Real Love. It's not what the movies say it is.

One time when I was like 11 years old my friend and I were supposed to go over to her aunts house to swim, well my friend got in trouble for something I don't remember, and we couldn't go. So I went home and cried because now I didn't know what to do that afternoon because my friend couldn't play with me and my dad told me "You just depend on her too much." and I asked him what he meant and he said that I needed to learn to have fun on my own too. For some reason this statement stuck in my head, and although I didn't do much about it then, I think about it often now. I don't want to be dependent on other people.

I've had a few relationships with guys where I was very dependent on them, especially emotionally. Those relationships always ended badly... I dated a guy for a year and a half, and didn't even want to be with him anymore for the last half of the relationship, but didn't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have him. It took him going away for a month for me to realize I would be just fine without him. I was still devastated by the break up and it was very emotionally tolling and complicated for me. I vowed to never have that kind of relationship ever again. The kind where I had to speak to them every second of every day, see them as often as possible, and constantly have them reinforcing my worth as a person. NEVER AGAIN.

So in my attempt to not have a clingy, dependent relationship, I found myself in a short series of very bad relationships, just this time, it was the opposite extreme. I refused to emotionally invest myself in any way whatsoever, but to try to make up for it, I gave them whatever I could physically and refused to commit. Most of these flings lasted only a few weeks, if that, and when it would go down the drain, I wouldn't even shed a tear. Every single one of them would go back to their clingy, annoying exgirlfriend that they always had complained about, which now I realize is because I wasn't giving them the emotional food they craved.

I have found myself on both extremes of the spectrum, and neither one is pleasant. So what is a good balance though? What is the difference between needing to be together every moment of every day, and just enjoying eachothers company? What causes a realtionship to be hurtful rather than helping? What is real love?

I think the world has the idea of love all wrong. There is this stereotype of love, that it is this romantic, desperate longing for someone, where all you do is think about them and want to be with them, and there is nothing more important than that person. The kind of love where people give up anything and everything just to be together. The whole "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff" (It Takes Two).

I am one of the few lucky kids these days who has parents who are still married, and they are a fantastic example to me of what real love is like. They aren't perfect, but they accept each other in their imperfectons and help build each other. I have never heard them have a yelling or screaming fight, yes I have heard them have disagreements, but they handle it like adults and talk it out and make compromises. They really love each other. They love to be together, and they love their family. They make each other so happy, but it isn't destructive.

Real love isn't needing somebody. But it is wanting somebody. You can go on with life without them, but if they are around, it makes it just that much better. It is caring about someone so much that you want to be better for them. They are your best friend, the person you turn to in challenges, and who you can be completely yourself around.

I've quoted Mrs. Snell before, and that time I was disagreeing with some of her comments, but this time I am going agree with her.  She has an article about Chemistry in a relationship. She talks about how in some relationships there are a lot of highs and lows, and the highs seem so much higher just because the lows are so low. In a good relationship there shouldn't be any extreme lows. Not that a relationship won't have its challenges, but there shouldn't be feelings of abandonment and rejection. A persons self worth should not be tied into the relationship.
(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2010/06/22/chemisty-what-is-it-how-do-i-recognize-it-and-how-important-is-it/)

Maybe I'm not one to say what real love is. I'm not married or in a relationship, or even close to being in one. But I have had my fair share of bad relationships and I've done plenty of observing. And I want to marry a guy that I love, but only if it's real love. The best friend, last forever, trusting and compromising kind of stuff.

"I'm still the same, not much has changed, I still know where I came from."

- A Day To Remember (Another Song About the Weekend)

Okay, so my adorable little Sunshine is getting bigger everyday!!! It still blows my mind that she is almost 10 months old! I feels like it has been so much longer since I had her... And good news, I have lost all the weight except like 5 lbs! I get to see her ever few weeks, at least once a month I go up there for Sunday evening dinner, or I stop by if I just happen to make my way up through Salt Lake.  I was at her family's house when I found out about Kelton, and I am insanely grateful to her parents for dealing with my mental self the day after.  I seriously could not have picked better people to be my little darlings parents! I hope her whole family knows how much I love and appreciate them!

Such a thoughtful little cutie!

