Her birth day and her Birthday.

I started this post a few weeks ago, because I knew it would take me at least that long to write it. I knew it would be one of the posts I love writing because it's a story thats so close to my heart, but also because I knew I would cry my eyes out. And I did, because it's pulling out alot of emotions that I tried so hard to control, so here I am, the night before my beautiful baby's first birthday, trying to see the keyboard and make sense of all the thoughts in my head.

No matter how much I loved Sunshine, by the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was ready to be done. So it was the day before my due date and I had a doctors appointment in the morning. (Pause for awesome fun fact: Sunshine's due date was 11/11/11. How crazy? ) Anyways, I had this doctors appointment, and I went in hopeful, for some type of good news that maybe I was very dialated or something, anything, to indicate that this baby was getting out SOON. I was disapointed when I was barely 1 cm dialated, and the doctor didn't have much to say except that now we just had to wait. I was dying inside, it was torure waiting for my baby to come. Everday I woke up with the impending labor/delivery and subsequent placement weighing on my shoulders. I just wanted it to happen already, or at least have a deadline. My mom asked about inducing me, and the doctor launched into some spiel about how they "dont like to induce first time mothers" and "unknown risks" blah blah blah. My mom looked the doctor in the eye and said "we need to get this over with", and the doctor couldn't do much against the wrath of mamma bear. He caved, and I told him I wanted to be induced on Monday morning.
I was so excited, it was a Thursday, meaning only 3 full days left of my pregnancy, if that. I got home and immediately called Jared and Amy.  There was nothing I wanted more for them than the opportunity to be there when their child was born. They confirmed that they would make it to San Angelo by Monday morning... and then the wait began.

I had alot of mixed feelings the last few days of carrying Sunshine. I was really tired of being huge and heavy and tired all the time, and I would be overjoyed when I thought of Monday and how she would finally be brought into the world and I could finally get my life back to normal. Then there were the moments when I thought of what her being born really meant: That there would no longer be my little baby inside me all cuddled up and warm. I wouldn't have my sweet girl to give all my love to and care about. I would cry, harder than I ever had before, and all I could think is "I don't want her to go." THen the horrible anticipation of the placement. All the paperwork, all the legal formalities and people who wanted to talk to me about the placement. We had been over the papers before, but would I feel differently about them now? How would it feel to sign them? What would it feel like, leaving the hospital empty handed?

I hoped I would go into labor early, but no such luck. I arrived at the hospital on Monday, November 14th, at 6 am. They weighed me (only gained 30 lbs!) and I was in my bed, started on petocin (the drug that induces labor) around 7. The checked to see how dialated I was, and I was still at like 2 cm. Around 8 they broke my water, and after that the contractions started pretty intensely and regularly. Somewhere around this time the birthfather and his family and Jared and Amy showed up. We sat around for a while, chatting, and watchign the macheines. The nurses had some issues getting the monitors to stay on, due to the wierd perfect roundness of my stomach. (I heard frequently that I literally looked like I had a basketball under my shirt). I think around 10 oclock I decided I had had enough of the contractions and it was time for the epidural. That in and of itself was a fun little endeavor, but once the drugs were in my system, I felt great! They even gave me an awesome little button to push if I needed an extra boost. Within a 30 minutes, I couldn't feel anything below my waist. By 12 o'clock I was dialated to 8 cm, and at 1 pm I was fully dialated and began pushing.

At 2:43 in the afternoon, I gave birth to Sunshine. She was 7lbs 8oz, and 19 inches long. I remember the first moment I saw Sunshine. It was just a glimpse of her, as I opened my eyes after she was born, and I heard her cry and saw her little blueish body moving in the hands of the doctor. I remember that moment so clearly. I remember how insanely happy I was, and how much I loved her at that moment, and just my amazement at finally seeing the beautiful child that had been growing in me for the last 9 months. Because I was lucky enough to have Sunshine's family there, I made sure Amy was in the room when I gave birth and that she was able to cut her umbilical cord and be the first to hold her. Seeing Amy holding Sunshine was such a spiritual moment for me, because I knew so strongly that Amy was meant to be her mother. Then Amy brought her next to me and placed her by my head to see. I remember the first time I saw that cute little squished face, and how my first thought was "Oh my, newborns are ugly", yet I loved her so much and thought she was so gorgeous anyways. And Amy and I just looked at this baby that we both loved so much and cried.

Legally, the placement couldn't happen until 48 hours after I gave birth, and I chose to take care of her for those 2 days. I count those 48 hours as the best in my life. Taking care of Sunshine was such a fantastic experience for me. I was able to find my buried mothering instincts and get to know my little girl the best I could. I loved just holding her and cuddling with her, and did every moment I had a chance. She was seriously the most adorable baby I had ever seen, and every time I looked at her, I loved her even more. I enjoyed changing her diapers, and cleaning up her spit-up, and just watching her sleep. When time came for placement, I was terrified. I got really frusturated that day, because it seemed like every ten minutes there was a different counselor or doctor or nurse coming to bother me, when I really just wanted to spend as much time with Sunshine as I could, because I knew that after this day, it would be at least 6 months until I saw her again. So around 3 in the afternoon, we started signing papers. As I held my baby in one arm, and signed the papers that made her Jared and Amy's, I just cried. I knew what I was doing was right, beyond a doubt, but I was so afraid of being without my baby. I had become so attached, so dependent on what she meant to me, and the love I gave her. I didn't want her to leave, I wanted to stay in that hospital with my newborn baby forever. I didn't know what I would do with myself when I didn't have her anymore. Signing those papers was one of the greatest feats of faith I have ever experienced. I knew I just had to trust God that I could still go on with life without Sunshine in my arms.

Time came to get packed up and leave. I left the hospital alongside Jared and Amy, and watched as they situated their new baby into the car. There were so many hugs and tears and love expressed in those last few minutes before we drove off. In just a matter of days, we had become family, and I loved Jared and Amy so much for all that I knew that they would do for my baby. I knew that they loved her just as much as I did, I knew they were meant to be her parents, I knew they would provide her with so much that I could not have. All the stability and opportunities and happiness that I knew they would give her meant the world to me.

As I got in my parents car and we drove away, it was so surreal. It was scary seeing the same streets I always had, but now I was just Alisha. Not Alisha and baby, like before. There was a small sense of accomplishment in the back of my mind, that I had finally overcome what I had been waiting for months to conquer. But mostly, I missed my baby. I missed her more than anything or anyone I had ever missed before. I felt so lonely, all I wanted was to hold her again, to hold her forever, but I couldn't, so instead, I cried.

Today is Sunshine's first birthday, and when I look back on the placement, I smile. I don't have an ounce of regret for my decision, and I am so thankful she has turned out to be such a happy little girl. One year ago I gave birth to her, and now, thanks to open adoption, I have the opportunity to spend that day with her and her family again. I couldn't ask for anything more.

When it all became real.

