us birthmoms are put in a tight position, where we give up our pretty, youthful bodies for a child that we don't raise. It seems to other people like we go through all the suffering of pregnancy and childbirth, with nothing to show for it. Of course, we know better, because I would trade my body for Sunshine's happiness any day.

So, I'm learning to love my slightly distorted and scarred body. I like to think it tells part of my life story. My body will never let me forget what I went through for Sunshine, and I never want to. It's not perfect, and far from pretty, but it is beautiful in a corny, idealistic way. I think the scars feel kind of cool when I run my fingers over them, and I joke with my sisters that my loose skin feels like bread dough (though that is improving with time). I dress for my altered body type, and to be honest, I sometimes wear spandex to give the illusion of a more youthful silhouette. Also, I have a decently pretty face, so I like to think that it helps make up for the lesser attractive areas of my body. Most days I don't worry about my body too much, but there are those days where I just feel super disgusting and ugly, as all women do sometimes. And on those days, I just avoid the scale, eat a salad instead of ice cream, and look at pictures of my beautiful Sunshine. :)

LOOK AT THOSE CUTE TEETH!!!!!!!!!

Real Love. It's not what the movies say it is.

One time when I was like 11 years old my friend and I were supposed to go over to her aunts house to swim, well my friend got in trouble for something I don't remember, and we couldn't go. So I went home and cried because now I didn't know what to do that afternoon because my friend couldn't play with me and my dad told me "You just depend on her too much." and I asked him what he meant and he said that I needed to learn to have fun on my own too. For some reason this statement stuck in my head, and although I didn't do much about it then, I think about it often now. I don't want to be dependent on other people.

I've had a few relationships with guys where I was very dependent on them, especially emotionally. Those relationships always ended badly... I dated a guy for a year and a half, and didn't even want to be with him anymore for the last half of the relationship, but didn't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have him. It took him going away for a month for me to realize I would be just fine without him. I was still devastated by the break up and it was very emotionally tolling and complicated for me. I vowed to never have that kind of relationship ever again. The kind where I had to speak to them every second of every day, see them as often as possible, and constantly have them reinforcing my worth as a person. NEVER AGAIN.

So in my attempt to not have a clingy, dependent relationship, I found myself in a short series of very bad relationships, just this time, it was the opposite extreme. I refused to emotionally invest myself in any way whatsoever, but to try to make up for it, I gave them whatever I could physically and refused to commit. Most of these flings lasted only a few weeks, if that, and when it would go down the drain, I wouldn't even shed a tear. Every single one of them would go back to their clingy, annoying exgirlfriend that they always had complained about, which now I realize is because I wasn't giving them the emotional food they craved.

I have found myself on both extremes of the spectrum, and neither one is pleasant. So what is a good balance though? What is the difference between needing to be together every moment of every day, and just enjoying eachothers company? What causes a realtionship to be hurtful rather than helping? What is real love?

I think the world has the idea of love all wrong. There is this stereotype of love, that it is this romantic, desperate longing for someone, where all you do is think about them and want to be with them, and there is nothing more important than that person. The kind of love where people give up anything and everything just to be together. The whole "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff" (It Takes Two).

I am one of the few lucky kids these days who has parents who are still married, and they are a fantastic example to me of what real love is like. They aren't perfect, but they accept each other in their imperfectons and help build each other. I have never heard them have a yelling or screaming fight, yes I have heard them have disagreements, but they handle it like adults and talk it out and make compromises. They really love each other. They love to be together, and they love their family. They make each other so happy, but it isn't destructive.

Real love isn't needing somebody. But it is wanting somebody. You can go on with life without them, but if they are around, it makes it just that much better. It is caring about someone so much that you want to be better for them. They are your best friend, the person you turn to in challenges, and who you can be completely yourself around.

I've quoted Mrs. Snell before, and that time I was disagreeing with some of her comments, but this time I am going agree with her.  She has an article about Chemistry in a relationship. She talks about how in some relationships there are a lot of highs and lows, and the highs seem so much higher just because the lows are so low. In a good relationship there shouldn't be any extreme lows. Not that a relationship won't have its challenges, but there shouldn't be feelings of abandonment and rejection. A persons self worth should not be tied into the relationship.
(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2010/06/22/chemisty-what-is-it-how-do-i-recognize-it-and-how-important-is-it/)

Maybe I'm not one to say what real love is. I'm not married or in a relationship, or even close to being in one. But I have had my fair share of bad relationships and I've done plenty of observing. And I want to marry a guy that I love, but only if it's real love. The best friend, last forever, trusting and compromising kind of stuff.

"I'm still the same, not much has changed, I still know where I came from."

