I used to think I loved Sunshine's birthfather. And I think I maybe did in a way, but I don't know in what way that was. Because I didn't love him until I was about 4 months into my pregnancy and now, six months later, I don't love him at all. I've sort of struggled with it inside my head, I havent been sure if I loved him or not, and then last night I had this dream.
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!
I think this post, maybe more than any other, shows the wisdom and maturity that you have gained. I'm so glad that you are documenting your memories, feelings, and the lessons you have learned. We often think that we will never, COULD never forget certain things that happen to us - but we do forget little details, and it's the little details that make all the difference in our perspective of the memory. Writing down these details keep the lessons alive. I'm also glad that you are documenting this in a public forum, because you are an example and inspiration to all women Alisha. I hope you don't mind, but I have already directed a couple of my friends to your blog - some who have adopted children - and they have been touched by your openess, honesty, and your testimony.
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