As October progresses, I have found myself thinking back on this time last year, in which I was 8 months pregnant, and coming up on one of the most difficult times in my life.  I remember trying to prepare mentally. I had become so attached to my baby, I loved her so much, and still do. I couldn't imagine giving her to someone else to raise, but I couldn't deny that I knew she didn't belong to me.
I had been speaking to Jared and Amy for months, and I finally told them I wanted to place my baby with them, but wanted to meet them in person first. So they got on an airplane, and came all the way from Idaho, just for a day, to meet me and Sunshine's birthfather, just two weeks before my due date.
We met in the morning at a little breakfast place called "Kozy Kitchen". It was sort of weird at first, I think we were all unsure of how to act. I had been emailing these people for months, I knew so much about them, but suddenly, they were real. And I was going to give my baby to them. We ate, and talked, and I really don't remember about what except our conversation about naming the baby. I told them that it was going to be their baby that they would live with everyday, so they could name her. But they said they didn't want to name her something I hated, because I would have to call her that too. They suggested a name- and could tell I was not a fan of it. Then the birthfather and I suggested the name that we had always liked, and Jared and Amy really liked it too. (Later they remembered that their friends had just named their baby that, so it ended up being her middle name.) Over the weeks, I contemplated the name Jared and Amy suggested, and by the time I had Sunshine, I loved it, and still do until this day. (Sunshine is not her real name, it's just what I call her on my blog because it's public.)
Anyways, after breakfast, we went over to the birthfather's house for them to have some time to get to know Jared and Amy. I'll be honest, this was probably one of the scariest parts of the day for me. While my family was very supportive of any decision I would have made, especially my decision to place, the birthfathers family was not. They weren't LDS and didn't have the same beliefs that were driving my decision. So they struggled with the idea of the adoption. I had been trying to defend the adoption to them throughout my whole pregnancy, but when I look back, it really helped me become stronger in my decision, constantly having someone questioning it. Every time I had to explain why I was doing this crazy thing, it reinforced that it was the right thing too.
Then in the late afternoon, we went back to my house to meet my parents. Jared and Amy clicked with my family immediately. There was just this mutual love for my baby and understanding of God and the gospel that seemed to bring us together. It has been wonderful to see how our families have come together, even after Sunshine's birth. It's like, all these people love this one little girl so very much, and have become like family because of it.
And then, I met Jared and Amy's son.
They had adopted him as an infant also, 3 years earlier. I seriously think he is what sold me on this family. He was the most adorable, wonderful, loving little boy ever, and I just HAD to have him as my baby girl's big brother. I could just imagine them a few years later, when some kid thought it would be funny to pick on Sunshine, and he would step in and make sure nobody touched his sister.
Later in the evening, everyone gathered at my house for hamburgers, and at one point, I was sitting next to Amy on the couch when the baby started kicking. While I was pregnant, it was ridiculously easy to see the baby move inside my stomach. It was visible from across the room, and almost freakish looking. Anyways, I pointed it out to Amy, and she was able to see her future daughter kicking inside my stomach.
Eventually the day had to end, and Jared and Amy and their son had to head back north, so we said our goodbyes. We even took pictures, which are among the very very few that exist of me pregnant (due to the fact that I kept it a secret from much of society, esp social networking sites, until after the adoption). So, I present to all of the birthmother blogging world, a photo of me, huge and 8 1/2 months pregnant! Also pictured is the birthfather on the left, and Jared and Amy and their son in the middle.

 

I look back on that day as a happy one. A stressful, long, emotional day for sure, but a happy one. Things started to fall into place, and the fact that I was placing my baby for adoption became real. I was terrified about what the next few weeks would hold, but I when I laid down to (kind of) sleep that night, I was completely sure that I had found the family that my baby belonged to.

Death.

I woke up this morning feeling kind of nostalgic and sad, and at first I wasn't sure why. Then I realized it was October 3rd, meaning it had been 3 months since Kelton died. It's been a wierd 3 months since he died, and I can't believe its only been 3 months because it feels like he has been gone for forever.

Before Kelton died, I always wondered why people got so upset about family and loved ones dying. I had never known anyone who died, and because I'm LDS, I always just thought, "It's no big deal, you will see them again, it's not like they are gone forever!".  Now I kick myself in the face for my insensitivity, because death is a complicated and frustrating part of life. Kelton's cousin told me he died shortly after it happened. He gave me him number via facebook, and I called and argued with him for five minutes about how him and Kelton needed to stop playing this joke on me, because it wasn't funny. By the time I started to believe him, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. I couldn't understand how this had happened. Death had always been such a foreign idea to me. And now someone I was so close to had died. Unexpectedly.

One of the scariest parts for me was the randomness of it all. Things had been going really well for me at that point in my life- I had just moved to Provo, I lived near Kelton and Sunshine, I was going to go to BYU in the fall, I was getting all geared up for what I expected to be the time of my life. And then, out of nowhere, a stupid one-car accident, and the car flipped and fell in just the wrong way as to break Keltons neck and leave him dead.

Dead. But at that time, what did "dead" mean to me? I had never seen a dead person in real life. I had never been to a funeral. I had known a few old people who died, at church or a distant relative or something, but those deaths were expected. I had never been emotionally attached to those people or really associated with them for more than a minute or so.

That night, it was odd not having Kelton and I's nightly Skype session or phone call. But I was mostly in shock, and while I was upset, I was mostly scared, because I had no idea what the next few days would hold for me. His dad called me to make sure I had heard what happened and let me know he would update me on funeral stuff whenever he found out. I was terrified at the idea of the funeral. I didn't know what to expect, or who would be there, or how all that worked. Did I really want to go see his dead body?

In spite of all my fears, I made my way up to a city in Idaho where I had never been, and went to his funeral. I had been staying with Kelton's dad and family, and so I was early to the viewing on Friday night. I tried to not think about seeing his body, but I knew I needed to do it. As I walked tword the front of the empty room, I felt all the supressed emotions start to come to the surface, and when I got close enough to see his face, I broke down. That body, that the last time I had seen it was bright and alive, was now dull and lifeless. It didn't look like him, Kelton was so animated and expressive, it couldn't be him. It was shocking, realizing the difference that the spirit makes inside a body. The warm, happy, soft boy that I had joked, cuddled, laughed, and talked with, was laying there, missing the thing that made him Kelton.

So that's what physical death is. Where the body is no longer functioning. I know his spirit is out there, doing whatever it is that God is having his spirit do, and Kelton is just fine. But his physical death has stipulations for those of us still alive. Stipulations such as the fact that we can't communicate anymore, or touch, or do fun things together. And it sucks. People all say things like "Oh he is still looking out for you" or "He is there and you just can't see him", well guess what? It doesn't make it suck any less. It doesn't make it any less confusing for my heart or mind.

Kelton came and left so quickly, but he still left an impression. Sometimes I wonder why God would put someone in my life for such a short time, but then I remember all the lessons I've learned, both from Kelton's life and death. Like that an open-casket funeral is a ridiculous tradition, why the heck does anyone want to look at a dead body? And more seriously, to cherish the times you have with the people you love, because you never know when they'll be gone.