- A Day To Remember (Another Song About the Weekend)

Okay, so my adorable little Sunshine is getting bigger everyday!!! It still blows my mind that she is almost 10 months old! I feels like it has been so much longer since I had her... And good news, I have lost all the weight except like 5 lbs! I get to see her ever few weeks, at least once a month I go up there for Sunday evening dinner, or I stop by if I just happen to make my way up through Salt Lake.  I was at her family's house when I found out about Kelton, and I am insanely grateful to her parents for dealing with my mental self the day after.  I seriously could not have picked better people to be my little darlings parents! I hope her whole family knows how much I love and appreciate them!

Such a thoughtful little cutie!

I really miss being pregnant sometimes.  I was lucky that I had such an easy pregnancy, because it left a good taste in my mouth about the whole baby-growing ordeal.  The downside to this is that I wish I was pregnant alot, because I like having a sweet little baby all cuddled up and warm inside me.  It just made me happy.  But annoyingly enough, I still have just under 3 years left of college, and I don't want to stop halfway. 

And on the topic of college, I just started my first semester of Brigham Young University!!! Its crazy to think that I'm finally where I know I'm supposed to be. The summer before I got pregnant, my family and I travelled up to Montana to visit our extended family and we stopped in Salt Lake to visit all the historical things there.  I absolutely loved it, and although at the time I wanted to go to Montana for school, I secretly knew I needed to come to Utah.  But then, at one of the most critical times in life, I found myself pregnant, and my life was basically put on hold.

Although I still went to school and worked through my pregnancy, there were days when I thought I would never get anywhere in life.  There were days when I was so absolutely sure that I would never get out of San Angelo and that no decent man would ever love me again.  I thought I would be miserable forever.  In the ten months since I placed Sunshine, I have had all of these things proven wrong. God is awesome like that.

Now this summer has been very challenging. Between moving and trying to make new friends, Kelton dying, and all the stress of school and money, I would have to say it equals, if not surpasses, the summer I spent in Texas pregnant.  But with this new school year, I am realizing that everything I have been through the last two years has brought me to this exact place at this time for a reason.  Every time things get so difficult that I just want to give up, I remind myself that what I'm looking for is out there somewhere, and every day is just a moment closer to him.

DATING SUCKS.

So, as most of you know, I moved to Provo a few months ago. When I first moved here, I was in a semi-relationship with Kelton, and while I was definitely interested in dating, it wasn't much of a priority for me. I had Kelton and I didn't really mind if other guys weren't asking me out. Then Kelton died, and suddenly I had all this free time from when I used to be on the phone or Skyping or hanging out with him. And now, I really want to date.

But wanting to date is not enough, somehow I have to get guys to ASK me on dates. About a week ago, I went to an institute class where this dating coach lady, Alisa Goodwin Snell, came to speak. Now, she was a great speaker and everything she said made alot of sense, but it also reinforced that I absolutely suck at getting guys to like me. She had a whole list of what guys want/like when they meet a girl, which are listed here:

Acting cool, casual, indifferent, and flat in her body language (i.e. acting like a pal), tells a man she does not have faith in him or trust his ability to respect her feminine, vulnerable, or softer side.

Giving a man her number, calling him, or asking him out (without his pursuit of these things first) robs him of the challenge, sacrifice, and accomplishment that he needs to engage in if he is to value and appreciate her.

Refusing a man’s help not only tells him he is not needed or important, it also denies him the opportunity to experience her appreciation and to feel like a hero.

(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2011/02/17/7-signs-he-sees-you-as-a-pal-not-a-gal/)

All of which I pretty much do not do, or if I do, it is not frequently. That's just the way I am. I'm not super flirty or feminine acting. If I want a guy to text me and he hasn't asked, I give him my number, do with it what he pleases. And if I can do something, I will do it myself, the way I want it done. But, according to Alisa, these things turn off a guy because they don't make him feel masculine or needed.

But why should I go out of my way to make a guy like me? I'm not feminine and needy in relationships, so why should I act like I am? And why would I want a guy who needs me to reinforce his masculinity by acting feminine? I am comfortable with myself the way I am: pretty, smart, and capable. I've gone through an entire pregnancy without a male companion, I don't think there is much I need a guy for. But I want to get married and have kids someday, and disppointingly enough that requires a man. Also, I enjoy being in love, as long as it is a healthy sort of love.

My theory on all this is that the man I marry will love me the way I am. I don't think I should change the way I treat men, my future husband will recognize my indepenence and strength and not be threatened by it. So, while I may not get as many dates as a girl who is good at the above mentioned techniques for getting boys (which there is nothing wrong with), I will remain confident in the idea that the guy I will marry is out there and will find his way to me somehow. One of many times that Kelton and I were discussing love and relationships via Skype, he said to me "Well if he is the right one, he will wade through that river, scale that wall, and come to you." I've never forgotten that, because none of the other guys matter, except the right one.

Your smile fades in the summer.

