Together, we are motherhood.

--I wrote this one a few months ago but forgot to post it, so here it is :) --

I never REALLY wanted to be a mom. Like, I wanted to have kids eventually, and I knew that family was important, blah blah blah... but I had my own personal goals that I intended on fulfilling before I ever got married or even considered having babies. And then BAM! one day, I didn't have that choice. I was pregnant, and I was going to have a baby regardless of whatever plans I had for my future. And you know what? I didn't care. I loved Sunshine from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care if I had to give up my dreams of getting a masters degree or being a cosmetics developer. I just wanted to be the best mom to her that I could ever be...in the end that entailed placing her for adoption, but that's not the point. The point is that I finally understood the immense and powerful love mothers have for their children. It's irrevocable and unconditional and incomprehensible. I cant even describe the feeling of it except by saying what it is not, because I can't really explain what it is.

This understanding of motherly love really caused me to appreciate all great mothers and what they do. Because being a mother isn't just giving birth or having a cute kid or all the wonderful things that comes with having kids. Motherhood is work. It is pain and suffering and disappointment. Motherhood is probably one of the greatest challenges that God has given to us. Mothers suffer through pregnancy and childbirth, they stay up all night with crying babies (and teenagers...and well, any age of person), they let scared toddlers into bed with them, they fight everyday to teach their children the gospel, they deal with the disappointment of childrens bad choices, they feel pain when their children are in pain. Mothers are heroes. I may not be Sunshine's mom, but in a certain way I am (I know that was contradictory, please bear with me.). Birthmoms are entrusted with one of God's choice spirits to nourish and care for and protect, even if for only a time. We are given the responsibility of making sure that the child we grew inside of us makes it to the family they are meant for, in spite of our personal emotional pains. We love our babies more than ourselves, and that sort of love makes it possible to do what we do. And that makes us as much mothers as the next lady who raises her child. On the other hand, Amy (Sunshines's mom) may not be able to bear children of her own, but she is still completely capable (if not more so) of loving and caring for children at the same level as any other mom. I don't know all the details, and I don't care to, but I do know that Amy suffered for a very long time before she was blessed with a child- through adoption. I hurt for her, and for all the time that she had to wait and for the pain that I know it caused her. Motherhood isn't easy, and it hurts, alot.

After that downer of a paragraph, I can't stress my next line strongly enough: IT IS WORTH IT. Sunshine isn't even 5 weeks old yet, and I already know that every ounce of pain I have suffered for her and will suffer for her is all completely worth it. It was worth it the first time I saw her. It is worth it everytime I get a picture or hear about how wonderful and beautiful she is. It will always be worth it. Her happiness makes it worth my pain because her happiness makes me happy. It's like a big circle of love and happiness and sacrifice and pain that just leads to more love and happiness and so on. I can't speak for every mother in the world, but I don't think it is a stretch to say that most mothers feel this way.

Having had a baby, and placing her, has made me want to be a mom, so badly. It has made me yearn for pretty little children of my own. I can't wait until the day that I am married and can have children that are mine to raise and cherish and nurture. But until then, Sunshine is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world and I would and have done whatever it takes to put her where she belongs, which is with her mom, Amy.

I don't feel like I am Sunshine's mother, more like her sister or close friend who gave birth to her, and I do have that motherly love for her where I want to do everything possible to make sure she turns out to be a wonderful, happy girl. But Amy is her mom. She will be the one who teaches her to tie her shoes and will kiss her scratches and do all the things that a mom does for their child. I am so thankful to have found such a phenomenal woman to be Sunshine's mom.

"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood." -Desha Wood

My last night with Sunshine.

Tonight, I miss Sunshine. Tonight, I am lonely and angry. Tonight, I don't want to sleep and I don't want to be awake and I am just sad.

On nights like tonight, I always think back to my last night in the hospital with Sunshine. I stayed alone that night, just her in the room with me. I talked to her a lot that night, not that she could understand my words or talk back, but I know she understood what my heart was saying to her. I told her how much I loved her and was going to miss her. I sang to her my favorite children's song, A Child's Prayer. I held her and rocked her and hugged her and kissed her, since I knew I wouldn't get to do those things again for a good while. I remember looking into her deep dark brown eyes and seeing so much innocence and beauty. I laid her next to me in my bed, tucked under my arm, and just watched her sleep until I fell asleep too, with her right there next to me. That is my most precious memory of my time with her. Just having that one night with her next to me, it was so perfect and quiet and I can't hardly explain what it means to me now. I just know I love Sunshine so much and I hope she knows it too.