And, for those who don't know, Kelton was a pretty good guitar player. I don't know much about guitar, but I for sure can't play it. Also, the tshirt he is wearing in this video is the one he was wearing when we met. Ironic much?

The Problem (And Solution) of My Body

This following blog isn't going to be me begging for attention or reassurance of myself, I'm just approaching a very difficult subject for some women: our after-baby bodies. I know everybody has heard before the complaints about how modern culture puts so much emphasis on women being skinny and flat stomachs and blah blah blah. I don't really mind them. I have come to realize I rarely see a woman who looks like the girls in magazines, and I'm okay with that reality, and the reality that I will probably never look like those girls, so that doesn't bother me at all.

But I live in Provo, Utah, where the majority of females I associate with are normal college age women. And not that they are physically perfect or anything, but they are generally attractive girls, with normal body types. Like I said, not perfect, and everybody is a little different, but most of them have never grown a person inside their stomach. And so sometimes I worry about my body. I go to the pool, and I see other girls, and I notice that I have just a slightly different shape to my body. And sometimes I see one of my roommates stomach and remember that mine isn't smooth skin, I have stretch mark scars. And I see a girl in shorts, and remember that I have vericose veins on my legs and so I couldn't wear those shorts if I wanted to. Sometimes I am sad that now I have scars on my stomach, and vericose veins on my legs, and a little bit of a pudge on my belly that will never really go away.

I recently read an article about "What Postpartum Bellies Really Look Like", and it had some pictures women had submitted of their bellies at different times after having a baby. I was reminded that yes, other women have ugly stomachs too, and it's normal and okay. These ladies have some guts to show their stomachs on the internet, and sorry, you won't get a shot of mine, but it's the reality of what pregancy can do to a woman's body. Honestly, I look like any typical woman who has had a child, and compared to many of these, I'm actually doing really well!
(http://blogs.babble.com/babys-first-year-blog/2012/02/02/what-our-post-baby-bellies-really-look-like/)

But sometimes I worry about my future husband. Yes, I know that that guy I marry will love me no matter what, but I still am insecure about the fact that he isn't getting some pretty girl with a nice body. I feel like I am ripping him off or something. Like I said, I know that he will love me, and in the end my body doesn't matter, it would get all screwed up by kids anyways, but that doesn't keep insecurities from creeping into my mind. I just do my best to remember that I'm beautiful just the way I am, and if a guy doesn't agree, he isn't worth my time.

I can't be the first birthmom to worry about my body. Us birthmoms are put in a tight position, where we give up our pretty, youthful bodies for a child that we don't raise. It seems to other people like we go through all the suffering of pregnancy and childbirth, with nothing to show for it. Of course, we know better, because I would trade my body for Sunshine's happiness any day.

So, I'm learning to love my slightly distorted and scarred body. I like to think it tells part of my life story. My body will never let me forget what I went through for Sunshine, and I never want to. It's not perfect, and far from pretty, but it is beautiful in a corny, idealistic way. I think the scars feel kind of cool when I run my fingers over them, and I joke with my sisters that my loose skin feels like bread dough (though that is improving with time). I dress for my altered body type, and to be honest, I sometimes wear spandex to give the illusion of a more youthful silhouette. Also, I have a decently pretty face, so I like to think that it helps make up for the lesser attractive areas of my body. Most days I don't worry about my body too much, but there are those days where I just feel super disgusting and ugly, as all women do sometimes. And on those days, I just avoid the scale, eat a salad instead of ice cream, and look at pictures of my beautiful Sunshine. :)

LOOK AT THOSE CUTE TEETH!!!!!!!!!

Real Love. It's not what the movies say it is.

One time when I was like 11 years old my friend and I were supposed to go over to her aunts house to swim, well my friend got in trouble for something I don't remember, and we couldn't go. So I went home and cried because now I didn't know what to do that afternoon because my friend couldn't play with me and my dad told me "You just depend on her too much." and I asked him what he meant and he said that I needed to learn to have fun on my own too. For some reason this statement stuck in my head, and although I didn't do much about it then, I think about it often now. I don't want to be dependent on other people.

I've had a few relationships with guys where I was very dependent on them, especially emotionally. Those relationships always ended badly... I dated a guy for a year and a half, and didn't even want to be with him anymore for the last half of the relationship, but didn't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have him. It took him going away for a month for me to realize I would be just fine without him. I was still devastated by the break up and it was very emotionally tolling and complicated for me. I vowed to never have that kind of relationship ever again. The kind where I had to speak to them every second of every day, see them as often as possible, and constantly have them reinforcing my worth as a person. NEVER AGAIN.

So in my attempt to not have a clingy, dependent relationship, I found myself in a short series of very bad relationships, just this time, it was the opposite extreme. I refused to emotionally invest myself in any way whatsoever, but to try to make up for it, I gave them whatever I could physically and refused to commit. Most of these flings lasted only a few weeks, if that, and when it would go down the drain, I wouldn't even shed a tear. Every single one of them would go back to their clingy, annoying exgirlfriend that they always had complained about, which now I realize is because I wasn't giving them the emotional food they craved.

I have found myself on both extremes of the spectrum, and neither one is pleasant. So what is a good balance though? What is the difference between needing to be together every moment of every day, and just enjoying eachothers company? What causes a realtionship to be hurtful rather than helping? What is real love?

I think the world has the idea of love all wrong. There is this stereotype of love, that it is this romantic, desperate longing for someone, where all you do is think about them and want to be with them, and there is nothing more important than that person. The kind of love where people give up anything and everything just to be together. The whole "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff" (It Takes Two).

I am one of the few lucky kids these days who has parents who are still married, and they are a fantastic example to me of what real love is like. They aren't perfect, but they accept each other in their imperfectons and help build each other. I have never heard them have a yelling or screaming fight, yes I have heard them have disagreements, but they handle it like adults and talk it out and make compromises. They really love each other. They love to be together, and they love their family. They make each other so happy, but it isn't destructive.

Real love isn't needing somebody. But it is wanting somebody. You can go on with life without them, but if they are around, it makes it just that much better. It is caring about someone so much that you want to be better for them. They are your best friend, the person you turn to in challenges, and who you can be completely yourself around.

I've quoted Mrs. Snell before, and that time I was disagreeing with some of her comments, but this time I am going agree with her.  She has an article about Chemistry in a relationship. She talks about how in some relationships there are a lot of highs and lows, and the highs seem so much higher just because the lows are so low. In a good relationship there shouldn't be any extreme lows. Not that a relationship won't have its challenges, but there shouldn't be feelings of abandonment and rejection. A persons self worth should not be tied into the relationship.
(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2010/06/22/chemisty-what-is-it-how-do-i-recognize-it-and-how-important-is-it/)

Maybe I'm not one to say what real love is. I'm not married or in a relationship, or even close to being in one. But I have had my fair share of bad relationships and I've done plenty of observing. And I want to marry a guy that I love, but only if it's real love. The best friend, last forever, trusting and compromising kind of stuff.

