Birthmothers Unite!

I wrote this blog 6 months ago and never finished or posted it.

"So, I am recently realizing that I am terrified of other birthmothers. I always find myself beginning to read other birthmother's blogs, and just a few posts in, I leave the page and then avoid birthmother blogs for months. One thing I was excited about when I moved to Provo was that there were a lot more people here, and probably more birthmothers too. I hoped a birthmother support group so badly, yet, I've lived here for 6 months and not once called the number I have to find out when the group meets. So, in spite of my love of adoption, why do I avoid other peoples adoptions so fervently?

I have only ever met one other birthmother (that I was aware of) in real life. Her name is Liz, and I met her when I was about 6 months pregnant. One Sunday, I decided to go to the Student Branch at my church, and the lesson in Relief Society was on Chastity. That started out as an awkward lesson, with obviously pregnant me sitting in the room, but it turned out to be a blessing. The teacher talked about all the normal things concerning chastity, but then Liz talked about how when she was 17 she got pregnant and placed her baby for adoption. My mind was blown, because at that point I had just started seriously considering adoption. I think now that Heavenly Father had a hand in me ending up in a different classroom than I normally was, because if I hadn't been there, I would have never found out that Liz was a birthmother. After class, I asked Liz for her number and if she would be willing to have lunch with me sometime and talk.

That phone number sat, unused, in my phone until a week before I was due (about 3 months). I wonder why I waited so long to talk to Liz, because by that point, I had already made my decision. I think maybe it was because I didn't want her adoption and experiences to influence my decision. I wanted to make an unbiased, completely true decision based on my beliefs and circumstances. So a week before I was due, I finally texted Liz and we met for lunch. "

Liz ended up becoming a fantastic friend to me and I love her to death this this day.  But she doesn't live in Provo :(.  So finally, last Friday I called the phone number from the LDS Family Services office in Provo and found out the time and meeting place for the Birthparent Support Group. And that is where I spent my evening today.

I was terrified to go. What if all the girls were really weird? Or mean? Or negative about adoption? I had read birthmother blogs from girls who years and years after the adoption are a wreck still.  I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I met someone like that.  Adoption has been such an amazing thing in my life, what if I was confronted by someone who didn't feel the same?

All my fears were for nothing.  The Birthparent Support Group was fantastic.  Seriously, these girls were awesome.  There were four of us who had already placed, and two who were considering/about to place.  The other three girls who had placed had wonderful, amazing, positive adoption stories and we spent most of the two hours together just talking about our adoption stories and asking each other questions and absolutely raving about how awesome our baby's parents are (I love you, Jared and Amy!).  The other two girls about to place talked about their situations and asked us all questions and discussed their plans.  It was just such a beautiful experience sitting in a room with five other girls who has been through the same things I have.

I am so glad I finally gained the courage to go out and meet these other birthmothers.  I am definitely going to keep going to Support Group, not because I struggle with the adoption or my decision, but because there is just a camaraderie between birthmothers that cannot be found anywhere else. It's like a solace in the understanding between women who know we all fought for the same thing: our baby's future.

When I Will Be Happy.

I am a failure at birthmother blogging. I have about three trillion half-written blogs that i need to just compile and post someday...
Anyways, I'm going through my phase of pregnancy and birth obsession lately. Every few months I get very interested in babies again, mostly because I thought the whole process was freaking amazing. Definitely a defining moment for me.  One of the best and happiest days of my life, in spite of the fact that it is quite hazy and the details aren't very clear anymore - for my best recounting take a look at this blog: http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2012/11/her-birth-day-and-her-birthday.html
So, that was mostly irrelevent to the rest of the post, but I like to think that being obsessed with pregnancy/birth/babies etc is pretty normal among birthmothers, barring the fact that I have only ever met in real life one other birthmother (that I know of).
Last semester was rough for me, for a number of reasons. I was starting at a new college, moved into a new apartment, had new roommates, Kelton had died only a couple months before, I was having trouble getting my cosmetology licensing to go through, I was short on money, the list goes on and on.  I was under so much stress, and my brain in all effects had decided to stop functioning.  I couldn't focus on anything for very long, yet everything and everybody in my life was demanding something from me, and all I wanted to do (and mostly all I did) was lay in bed and cry. Anyways, November of last year I wrote these two paragraphs:

"I feel rushed. Like I need to get my life out of the way as quickly as possible. The pressure to get an education, find the man I'm supposed to marry, make a family. I feel like I need to make it happen tomorrow. Theres all these expectations and pressures, both external and internal, that push me forward everyday, and some days they get so intense to the point where I sit, stagnant, in my bedroom all day. I don't know why I think I need to make these things happen so quickly, maybe because those are the things that I was raised thinking I needed to do. Or maybe because I think I will finally be happy when I have accomplished those things. Or maybe because I'm just a ridiculous person who thinks they need to take on the whole world in one bite.
So I spend everyday being miserable, because I keep thinking only the future holds happiness. I couldn't wait to get out of high school, cause I thought then I would be happy. Then I thought that I would be happy after I placed my baby, then I thought I would be happy when I got out of San Angelo. Now I'm here, where I thought I was meant to be, doing what I always wanted to, and I'm not happy, and I don't know why. I've been stuck in this ridiculous cycle of 'When I Will Be Happy'.
I've been trying to be optimistic, thinking things would get better, but they haven't yet. I have so many ups and downs, I try changing something in my life, and I think things are getting better for a few days, I get excited, but soon enough I find myself down again. I blame my unhappiness on all these other things when really, they're just another step in my 'When I Will Be Happy' Cycle."