So on nights like tonight, I lay in bed and go back 9 weeks and imagine I have my baby next to me again, and for just a moment I'm not quite as lonely anymore.

A second chance at being young.

I had to grow up in 9 months. I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty fast. I was thrust from being an average high school kid, selfish and irresponsible (like any high school kid should be), into the adult world of babies, finances, and responsibilities. I struggled with it, like any teenager would. It wasn't fair! Why did MY life suddenly have to fall apart? Why did I have to work and go to school and be pregnant all at once? There are kids out there who do alot worse things than what I did, and they didn't face the choice that I had!!! I felt separated from my peers, from my siblings, from everybody! My sisters would have friends over, and I'd try to talk and joke with them, but it didn't feel right. They all just looked at me wierd, kind of how I used to look at my dad wierd when he joked with my friends. I wasn't one of them anymore. But I wanted to be! So badly, I wanted to be 17 again. I hated having to be mature. I hated having to think like an adult, act like an adult, be an adult! But I didn't get the choice, not if I wanted to do what was best for my baby, because if I had been immature about my choice, I would have kept her. So I put on my big girl panties, grew up, and placed my baby.

And that choice has had an unexpected outcome for me: A second chance at being young!!! Of course, I'll never be the same again. I still feel slightly separated from other kids my age, but I think I'll always feel that way, because not many people to go through what I have and do what I did. But I do get to think of myself a little more. I get to hang out with my friends until midnight and sleep late in the mornings and joke about cute boys. I get to have fun without worrying if my baby is okay and I get to buy things for myself with my money. I get to be a kid again....just a smarter one this time! :) And one who appreciates the lack of responsibility of being young.

Now, I didn't place my baby because I wanted to still be a kid. I love Sunshine to death, and I would have kept her if it wouldn't have negatively affected her. But it would have, so I placed her, because that was what was right. And I was completely selfless in that decision, so I think I deserve to be a little selfish now, right?

2011: I have woven a parachute out of everything broken.

One year ago, my life as I now know it began. One year ago, I was immature and selfish. I had a very low self esteem, and found myself looking for personal confirmation from other people - mostly boys. I couldn't think for myself and I let the world push me around, and tell me who I should be. In this last year, I have had more challenges and blessings, heartbreak and love, desperation and faith, than I have in all the years before it....combined. In that year, I accomplished so many things, big and small. I graduated high school, got my Cosmetology license, worked, went to college, made friends (and enemies), did everything I set my mind to. But those things aren't the things that make 2011 stand above all other years.

One year ago, today, Sunshine's birthfather and I started dating. Exactly one year ago. That's when it all started going downhill, and only a few months later I found myself pregnant. I never imagined it would happen to me, but it did. And with him! Sometimes I've wondered, "Why him? Why not a guy that I could have married and raised my baby?" but then I remember that if he had been the kind I could have married, Jared and Amy would have never gotten Sunshine. Consequently, I embarked along the difficult path of placing my baby for adoption. I didn't think I could do it in the beginning. I was absolutely terrified. I thought it was impossible for me to have that kind of strength. I didn't think I had it in me to make that kind of choice, go through with it, and survive emotionally and spiritually. But I was wrong.

I made that choice, went through with it, and stand here today as a significantly different person than I was a year ago. I did something that I deemed impossible for me. And I came out of it stronger, smarter, and happier than I ever could have imagined. Today I can look back on the last year and say I am honestly proud of myself for who I have become and the changes I made in my life. Today I can look back and say I know I did the right thing and I can continue on this path in my life. I've learned to love in a whole new way, and grown closer to my Heavenly Father and Christ. I learned who my real friends were and made new ones too. I discovered that I am capable of anything as long as I have my Heavenly Father there by my side. I learned to never lose hope or faith, and trust in God's timing. In a year, my whole life has fallen apart and rebuilt itself into something amazing.

So, I begin 2012 a whole new person, dedicated to God and my future. Dedicated to improving more than I already have and accomplishing more than I did in 2011. Who knows where I will find myself a year from now?