"I'm still the same, not much has changed, I still know where I came from."

- A Day To Remember (Another Song About the Weekend)

Okay, so my adorable little Sunshine is getting bigger everyday!!! It still blows my mind that she is almost 10 months old! I feels like it has been so much longer since I had her... And good news, I have lost all the weight except like 5 lbs! I get to see her ever few weeks, at least once a month I go up there for Sunday evening dinner, or I stop by if I just happen to make my way up through Salt Lake.  I was at her family's house when I found out about Kelton, and I am insanely grateful to her parents for dealing with my mental self the day after.  I seriously could not have picked better people to be my little darlings parents! I hope her whole family knows how much I love and appreciate them!

Such a thoughtful little cutie!

I really miss being pregnant sometimes.  I was lucky that I had such an easy pregnancy, because it left a good taste in my mouth about the whole baby-growing ordeal.  The downside to this is that I wish I was pregnant alot, because I like having a sweet little baby all cuddled up and warm inside me.  It just made me happy.  But annoyingly enough, I still have just under 3 years left of college, and I don't want to stop halfway. 

And on the topic of college, I just started my first semester of Brigham Young University!!! Its crazy to think that I'm finally where I know I'm supposed to be. The summer before I got pregnant, my family and I travelled up to Montana to visit our extended family and we stopped in Salt Lake to visit all the historical things there.  I absolutely loved it, and although at the time I wanted to go to Montana for school, I secretly knew I needed to come to Utah.  But then, at one of the most critical times in life, I found myself pregnant, and my life was basically put on hold.

Although I still went to school and worked through my pregnancy, there were days when I thought I would never get anywhere in life.  There were days when I was so absolutely sure that I would never get out of San Angelo and that no decent man would ever love me again.  I thought I would be miserable forever.  In the ten months since I placed Sunshine, I have had all of these things proven wrong. God is awesome like that.

Now this summer has been very challenging. Between moving and trying to make new friends, Kelton dying, and all the stress of school and money, I would have to say it equals, if not surpasses, the summer I spent in Texas pregnant.  But with this new school year, I am realizing that everything I have been through the last two years has brought me to this exact place at this time for a reason.  Every time things get so difficult that I just want to give up, I remind myself that what I'm looking for is out there somewhere, and every day is just a moment closer to him.

DATING SUCKS.

So, as most of you know, I moved to Provo a few months ago. When I first moved here, I was in a semi-relationship with Kelton, and while I was definitely interested in dating, it wasn't much of a priority for me. I had Kelton and I didn't really mind if other guys weren't asking me out. Then Kelton died, and suddenly I had all this free time from when I used to be on the phone or Skyping or hanging out with him. And now, I really want to date.

But wanting to date is not enough, somehow I have to get guys to ASK me on dates. About a week ago, I went to an institute class where this dating coach lady, Alisa Goodwin Snell, came to speak. Now, she was a great speaker and everything she said made alot of sense, but it also reinforced that I absolutely suck at getting guys to like me. She had a whole list of what guys want/like when they meet a girl, which are listed here:

Acting cool, casual, indifferent, and flat in her body language (i.e. acting like a pal), tells a man she does not have faith in him or trust his ability to respect her feminine, vulnerable, or softer side.

Giving a man her number, calling him, or asking him out (without his pursuit of these things first) robs him of the challenge, sacrifice, and accomplishment that he needs to engage in if he is to value and appreciate her.

Refusing a man’s help not only tells him he is not needed or important, it also denies him the opportunity to experience her appreciation and to feel like a hero.

(http://itsyourtechnique.com/2011/02/17/7-signs-he-sees-you-as-a-pal-not-a-gal/)

All of which I pretty much do not do, or if I do, it is not frequently. That's just the way I am. I'm not super flirty or feminine acting. If I want a guy to text me and he hasn't asked, I give him my number, do with it what he pleases. And if I can do something, I will do it myself, the way I want it done. But, according to Alisa, these things turn off a guy because they don't make him feel masculine or needed.

But why should I go out of my way to make a guy like me? I'm not feminine and needy in relationships, so why should I act like I am? And why would I want a guy who needs me to reinforce his masculinity by acting feminine? I am comfortable with myself the way I am: pretty, smart, and capable. I've gone through an entire pregnancy without a male companion, I don't think there is much I need a guy for. But I want to get married and have kids someday, and disppointingly enough that requires a man. Also, I enjoy being in love, as long as it is a healthy sort of love.

My theory on all this is that the man I marry will love me the way I am. I don't think I should change the way I treat men, my future husband will recognize my indepenence and strength and not be threatened by it. So, while I may not get as many dates as a girl who is good at the above mentioned techniques for getting boys (which there is nothing wrong with), I will remain confident in the idea that the guy I will marry is out there and will find his way to me somehow. One of many times that Kelton and I were discussing love and relationships via Skype, he said to me "Well if he is the right one, he will wade through that river, scale that wall, and come to you." I've never forgotten that, because none of the other guys matter, except the right one.

Your smile fades in the summer.

DISCLAIMER(AGAIN): For those of you who don't known my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather. Also, I think my blog has evolved from not only a birthmother blog, but just a blog about my life in general, though I do owe you an update on little Sunshine! :D
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I wrote the following few paragraphs just a few days before Kelton died.



"I've found myself at a crossroads. And it's one of those crossroads where either path will lead to happiness. I have to decide whether to keep a certain boy in my life. Whether to continue things on as they are, a sort-of kinda relationship, never committing, or to commit and marry him. Problem is, I feel it is a decison that is much larger than myself, because depending how I make this decision, I will effect not only myself but my future spouse and children. I dont think that staying with Kelton would make my life miserable, I could be very happy with him, I just think I might be happier with somebody else. Maybe there is someone out there better for me. And someone out there that is better for him.
My dad gave me a blessing once, and he said in it that my eternal companion was out there looking for me, and I think he meant it literally, that right at this moment he is searching for me. I feel like I am supposed to find him soon, but my stubborn self is not in the right place yet. I have this urgency in my heart, like I need to put myself in a position where I am ready to be who I am supposed to be for him.

But what if I am wrong? What if I give up Kelton, someone who means so much to me, and I still have to wait around for a few years? I don't want to. I can't do it for that long."


So many people have asked me since he died if I had been planning to marry him. From the beginning, many of my friends told me they thought I would marry him, and I know his family wanted us to, even though they had never met me. They just said that he changed after he met me, and all they really cared about was that he was happier than he had ever been in his life. But for some reason neither of us felt right about being in a "real relationship". We were never fully committed to eachother and we were okay with that, but most people around us didn't understand it, especially when we had such obviously strong feelings for eachother. And looking back now, I understand why we felt that way, although we couldnt explain it.

We talked about marriage alot, especially in the few weeks before his death. We knew it had come to the point where we either had to be together for real, or break off the way things were. We loved eachother, it was undeniable, but we also knew that we both had alot to do with our lives before we were prepared for marriage. In some wierd way, I knew I wouldn't always have him. I just didn't think it would be his death that would remove him from my life. I thought it would be on my terms.