Even when I wrote those paragraphs I didn't fully understand my thoughts on the whole thing, but going back and reading them, I love my idea of the "When I Will Be Happy" Cycle.  It would begin with me being unhappy, and I would look around me and see a happy person, and see what they had that I didn't and I would decide that if I had that thing, I would then be happy.  So I would work toward whatever it was, all the while being miserable because I thought I couldn't be happy if I didn't have that thing. Eventually, I always would make it there, and I would be happy I accomplished whatever it was or got the thing I wanted, but soon after I always found myself unhappy and wanting something else...and the cycle begins again.
So my new personal goal is learning to be happy while working towards the things I want.  A degree, a family, a home...all these things will come in time and definitely make me very happy, but I can be happy now too.  It doesn't always work completely, I still spend plenty of time pining for things I can't have right now anyways, but I like to think happiness is a work in progress. There isn't any rush to get life done with, so I want to stop rushing.  It brings to mind the song "I'm In A Hurry" by Alabama, a song that my family has always joked is my dad's personal theme song because he is constantly in a hurry or rushing to get everything done. One line says, "I rush and rush until life is no fun..." Well I want to stop rushing, to stop thinking I have to make everything I want in my life happen today.  I want to appreciate the things I have in my life right now: youth, friends, freedom, independence, flexibility. I just want to be happy with where I am at, as long as I am working towards the things I know I want from life.  But they don't have to happen today or tomorrow or even next week.  I wish it all could, but it won't, so there is not point wasting energy on stressing or worrying when I could use that energy being happy.

So when will I be happy? My answer is today!

Not like Juno.

You know what I don't like? The movie Juno. And how when I bring up adoption, people bring up Juno. They're all like "Oh, like Juno?" and I am like, "No, not like Juno. At all."

Maybe I don't like Juno because it is so drastically different than my adoption story. And maybe because adoption is so much more complex than a movie can convey. I honestly don't like the character that is "Juno". I think she is annoying like no other. I hate the way she handles her pregnancy and relationship with the guy who got her pregnant. And that they don't show the weeks of mental breakdowns after placement. But thats Hollywood, and the movie made me bawl my eyes out anyways.

But lately I noticed I don't cover my entire story in this blog either. So I will try to fill some of the blank areas.

The last thing I really mentioned was the finding out, which is in this post:

http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-wrote-this-more-for-me-than-for-you.html

And I have described why I placed which is here:

http://sunshinealisha.blogspot.com/2011/12/adoption-vs-single-parenting-vs.html

When I was about 12 weeks along, I had my first doctors appointment. I talked to the doctor about my health and life and blah blah blah, and my mom mentioned to the doctor we were considering adoption. I didn't really agree, but kept my mouth shut. I hadn't decided anything yet. I remember seeing the baby on the little ultrasound machine. The doctor checked that the baby was there and developing correctly. I was kind of frightening. It made the whole thing less imaginary, less hypothetical. I felt like crying, but tried not to. He gave me a little printout, and I carried that thing with me everywhere for the next few months. I stared at it for hours, thinking "That is my little baby. It is growing inside me. I love it so much."

So, I was pregnant for my last 4 months of high school. During which I wasn't showing and was able to avoid the drama of being pregnant in high school. And although pregnant teenagers were no big deal at my school, can you imagine me showing up to the Top 10% Banquet or NHS ceremony pregnant? Senior prank of the century. I almost went anti-social. My family and a few close friends knew, but I still didn't really like talking about it. I didn't say anything about it on social networking sites, I never even mentioned it on Facebook until several days after placing her for adoption. It was my not so little secret with myself. I didn't like hearing others opinions or thoughts on the matter. I wanted to figure this out on my own.

For a long time, I didn't think I would place. I didn't want to. I couldn't imagine it. Though, alot of the time, I couldn't comprehend the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't really get sick, my belly wasn't big yet, and I lost my appetite. I slept alot, read alot, and thought alot. I would imagine having a baby. All the cute things I could buy it, and how I would raise my child, and the kind of life I would want it to have. It still didn't seem real though. I tried to guess the gender of my baby. I thought for a long time it would be a boy. I wanted a boy. I thought that if it were a boy, I wouldn't get as attached. I even had a couple dreams about a little boy, and was so sure that it was MY little boy.

When I was around 18 weeks along, I had my full sonogram. I chose to go alone. The technician tried to talk to me, but I stayed pretty quiet. I watched my baby on the screen. The technician pointed out her arms and legs and head and heart. She told me it was a girl. I realized this baby was REAL. It wasn't the baby I imagined up for myself. It wasn't the baby in my dream. It was a real child, flesh and blood, who was going to be born in 22 weeks, and needed a real home. A home just as real and safe and healthy as she was now. And a part of me knew I couldn't give her that.

For weeks I still insisted on contemplating parenting. I wanted to so bad. Eventually I gave in, and after much thought and prayer and tears, I accepted the placement. I knew what was right. It broke my heart, thinking of letting my baby leave me. But this wasn't a movie, and everything doesn't just work out alright in the end. I had to make it right, all on my own.