DISCLAIMER(AGAIN): For those of you who don't known my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather. Also, I think my blog has evolved from not only a birthmother blog, but just a blog about my life in general, though I do owe you an update on little Sunshine! :D
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I wrote the following few paragraphs just a few days before Kelton died.



"I've found myself at a crossroads. And it's one of those crossroads where either path will lead to happiness. I have to decide whether to keep a certain boy in my life. Whether to continue things on as they are, a sort-of kinda relationship, never committing, or to commit and marry him. Problem is, I feel it is a decison that is much larger than myself, because depending how I make this decision, I will effect not only myself but my future spouse and children. I dont think that staying with Kelton would make my life miserable, I could be very happy with him, I just think I might be happier with somebody else. Maybe there is someone out there better for me. And someone out there that is better for him.
My dad gave me a blessing once, and he said in it that my eternal companion was out there looking for me, and I think he meant it literally, that right at this moment he is searching for me. I feel like I am supposed to find him soon, but my stubborn self is not in the right place yet. I have this urgency in my heart, like I need to put myself in a position where I am ready to be who I am supposed to be for him.

But what if I am wrong? What if I give up Kelton, someone who means so much to me, and I still have to wait around for a few years? I don't want to. I can't do it for that long."


So many people have asked me since he died if I had been planning to marry him. From the beginning, many of my friends told me they thought I would marry him, and I know his family wanted us to, even though they had never met me. They just said that he changed after he met me, and all they really cared about was that he was happier than he had ever been in his life. But for some reason neither of us felt right about being in a "real relationship". We were never fully committed to eachother and we were okay with that, but most people around us didn't understand it, especially when we had such obviously strong feelings for eachother. And looking back now, I understand why we felt that way, although we couldnt explain it.

We talked about marriage alot, especially in the few weeks before his death. We knew it had come to the point where we either had to be together for real, or break off the way things were. We loved eachother, it was undeniable, but we also knew that we both had alot to do with our lives before we were prepared for marriage. In some wierd way, I knew I wouldn't always have him. I just didn't think it would be his death that would remove him from my life. I thought it would be on my terms.

In some ways, I'm happy there wasn't a nasty difficult breakup with drama and hard feelings left over. But on the other hand, it's significantly more difficult to get over someone who never hurt you. I have literally no bad memories of Kelton. No bitterness that I can utilize to remind myself why I don't have him in my life anymore. I just have all the wonderful times that I miss so badly. And with a breakup, I could still talk to whatever jerkface it was, but in this situation... he's just gone. Completely. And my heart is having a hard time comprehending why someone so close to it just up and disappeared.

I'm feeling the healing happening. I know because sometimes I'm really sad and I cry. Or I will get so angry at Kelton for driving like an idiot and getting himself killed. Or I can be totally okay with it all and return to normal life. And because I have experienced loss before, I know that I prefer to deal with it alone, I like to stay very busy, and that I do something dramatic with my hair. All of which have occurred in the last few weeks.

I started writing out our story. I tried to write down every memory I had of him, in order. But the hardest part to write was the funeral,  because once I got past writing about his death, I didn't want to write anymore.  I felt like everything that really mattered had been said.
The funeral was the easy part of all this. The hard part was going back to real life again- walking into my apartment and putting my things down and realizing I had to go on with life again, as if he hadn't died. And so I do. I continue on with life, missing my best friend everyday. I always just remind myself that there has to be someone else out there for me, someone equally as awesome, because I knew from the beginning he wasn't mine to keep. But there will never be another Kelton Zundel.

I Dream of Aprons.

So, Utah is an odd place. And I fully intend to make a post about how freaking odd it really is, but right now I just want to focus on the fact that I now live in a much more populated area, that is also in proximity to a major city. And with this proximity and population there is alot of opportunity here that was not present in lil' old San Angelo. Not even as much as in an even bigger or more popular city, just more than San Angelo.

Well, at my beauty school (that I have to reattend to get my license in Utah), we get alot of "Guest Artists" who come to teach us new techniques and sell us products, tools, ect. One thing I have noticed about these artists is that they all talk about and profit and moving up in the world, and I don't see anything wrong with all that. Except I realized it really isn't something I care about.

Monday night we had a Redken artist (for those who are hair illiterate, she worked for one of the most presigious hair companies), and she was absolutely the sweetest lady ever, but she talked about money and how she had worked on celebrities, and everyone in the classroom wanted to know how to become a Redken artist. As I listened to her talk, and I have felt this many times before with other teachers too, I felt as if I HAD to become a rich stylist with high profile clients or else I would be a failure as a hairdresser. And I think that I felt that way because that is that standard that all stylists are held to- the closer you are to that, the better stylist you are!

