Out!!!

I need out. Out of San Angelo, out of Texas, out of all the familiarity and memories and everything I have been in the last 6 or 7 years. It's not like I'm running from my past or anything, but it's more like I've come to terms with everything that has happened in my life, and it's time to move on. If I stay here too long, I'll just be miserable forever. And I can't let myself do that. Plus, I know theres more out there for me than what is in San Angelo. Not saying San Angelo isn't an okay place or anything, but it's not the place for me.

I am generally okay most days. I am happy and I laugh and have fun and am just like any other person. But some days, I feel like a thousand ton train just ran into me. Some days are just flat out hard. Occasionally, something triggers it, but most times it's just a random bout of missing Sunshine. Today was kinda one of those days. It didn't seem that way... I went to he mall, and work, and came home and everything was just like normal. But ALL DAY I had this nagging sadness in the back of my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about Sunshine and how much I missed her. I just kept pushing it away, because I had things I needed to get done and I didn't have time to sit down and cry like I wanted to. Then I checked my email and I had new pictures and a video from her parents, and I finally just let it all go. So here I am, 2 1/2 hours later, stilll red eyed and looking at pictures of her. One time I heard a quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey. I loved it because it reminded me that, yes, I will hurt for Sunshine sometimes but I don't have to let it control me or bring me down. I am more than allowed to be sad, but I'm not allowed to pity myself.

Missing her hurts, but it's an odd kind of hurt. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a clean hurt. It's not a messy ragged unmanageable hurt that makes you feel insane or like your life has fallen apart, but it's the kind of hurt that feels like someone sliced your heart in half but they can easily sew it back together and it will heal. It's almost a hopeful hurt, like I'm so sad right now, but I know I'll be happy soon. And it hurts so bad, but I don't feel alone, and I'm not alone. Although I prefer to handle it that way. I'd rather cry when no ones around and I'd rather not "talk about it" with someone, and when I do feel like I want to, it's usually with my mom. But I don't usually. Probably just because no one can understand (except my wonderful birthmom friends), no matter how much I talk and explain it. So I sit alone, up late at night, and do my best to kind of put it all into words for this blog, trying to help myself and everyone else understand a little better what has happened. It acctually helps alot, just getting it out there. Now that I've written this blog post, I am done crying and most of the hurt has receded back to it's normal level of potency and now I just reaaallllyyy wanna go to bed.