In some ways, I'm happy there wasn't a nasty difficult breakup with drama and hard feelings left over. But on the other hand, it's significantly more difficult to get over someone who never hurt you. I have literally no bad memories of Kelton. No bitterness that I can utilize to remind myself why I don't have him in my life anymore. I just have all the wonderful times that I miss so badly. And with a breakup, I could still talk to whatever jerkface it was, but in this situation... he's just gone. Completely. And my heart is having a hard time comprehending why someone so close to it just up and disappeared.

I'm feeling the healing happening. I know because sometimes I'm really sad and I cry. Or I will get so angry at Kelton for driving like an idiot and getting himself killed. Or I can be totally okay with it all and return to normal life. And because I have experienced loss before, I know that I prefer to deal with it alone, I like to stay very busy, and that I do something dramatic with my hair. All of which have occurred in the last few weeks.

I started writing out our story. I tried to write down every memory I had of him, in order. But the hardest part to write was the funeral,  because once I got past writing about his death, I didn't want to write anymore.  I felt like everything that really mattered had been said.
The funeral was the easy part of all this. The hard part was going back to real life again- walking into my apartment and putting my things down and realizing I had to go on with life again, as if he hadn't died. And so I do. I continue on with life, missing my best friend everyday. I always just remind myself that there has to be someone else out there for me, someone equally as awesome, because I knew from the beginning he wasn't mine to keep. But there will never be another Kelton Zundel.

I Dream of Aprons.

So, Utah is an odd place. And I fully intend to make a post about how freaking odd it really is, but right now I just want to focus on the fact that I now live in a much more populated area, that is also in proximity to a major city. And with this proximity and population there is alot of opportunity here that was not present in lil' old San Angelo. Not even as much as in an even bigger or more popular city, just more than San Angelo.

Well, at my beauty school (that I have to reattend to get my license in Utah), we get alot of "Guest Artists" who come to teach us new techniques and sell us products, tools, ect. One thing I have noticed about these artists is that they all talk about and profit and moving up in the world, and I don't see anything wrong with all that. Except I realized it really isn't something I care about.

Monday night we had a Redken artist (for those who are hair illiterate, she worked for one of the most presigious hair companies), and she was absolutely the sweetest lady ever, but she talked about money and how she had worked on celebrities, and everyone in the classroom wanted to know how to become a Redken artist. As I listened to her talk, and I have felt this many times before with other teachers too, I felt as if I HAD to become a rich stylist with high profile clients or else I would be a failure as a hairdresser. And I think that I felt that way because that is that standard that all stylists are held to- the closer you are to that, the better stylist you are!

I don't doubt my ability to make it to the big leagues as a stylist. I really think I could if I wanted to. But at that moment that I felt that pressure to be a wealthy stylist, I got very sad. Because if I did set that as my priority, it would mean all the other things I want to do, such as get a degree, marry, and have a family, would have to take a backseat. So, as my evening wore on, I sat there conflicted. The world tells me I should want to be a wealthy stylist, while, honestly, I don't think I want that. Don't get me wrong, the money and nice things and attention would probably be awesome, but at the same time, it means working long hours, travelling, and alot of responsibility, leaving very little time left over for the things that I feel REALLY matter.

Then that night I had this dream, and I feel like I disclose too many of my dreams to you blog readers, but I have found they really tell me things about myself. I don't think it's so much in a spiritual or vision related sort of way, just that my feelings manifest themselves wierdly in my dreams and since I remember my dreams so well, I can use them to figure out things about myself. Anyways, in this dream of mine, I always wore cute aprons. I had all these checkered and plaid aprons that I wore everyday, and I liked them. Well, I decided to try for a part in a movie, and so for some reason someone gave me a makeover basically and threw away all my aprons and I had to wear different, "better" clothes. And I missed my aprons, they were part of who I was. And when I saw my family, they all missed my aprons too, because they liked the Alisha who wore the apron.

Almost all hairstylists aspire to become rich and famous, or own their own salon, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that idea. But I think that I will be happiest in a nice little house, with my averagely paid husband and adorable kids...wearing my aprons.

Burrito.

(For those who don't know me or my blog very well, Kelton is NOT Sunshine's birthfather.)


It was a typical Thursday night, and I showed up to Institute early as always for dinner. I don't remember what we ate, but I was wearing skinny jeans, my stud belt, a flowery black tank top and cardigan. I remember when Kelton walked in, wearing jeans and his A Day To Remember tshirt and looked utterly adorable. He was so happy and upbeat. I kept sneaking peeks up at him when he wasn't looking, and hoped he noticed me the way I was him. We then had class and afterward I hoped he would stay to play Scrud, but he took off pretty quickly. For the next week, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't remember his name, but my friend told me and I looked for him on Facebook but couldn't find him. On Sunday, I even went to his ward and hoped he wold be there but he wasn't. The next Thursday I went to institute with high hopes, and he was there! But this time he stayed to play Scrud. During the game we talked a little bit, and he was so sweet and a ton of fun. The whole time, I was contemplating giving him my number, but I was so nervous that he would just think I was crazy. I'm not usually the type of girl to give my number to someone I don't know, but every piece of me was telling me to do it. So I took a leap of faith, and I will never ever regret it.

But last night I got a message on Facebook, telling me that Kelton had been in an accident and died. The message came at 7:40... And I had only just spoken to him an hour before on the phone. I thought it was a joke, I called his cousin and demanded that he stop messing with me, but he wasn't. Kelton was gone. My best friend, my Zookeeper Kid, my Burrito. I really am not sure how to describe him, because all these words sound so mundane, but I guess I will try because I never want to forget the things he taught me. Kelton showed me what a real man is. He loved me no matter what my body looked like and appreciated my talents and quirks and wierd things I did for no reason. I told him everything and listened when he told me his secrets. I could tell him any mistake I ever made in the past, and he never cared or judged me for it. He loved hearing about Sunshine, and I promised him he could meet her someday, although he never had the chance on this earth. He was the most dedicated person I have ever known, and if he said he was going to do something, he did it... even if he botched it up a little. ;) I'm not going to make Kelton out to be perfect, because he wasn't. He was very imperfect, and thats one of the many reasons I loved him so much. He reminded me that I could be an amazing person, even if I messed up sometimes. We could talk and communicate so openly, even about difficult subjects, and he would try to see from my point of view and never get angry. We never had a fight even when we disagreed, although that was still rare. I have never met someone so like me, yet so different. We had many of the same experiences and views of religion and life, and leaned on eachother spiritually whenever we felt inadequate. We were much alike in that we were realistic and undramatic. He impressed me by his talent and passion for music, seeing as I had none. Some of my favorite memories with him is watching him play or listen to music, and the look he had in his eye and the happiness he felt at those moments. He worked very hard at his job, the military, and in his relationships, and accomplished so much for a boy his age.