I don't doubt my ability to make it to the big leagues as a stylist. I really think I could if I wanted to. But at that moment that I felt that pressure to be a wealthy stylist, I got very sad. Because if I did set that as my priority, it would mean all the other things I want to do, such as get a degree, marry, and have a family, would have to take a backseat. So, as my evening wore on, I sat there conflicted. The world tells me I should want to be a wealthy stylist, while, honestly, I don't think I want that. Don't get me wrong, the money and nice things and attention would probably be awesome, but at the same time, it means working long hours, travelling, and alot of responsibility, leaving very little time left over for the things that I feel REALLY matter.

Then that night I had this dream, and I feel like I disclose too many of my dreams to you blog readers, but I have found they really tell me things about myself. I don't think it's so much in a spiritual or vision related sort of way, just that my feelings manifest themselves wierdly in my dreams and since I remember my dreams so well, I can use them to figure out things about myself. Anyways, in this dream of mine, I always wore cute aprons. I had all these checkered and plaid aprons that I wore everyday, and I liked them. Well, I decided to try for a part in a movie, and so for some reason someone gave me a makeover basically and threw away all my aprons and I had to wear different, "better" clothes. And I missed my aprons, they were part of who I was. And when I saw my family, they all missed my aprons too, because they liked the Alisha who wore the apron.

Almost all hairstylists aspire to become rich and famous, or own their own salon, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that idea. But I think that I will be happiest in a nice little house, with my averagely paid husband and adorable kids...wearing my aprons.

Burrito.

(For those who don't know me or my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather.)


It was a typical Thursday night, and I showed up to Institute early as always for dinner. I don't remember what we ate, but I was wearing skinny jeans, my stud belt, a flowery black tank top and cardigan. I remember when Kelton walked in, wearing jeans and his A Day To Remember tshirt and looked utterly adorable. He was so happy and upbeat. I kept sneaking peeks up at him when he wasn't looking, and hoped he noticed me the way I was him. We then had class and afterward I hoped he would stay to play Scrud, but he took off pretty quickly. For the next week, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't remember his name, but my friend told me and I looked for him on Facebook but couldn't find him. On Sunday, I even went to his ward and hoped he wold be there but he wasn't. The next Thursday I went to institute with high hopes, and he was there! But this time he stayed to play Scrud. During the game we talked a little bit, and he was so sweet and a ton of fun. The whole time, I was contemplating giving him my number, but I was so nervous that he would just think I was crazy. I'm not usually the type of girl to give my number to someone I don't know, but every piece of me was telling me to do it. So I took a leap of faith, and I will never ever regret it.

But last night I got a message on Facebook, telling me that Kelton had been in an accident and died. The message came at 7:40... And I had only just spoken to him an hour before on the phone. I thought it was a joke, I called his cousin and demanded that he stop messing with me, but he wasn't. Kelton was gone. My best friend, my Zookeeper Kid, my Burrito. I really am not sure how to describe him, because all these words sound so mundane, but I guess I will try because I never want to forget the things he taught me. Kelton showed me what a real man is. He loved me no matter what my body looked like and appreciated my talents and quirks and wierd things I did for no reason. I told him everything and listened when he told me his secrets. I could tell him any mistake I ever made in the past, and he never cared or judged me for it. He loved hearing about Sunshine, and I promised him he could meet her someday, although he never had the chance on this earth. He was the most dedicated person I have ever known, and if he said he was going to do something, he did it... even if he botched it up a little. ;) I'm not going to make Kelton out to be perfect, because he wasn't. He was very imperfect, and thats one of the many reasons I loved him so much. He reminded me that I could be an amazing person, even if I messed up sometimes. We could talk and communicate so openly, even about difficult subjects, and he would try to see from my point of view and never get angry. We never had a fight even when we disagreed, although that was still rare. I have never met someone so like me, yet so different. We had many of the same experiences and views of religion and life, and leaned on eachother spiritually whenever we felt inadequate. We were much alike in that we were realistic and undramatic. He impressed me by his talent and passion for music, seeing as I had none. Some of my favorite memories with him is watching him play or listen to music, and the look he had in his eye and the happiness he felt at those moments. He worked very hard at his job, the military, and in his relationships, and accomplished so much for a boy his age.

Much of our friendship took place over long distance, but he would call me every morning to make sure I got up for school, text me frequently during the day, and we would talk on the phone or Skype every evening.  I knew Kelton as a friend, a counselor, an inspiration, an example, a confidante, and the other end of my telepathy. I'm sad I only got to know him for the last 5 months of his life, but I'm grateful to have had at least that much, and I know I will see him again. I know he is up there with Heavenly Father and he still loves me, and I hope he has the girl that he deserves, because there was nothing he wanted more than a wife and children.

I miss you so much Kelton, and you set the standard high for every man after you. It's going to be a challenge for me to find someone who understands me like you did. Also, now that you're dead, I'm being all sappy and lovey-dovey (or at least as sappy as I can possibly get, you know I'm not the romantic type).
I love you times a billion!