I used to think I loved Sunshine's birthfather. And I think I maybe did in a way, but I don't know in what way that was. Because I didn't love him until I was about 4 months into my pregnancy and now, six months later, I don't love him at all. I've sort of struggled with it inside my head, I havent been sure if I loved him or not, and then last night I had this dream.
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Most Wonderful Day EVER!
So I haven't posted in forever, because my life has been pretty much insane lately. I finished off my first year of college, finished working at Smartstyle, moved to Provo, and saw Sunshine again for the first time in 6 months. And all that happened in a week. Talk about exhausting. So I have spent the last few days sitting on the couch in my apartment watching TV. The last time I sat on the couch for more than ten minutes was when I was 9 months pregnant- and pretty much couldn't do anything except sit on a couch.
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.
I think this picture is adorable!
Her family after the sealing :)
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.
First haircut!
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