Much of our friendship took place over long distance, but he would call me every morning to make sure I got up for school, text me frequently during the day, and we would talk on the phone or Skype every evening.  I knew Kelton as a friend, a counselor, an inspiration, an example, a confidante, and the other end of my telepathy. I'm sad I only got to know him for the last 5 months of his life, but I'm grateful to have had at least that much, and I know I will see him again. I know he is up there with Heavenly Father and he still loves me, and I hope he has the girl that he deserves, because there was nothing he wanted more than a wife and children.

I miss you so much Kelton, and you set the standard high for every man after you. It's going to be a challenge for me to find someone who understands me like you did. Also, now that you're dead, I'm being all sappy and lovey-dovey (or at least as sappy as I can possibly get, you know I'm not the romantic type).
I love you times a billion!

Daddy!

Some time last year, I was sitting in church, quite a few months pregnant, and my dad was giving the talk. His talk was on priesthood, and I really don't remember much other than that, but seeing him up there, so powerful and filled with the spirit, made me realize I had to have that for my little girl. I realized that I couldn't imagine her growing up without a worthy priesthood holder as a father.

If I kept her, she would have a grandfather that had the priesthood, but her father would not. She would miss out on the opportunity for so many things, like Father's blessings and her dad baptizing her. It broke my heart to think that if I kept her she could not have those things. 

I think this was when I first truly and honestly started considering adoption, because my dad was such a huge part of my life, and I wanted her dad to be just as amazing as mine. So I placed Sunshine, and now she has a wonderful father named Jared, who is most definitely everything I had wanted for my little girl. He is a smart, kind, loving man who is completely devoted to God and his family.

So, this Fathers Day I would like to recognize these amazing fathers who are awesome examples to me and Sunshine. I love you and thank you for all your hard work, love, and devotion you show the women and children in your life!!!

 

 

 

The Birthfather.

I used to think I loved Sunshine's birthfather. And I think I maybe did in a way, but I don't know in what way that was. Because I didn't love him until I was about 4 months into my pregnancy and now, six months later, I don't love him at all. I've sort of struggled with it inside my head, I havent been sure if I loved him or not, and then last night I had this dream.
Somehow, he showed up in my house. I was laying on the couch and he was on the floor in front of me, and for some reason my arm was around his neck and my head resting on his. Then I realized what was going on, and I hadn't even seen him since Sunshine was born, so why was he here? So I stood up and walked away. He found me and talked to me a little bit, I told him I was moving to Provo and he said he knew. More than anything I just remember feeling nothing for him. Not hatred or anger or sadness or love or desire. Nothing. He was just another person, and I was okay with that. I went back to the couch, and he left without me noticing and I don't know where he went.
Now, I am over 1000 miles away, and I guess now that I am so far away I feel okay with talking about how I feel about him, because I probably won't ever see him again. And I've realized I don't love him. I never really loved him. Because love is not a desperate yearning for someone who will never reciprocate. It is not hormones or pregnancy or loneliness that create love. So what is love?
That is something I have contemplated alot lately, because I have been thinking alot about who I am going to marry. How will I feel about him? What kind of relationship will we have? How will I know he is the one?!?! I thought I loved her birthfather, but I didn't, so how can I ever trust my emotions? I hope someday soon I will figure out the answer to this, because right now it's all just up in the air. Everyone says "Oh, you just KNOW when he is the one." Well, I don't know yet so I guess he isn't around or I'm just not ready.
So did I love Sunshine's birthfather? I don't know if I ever loved him, but I sure thought I did. If, at any moment until I signed the paperwork, he had turned to me and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, I don't know what I would have done. I like to think that I would have been strong enough to say no and still place Sunshine like I knew I was supposed to, but theres a piece of me who would have wanted to believe it so badly. That loved him and wanted him to love me back.
He never told me he loved me, and I think I was very lucky for that. I was never fooled into thinking there was a chance for us to be together. I was never manipulated by those words that pull in so many girls, though is it worse that I wasn't? Is it worse that I knew from the beginning that he didn't love me? Because I can never use that as an excuse, if it even qualifies as one. I can never play the part of the innocent girl in love who was tricked. I knew exactly what was going on.
I remember a moment right before we signed the paperwork, when just him and I were in the hospital room with Sunshine. He was holding her and I was sitting next to him. We had been talking, but for a few moments the conversation lulled, and he put his hand on my knee. It struck me at that moment how wrong it was for his hand to be there. Later on, I realized that he thought I belonged to him, just like he thought Sunshine did. I was just another one of his possessions, but he wasn't mine. He had always made that clear to me. I think back to that, and wish I would have realized then that I didn't love him. But I didn't and whether it was the drugs or the homones or the bodily trauma a had just endured, it took months for me to really see what that gesture meant.
I don't love him and I never did. Not in the true, timeless, wonderful love that results in marriages that last forever. Not in the way my parents love eachother or that I hope to love my husband someday.
I haven't seen him since the adoption, and I probably won't ever again. I see Sunshine sometimes, and I can see his features in her. She has his smile and dark hair, and I don't mind it. I even hope she grows up to have some of his artistic talent. No matter what, she is still the light of my life and the most wonderful baby ever!

The Most Wonderful Day EVER!

