My last night with Sunshine.

Tonight, I miss Sunshine. Tonight, I am lonely and angry. Tonight, I don't want to sleep and I don't want to be awake and I am just sad.

On nights like tonight, I always think back to my last night in the hospital with Sunshine. I stayed alone that night, just her in the room with me. I talked to her a lot that night, not that she could understand my words or talk back, but I know she understood what my heart was saying to her. I told her how much I loved her and was going to miss her. I sang to her my favorite children's song, A Child's Prayer. I held her and rocked her and hugged her and kissed her, since I knew I wouldn't get to do those things again for a good while. I remember looking into her deep dark brown eyes and seeing so much innocence and beauty. I laid her next to me in my bed, tucked under my arm, and just watched her sleep until I fell asleep too, with her right there next to me. That is my most precious memory of my time with her. Just having that one night with her next to me, it was so perfect and quiet and I can't hardly explain what it means to me now. I just know I love Sunshine so much and I hope she knows it too.

So on nights like tonight, I lay in bed and go back 9 weeks and imagine I have my baby next to me again, and for just a moment I'm not quite as lonely anymore.