Together, we are motherhood.

--I wrote this one a few months ago but forgot to post it, so here it is :) --

I never REALLY wanted to be a mom. Like, I wanted to have kids eventually, and I knew that family was important, blah blah blah... but I had my own personal goals that I intended on fulfilling before I ever got married or even considered having babies. And then BAM! one day, I didn't have that choice. I was pregnant, and I was going to have a baby regardless of whatever plans I had for my future. And you know what? I didn't care. I loved Sunshine from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care if I had to give up my dreams of getting a masters degree or being a cosmetics developer. I just wanted to be the best mom to her that I could ever be...in the end that entailed placing her for adoption, but that's not the point. The point is that I finally understood the immense and powerful love mothers have for their children. It's irrevocable and unconditional and incomprehensible. I cant even describe the feeling of it except by saying what it is not, because I can't really explain what it is.

This understanding of motherly love really caused me to appreciate all great mothers and what they do. Because being a mother isn't just giving birth or having a cute kid or all the wonderful things that comes with having kids. Motherhood is work. It is pain and suffering and disappointment. Motherhood is probably one of the greatest challenges that God has given to us. Mothers suffer through pregnancy and childbirth, they stay up all night with crying babies (and teenagers...and well, any age of person), they let scared toddlers into bed with them, they fight everyday to teach their children the gospel, they deal with the disappointment of childrens bad choices, they feel pain when their children are in pain. Mothers are heroes. I may not be Sunshine's mom, but in a certain way I am (I know that was contradictory, please bear with me.). Birthmoms are entrusted with one of God's choice spirits to nourish and care for and protect, even if for only a time. We are given the responsibility of making sure that the child we grew inside of us makes it to the family they are meant for, in spite of our personal emotional pains. We love our babies more than ourselves, and that sort of love makes it possible to do what we do. And that makes us as much mothers as the next lady who raises her child. On the other hand, Amy (Sunshines's mom) may not be able to bear children of her own, but she is still completely capable (if not more so) of loving and caring for children at the same level as any other mom. I don't know all the details, and I don't care to, but I do know that Amy suffered for a very long time before she was blessed with a child- through adoption. I hurt for her, and for all the time that she had to wait and for the pain that I know it caused her. Motherhood isn't easy, and it hurts, alot.

After that downer of a paragraph, I can't stress my next line strongly enough: IT IS WORTH IT. Sunshine isn't even 5 weeks old yet, and I already know that every ounce of pain I have suffered for her and will suffer for her is all completely worth it. It was worth it the first time I saw her. It is worth it everytime I get a picture or hear about how wonderful and beautiful she is. It will always be worth it. Her happiness makes it worth my pain because her happiness makes me happy. It's like a big circle of love and happiness and sacrifice and pain that just leads to more love and happiness and so on. I can't speak for every mother in the world, but I don't think it is a stretch to say that most mothers feel this way.

Having had a baby, and placing her, has made me want to be a mom, so badly. It has made me yearn for pretty little children of my own. I can't wait until the day that I am married and can have children that are mine to raise and cherish and nurture. But until then, Sunshine is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world and I would and have done whatever it takes to put her where she belongs, which is with her mom, Amy.

I don't feel like I am Sunshine's mother, more like her sister or close friend who gave birth to her, and I do have that motherly love for her where I want to do everything possible to make sure she turns out to be a wonderful, happy girl. But Amy is her mom. She will be the one who teaches her to tie her shoes and will kiss her scratches and do all the things that a mom does for their child. I am so thankful to have found such a phenomenal woman to be Sunshine's mom.

"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood." -Desha Wood