So I haven't posted in forever, because my life has been pretty much insane lately. I finished off my first year of college, finished working at Smartstyle, moved to Provo, and saw Sunshine again for the first time in 6 months. And all that happened in a week. Talk about exhausting. So I have spent the last few days sitting on the couch in my apartment watching TV. The last time I sat on the couch for more than ten minutes was when I was 9 months pregnant- and pretty much couldn't do anything except sit on a couch.
My whole family came up from Texas with me to move me in and see Sunshine. Now, in the LDS church, when families are married or sealed in one of our temples by the proper authority, we believe that they are together as a family in heaven after they die also. In most cases, once parents or families are sealed together, the children born to them afterward are automatically sealed. Well, in adoptive families, since the children are not born to the parents, they have to be individually sealed to the parents once the adoption is finalized. Jared and Amy were so wonderful and invited my parents to come to Sunshine's sealing to them. So we arrived at the temple just a little while before Jared  and Amy and I had the opportunity to see Sunshine before they went into the Temple.
It was so surreal, seeing her again in real life for the first time. It took a few minutes to sink in, and I just stood and looked at her for a few minutes, trying to believe she was really the baby I gave birth to. She was sleeping in her carseat, and i just touched her face just barely and she spit out her pacifier and gave me a half asleep little smile. And thats when I started bawling. I was so happy to see her again. It wasn't hard, or sad, or painful in any way for me. I was just happy. So happy that she was happy, and her family was happy, and I was happy. I told her I loved her, and then her family went into the temple to be sealed.
My sisters and brother and I just walked around the temple grounds for the next hour and a half or so and then we went back to Jared and Amy's for Sunshine's blessing and lunch. I was finally able to meet a bunch of Sunshine's family and friends that Jared and Amy had always talked about. I was really nervous and self-concious about meeting all these people. A concern that I have as a birthmother is people thinking I want Sunshine back. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I love her more than anything, but I also have a firm tstimony that she is Jared and Amy's daughter. So, much of the time I was concerned about not coming off like I was trying to intrude on their family.
Eventually most everyone left, but Jared and Amy had invited us to stay a little later and I was able to give Sunshine her first haircut! She was born with alot of hair, and it had grown like crazy for the last 6 months. It was such a fun experience. So many birthmoms are sad about losing out on experiences like that, and I appreciate so much how Jared and Amy involve me in Sunshine's life. They don't have to, and I would understand if they didn't, but they still do. And now Sunshine looks alot less scruffy, now that all the random long hairs are trimmed back!!!
My family and I got to play with Sunshine for a good couple of hours, and it was so wonderful! She is just the happiest, silliest, little girl. She is soooo ticklish and has the cutest smile. Anytime someone had a necklace on, she would grab it and try to eat it. She loves her big brother so much! It was so funny anytime he was around or you could hear his voice she would look for him, it was the sweetest thing! Sometimes, when she was sitting on one of our laps, she would throw herself backwards, and then sit up and then throw herself backwards again and giggle. It was such a long day for her, and she got very overly tired, but didn't want to stop playing! I took her up to her room and tried to rock her, but she just got really mad, so I laid her in her crib and sat down in the rocking chair. She screamed for another thirty seconds or so and then calmed down and rolled over. She just looked at me for a couple of minutes and I talked to her for a little bit. Then she laid her head down and was asleep in just a few seconds. To her, I was probably just another person tickling her and playing with her, but to me she was the world for those few hours.
We stuck around for a little bit longer, and just talked while my little brother and Sunshine's brother played, and then we said our goodbyes and left. It wasn't a sad goodbye or anything, because I know I will see them again, especially now that I live less than 2 hours away!
Seeing Sunshine again was pretty much the highlight of this week though, it was awesome. I was so suprised at how okay I was with it! I was so unsure of how I would feel. But I felt wonderful and happy and completely assured that I made the right decision  in placing her for adoption. She has everything I would have ever wanted to give her and more. I love her and her family so much, and I hope they all know it! And I hope they all know I am so greatful for everything they have done for her and me and my family.

 I think this picture is adorable!

 Her family after the sealing :)

First haircut!

Feelings.

I've started to feel guilty recently. Like, that I'm not involved enough with Sunshine and her parents. Like, that by going on with my own life I'm forgetting her and not keeping her as a priority in my life.
I was reading an old blog post, and I said "I'll never stop missing her, but I'll get used to it." And I realized that is exactly what has happened. I've gotten used to not being pregnant. I've gotten used to the idea that I had a baby and now she's out there going on about her life without me. And that's okay, I can go on with mine. I miss her, always, but I'm used to it and therefore I am a fully functonal human being with a life and a future.

But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who is pretty good at putting my emotions in a box and leaving them there. I just push them away and don't worry about it anymore. That's pretty much how I have made it through the first few months of Sunshine being gone. The worst part is, sometimes I lose that box, and I forget I even have those emotions so I just think everythings okay, until one day when I'm rummaging around in my mind I find that box, and I peek inside to see whats there...and out comes something I'm not prepared for.
And I feel one of those moments coming on right now. I avoid thinking about how I felt when Sunshine was born, or my life before that, or the few long days after it. Because I'm okay when I don't think about it to hard. I can tell you the whole story and be just fine, but if you want to know how I felt when it happened...you better find me some tissues.

Perks to being a Birthmother

So, everyone thinks being a birthmother is all depressing and sad, which it is sometimes, but there is a ton of amazing things about being a birthmother and I've been thinking about those things alot lately, especially since I've been feeling really okay.

Perk #1 - I have proof that I make super adorable babies. Seriously, she is so gorgeous!

Perk #2 - There is just something very fulfilling about sacrificing so much for someone. I am so proud of my decision and how it has effected her and I both. Although it was extremely difficult and emotional, I've come out of it with a strong sense of identity and confidence. I don't mean that anyone should get pregnant and place their baby just to have a "good life experience" but it happened to me unintentionally so I let myself learn from it.

Perk #3 - It sets me apart from most people I meet. I used to always wish there was something interesting or different about me, and now there is. I've experienced something that very few people have to experience, and that's wonderful to me.

Perk #4 - OPEN ADOPTION. Pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It has brought so many fantastic people into my life. Two of those being Sunshine's parents. They are so wonderful and I love them to death. Open adoption is basically like gaining a whole new family. And no one can have too much family!

Perk #5 - I have experience with being pregnant and having babies. Luckily, I had a super wonderful experience and will most definitely do it again. Like, 20 times. Yes, you heard it right, I want 20 babies. I'm going to beat the Duggars. (TOTALLY KIDDING. kind of.) But really, I loved being pregnant, minus the whole beiong unmarried and in school and working all at the same time.

Perk #6 - It's kind of a good boy-weeder. If a guy can't accept the fact that I have had a baby, then he isn't worth my time. The guy I'm going to marry is going to love me for my decision and won't mind Sunshine's existence or that I talk about her way to much. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the guys who think that because I've had a baby, I'm easy. Well, that's not true, and they'll figure that out pretty quick.

Perk #7 - I get pictures like this one almost weekly. You just can't complain about that! :P

BABIES!

So, since I had Sunshine, I have been terrified of babies. I've never been a big babies person, some girls love to play with peoples babies and just think they're all so cute and wonderful. Me? Not so much. A baby is a baby to me, maybe because I am an oldest child and helped take care of Darby and Hunter when they were born so it's all just old news for me. Maybe just because I'm just not really all that maternal or because I'm intellectual and babies aren't so much.  I don't know. I've just never been a baby person.

When I was pregnant, I became very interested in other peoples babies. I asked myself many times, "Can I see myself doing this? With my own baby? For an extended period of time?" It was kinda fun to think of how it would be if I kept Sunshine but at the same time I was terrified.  I never really liked babies before, what made me think I could like one now?  Would it just drive me crazy trying to interact with something that couldn't do anything for itself? Would I get frustrated that I had to do everything for her? Babies are hard work, and I was well aware of it.

Then I had Sunshine, and taking care of her in the hospital is pretty much the highlight of my life so far. I was so suprised at how maternal I really could be! I loved Sunshine so much and I was completely wrapped around her finger, if she made even a peep I would come running. She was so cute! I think I did a pretty good job of taking care of her for my 48 hours, and I have no idea how it would have been in the long run, but I like to think I would have been a great mother to Sunshine. No matter what, I loved her to death and she was and still is the most beautiful, wonderful, adorable baby ever born on this earth.

Now I come to my fear of babies, which I have just recently conquered.  I was afraid of babies ever since I left the hospital for fear of having a complete meltdown from missing Sunshine. Thank goodness no one I knew had a baby in the few weeks before or after I had Sunshine, and somehow I never came in contact with any that I knew had been born recently. I was really anxious about it, just because I wasn't sure how I would feel - whether I would be upset, or happy, or just not care.  One time right after I went back to work a girl came into the salon who had a baby about the same age as Sunshine. I didn't know the girl and didn't get a good look at her baby but I went in the back and cried a little, but mostly out of fear of that little person in the car seat. Utter fear that if I saw the baby I would fall apart. She left and I never had to confront it, but sometimes I wonder how I would have felt if I looked in the car seat. Would I have seen Sunshine looking back at me?

