A lonely heart.

People talk about birthmoms mourning the loss of their baby- the loss of the possiblities and memories. But I think I mourn the loss of my pregnancy more than Sunshine herself. Probably because I don't feel like I lost her, and that she was never mine in the first place. From the moment she was born, she was Jared and Amy's. And I am okay with that- in fact I'm happy about that. But the baby that was inside me, she was mine. Completely. And I loved having her there, all safe and warm and loved and perfect. She was my life, my reason for living and working and pushing myself as hard as I did while I was pregnant. Every movement I made was out of my love for her, to make sure she ended up where she belonged when she was born. And now I don't have that, and I'm lonely.

I really hate being lonely. I think just about anyone does. And I don't mean being alone- I enjoy being alone sometimes. It's the feeling of lonliness that really gets to me. Because I can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly lonely. I just feel like I don't have anybody or anything to love. When I just feel like I have so much to give somebody... but no one wants or needs it. And I don't mean a boyfriend or anything. I just want a friend, somebody to take care of and tell how wonderful they are and that I love them so much. And I feel like nobody wants that from me.

That's one of the things I miss about being pregnant... I never felt lonely. I always had my baby with me, and even though she couldn't talk to me or anything, I still always had her there. And whenever I felt like I just really needed to love somebody, she was there for me to love. She was completely dependent on me for life, and I felt needed. Like my love and care really mattered to someone and they loved me back.

There were so many nights while I was pregnant where I felt absolutely unloved and miserable. But I always had my baby with me and I could put my arms around my stomach and feel her kick and give her all the love I felt like nobody else wanted. But now I don't have that. I can still love her, but I get lonely now. Really lonely. This post isn't a pity party, I'm not depressed or looking for sympathy, I'm just being honest. I miss my baby. I miss being needed and I miss having someone to live for.

My wonderful, amazing, beautiful Sunshine :)