I feel like my life is an oxymoron right now. I am going through the most difficult thing I have ever been through, yet there is more light in my life than I have ever had before. I attribute that light to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I would never have made it through this without them. When I got pregnant, I was further from the straight and narrow than I had ever been in my life. And for a long time, I remained on that path, until I was hurt enough times by enough people to really get it beat into my head that I needed to change. Alot. Especially if I wanted to do the right thing for my baby. It wasn't easy. I had to change my friends, my attitude, my habits, the music I listened to...and it didn't happen over night. I changed little things, slowly, and those things would make a big impact on me and make me want to change something else. I prayed constantly. I read my scriptures. I paid attention in church (or tried to) and tried to think about what people said. I worked hard in school and at my job, and pushed myself to my limits, but in the times that I just couldn't go anymore, I left it to God and he never let me down. I found light in my life and in my soul and developed a relationship with Christ as I worked to repent of my bad decisions. And in the end I knew without a doubt that my baby belonged with Jared and Amy. I knew she wasn't mine, I may have given her my genetics and grown her inside my body, but she was Jared and Amy's child in spirit, even before I signed the legal paperwork.
For a long time I have tried to figure out what she is to me... because I don't feel like I'm her mom. Amy is. I don't feel like she is my daughter, because she isn't (biology not considered). I just happened to be the one to give her a body. I love her so much though. I can't help but smile when I look at her picture, the way I feel for her is indescribable. I love her so much and she's so amazing that everything I went through for her doesn't matter. To me, she symbolizes faith and hope and love and all the wonderful things I never understood until she came into my life. So I decided that she is my Sunshine. Thats why I named this blog Sunshine (and it's also a reference to her name). Because my life has never been so bright as it is now. It's never been so challenging or painful either, but with the bad comes the good, and I feel them equally now.
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