I really miss being pregnant sometimes.  I was lucky that I had such an easy pregnancy, because it left a good taste in my mouth about the whole baby-growing ordeal.  The downside to this is that I wish I was pregnant alot, because I like having a sweet little baby all cuddled up and warm inside me.  It just made me happy.  But annoyingly enough, I still have just under 3 years left of college, and I don't want to stop halfway. 

And on the topic of college, I just started my first semester of Brigham Young University!!! Its crazy to think that I'm finally where I know I'm supposed to be. The summer before I got pregnant, my family and I travelled up to Montana to visit our extended family and we stopped in Salt Lake to visit all the historical things there.  I absolutely loved it, and although at the time I wanted to go to Montana for school, I secretly knew I needed to come to Utah.  But then, at one of the most critical times in life, I found myself pregnant, and my life was basically put on hold.

Although I still went to school and worked through my pregnancy, there were days when I thought I would never get anywhere in life.  There were days when I was so absolutely sure that I would never get out of San Angelo and that no decent man would ever love me again.  I thought I would be miserable forever.  In the ten months since I placed Sunshine, I have had all of these things proven wrong. God is awesome like that.

Now this summer has been very challenging. Between moving and trying to make new friends, Kelton dying, and all the stress of school and money, I would have to say it equals, if not surpasses, the summer I spent in Texas pregnant.  But with this new school year, I am realizing that everything I have been through the last two years has brought me to this exact place at this time for a reason.  Every time things get so difficult that I just want to give up, I remind myself that what I'm looking for is out there somewhere, and every day is just a moment closer to him.

DATING SUCKS.

So, as most of you know, I moved to Provo a few months ago. When I first moved here, I was in a semi-relationship with Kelton, and while I was definitely interested in dating, it wasn't much of a priority for me. I had Kelton and I didn't really mind if other guys weren't asking me out. Then Kelton died, and suddenly I had all this free time from when I used to be on the phone or Skyping or hanging out with him. And now, I really want to date.

But wanting to date is not enough, somehow I have to get guys to ASK me on dates. About a week ago, I went to an institute class where this dating coach lady, Alisa Goodwin Snell, came to speak. Now, she was a great speaker and everything she said made alot of sense, but it also reinforced that I absolutely suck at getting guys to like me. She had a whole list of what guys want/like when they meet a girl, which are listed here:

Acting cool, casual, indifferent, and flat in her body language (i.e. acting like a pal), tells a man she does not have faith in him or trust his ability to respect her feminine, vulnerable, or softer side.

Giving a man her number, calling him, or asking him out (without his pursuit of these things first) robs him of the challenge, sacrifice, and accomplishment that he needs to engage in if he is to value and appreciate her.

Refusing a man’s help not only tells him he is not needed or important, it also denies him the opportunity to experience her appreciation and to feel like a hero.

(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2011/02/17/7-signs-he-sees-you-as-a-pal-not-a-gal/)

All of which I pretty much do not do, or if I do, it is not frequently. That's just the way I am. I'm not super flirty or feminine acting. If I want a guy to text me and he hasn't asked, I give him my number, do with it what he pleases. And if I can do something, I will do it myself, the way I want it done. But, according to Alisa, these things turn off a guy because they don't make him feel masculine or needed.

But why should I go out of my way to make a guy like me? I'm not feminine and needy in relationships, so why should I act like I am? And why would I want a guy who needs me to reinforce his masculinity by acting feminine? I am comfortable with myself the way I am: pretty, smart, and capable. I've gone through an entire pregnancy without a male companion, I don't think there is much I need a guy for. But I want to get married and have kids someday, and disppointingly enough that requires a man. Also, I enjoy being in love, as long as it is a healthy sort of love.

My theory on all this is that the man I marry will love me the way I am. I don't think I should change the way I treat men, my future husband will recognize my indepenence and strength and not be threatened by it. So, while I may not get as many dates as a girl who is good at the above mentioned techniques for getting boys (which there is nothing wrong with), I will remain confident in the idea that the guy I will marry is out there and will find his way to me somehow. One of many times that Kelton and I were discussing love and relationships via Skype, he said to me "Well if he is the right one, he will wade through that river, scale that wall, and come to you." I've never forgotten that, because none of the other guys matter, except the right one.