Just a few weeks ago, I went to my friend Liz's house. Liz is a birthmom also, except she placed her baby about 4 years ago.  She is now married and has 2 kids, her youngest being a girl 2 months younger than Sunshine.  I had just walked in the door when her son was throwing a fit and her girl crying a little. While she was dealing with her son, I picked up her daughter. I held her for a minute, expecting a flood of memories and tears....and nothing. Yeah, she was an adorable baby, but I felt no longing for Sunshine like I thought I would. I didn't start crying or hurting and I pretty much felt the same way about this baby as I did with babies before mine.  My fear was conquered.

I've come to the conclusion that I love my baby, but other people's not so much. I might be a shame to the female gender for not loving everybody's babies, but thats just how it is.  Nobody else's baby is as awesome as mine, so I guess I just don't feel the same way about them. (That was a joke...kinda.) And maybe it's partially cause most babies I see don't look to much like Sunshine - alot of the babies at my church are light skinned, blonde and mostly bald. Sunshine is part Hispanic, and so she has darker complexion and a ton of dark brown hair.  So I don't even relate them inside of my head. 

I still wanna have more babies, probably like 5 or something, (with my husband obviously) but they're going to be MY babies, with my genetics, and I will love them just as much as I love Sunshine. But until then, I am perfectly happy loving my baby and nobody else's!!!! :)

Open Adoption: A Modern Marvel

So as everyone around me discusses the terrible things about modern society - drugs, media, politics - I am so extremely greatful that I live in this period of time. Why? Because even just fifteen years ago, open adoption was unheard of. Because open adoption is such a new aspect of adoption, most people don't know exactly what it entails, so I decided to write a post about it. Now, every adoption scenario is very different, so what I say about open adoption isn't always the case, but its what I know and have seen in my short time in the adoption world.

Okay, so I'll start by setting out what adoption in general entails.  There is generally 3 people or group of people involed - the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the child.  The birthparents, obviously, ae the biological parents of the child, and the adoptive parents are the ones adopting the child.  Many times the adoption happens through an adoption agency - mine was LDS family services (who are awesome, you can check out their unwed parent help center at itsaboutlove.org ). The adoption agency generally is the mediator between the birthparents, adoptive parents, and the law.  They help birthparents and adoptive parents meet, handle all the paperwork and legal details, and in many cases provide counseling and guidance to both birth and adoptive parents. 

Legally, a child is not placed with their adoptive parents until 48 hours after it's birth.  This is for the protection of the birthmother, to make sure she is thinking clearly when she places and is not on any major drugs. After that, the adoption isn't completely finalized until 6 months after placement.  When a girl places her baby for adoption, she gives up ALL rights and responsibilities for the child.  She can never get her child back, no matter what. So what if in 5 years she decides she wants her baby? Well too bad. Can't have it. It sounds kinda harsh, but at the same time, trying to take your baby back later isn't fair to the child or their parents. Placing a baby is a lifetime committment - almost even a lifestyle. It's a decision a birthmom deals with everyday and eventually learns to cope with it and it's effects on her life.
And this is where open adoption and closed adoption split - in an open adoption, some form of contact remains between the two sets of parents, while in closed adoption, there is no identifying information exchanged and neither set of parents meet or ever hear from eachother again.  Open adoptions have many "levels of openness". The level of openness is a mutual agreement between the birthparents and adoptive parents and is NOT legally inforced in any way. Open adoption depends solely on the honor of adoptive parents and their committment to keeping their child's birth parents informed. If one day Sunshine's adoptive parents dropped off the face of the earth and never spoke to me again, theres not a whole lot I could do about it. Not that I think this will happen, it won't, Jared and Amy are too wonderful for that :) but it happens to a lot of birthmothers and can cause alot of heartache.

There is alot of pros and cons to open adoptions, and everyone has their own comfort level and that's why adoption stories are all so different. But I think the best thing about open adoption is that  nobody has to wonder! Many people hear about people who are traumatized by the fact that they are adopted and wish they could know "where they came from" or know about their biological parents.  Sunshine will never wonder.  She will always know me and where she came from and why and how she ended up with Jared and Amy.  She will never have to wonder what I looked like or about what kind of person I am or what characteristics she got from me. And on the flip side, I will always know about her. I will never have to wonder what she looks like or how she acts or what her favorite color is.  I will never wonder if she is okay or how she is doing.  And that is such a blessing to me.  And lastly, her parents will never have to wonder where their daughter came from or why she is the way she is.

I am super lucky, and have more openness than I ever expected. I went searching for Sunshine's family with the attitude that I needed to find the parents who were right for her, not for me. I assumed that anyone looking to adopt didn;t want me interfering in their lives to often.  Now, Sunshine's parents and I have an amazing relationship and they are so unbelivably open and kind.  Just the other night, Sunshine got a stomach bug and her mom took her to the doctor, it ended up not being a big deal, but she called me the next day, just to let me know! And although I don't expect her to do things like that, I know she knows how to take care of her own baby and I trust her with it all, I appreciated the thought so much.  She didn't have to do it, but she still did. Just because Jared and Amy are so awesome.

I don't know if I would be so okay with the adoption if it wasn't for the openness. I don't know if I could have gotten through my first week post-placement if I couldn't have texted them everyday just to see how she was doing.  I don't that I would be able to talk about her so openly and in everyday conversation if I didn't have the openness. Sunshine isn't a secret and I'm not ashamed of her and I'm proud to be able to show people pictures of her whenever they ask how she's doing.

One time, Amy took Sunshine to the doctor and one of the nurses asked her if she had some condition while she was pregnant, and Amy says "Well, shes adopted, but I can call and ask if you'd like!" and the nurse just gave her an odd look and says "No, thats okay, I'll let you know if we really need it.". People aren't accustomed to the idea of open adoption, but slowly, it is becoming more prevalent and hopefully someday all the bad generalizations and stigmas about adoption will fade away because adoption truly is a beautiful miracle that blesses so many people today.

I didn't want myself.

Tomorrow will be exactly 12 weeks since I placed Sunshine. It was the day that I signed the paperwork that said I was no longer "Alisha and Sunshine" but "just Alisha" again. It doesn't feel like its been so recent. It feels like it happened a long long time ago, like a different life or something. I remember for weeks before having her I just wanted it to be over with. I just wanted to have my baby, place her with her parents, and get on with my life. I was so stressed and emotionally exhausted and tired of being huge and fat.
And some days, unbelievably, I wish I could go back to that life.  I get tired of being "just Alisha". I wish I could see her little feet and hands poking through my stomach. I wish I could feel her hiccup just one last time. Thinking back makes me wish I would have cherished all those little things while I was pregnant. 

Anyways, after that little memoir of my pregnancy, I come to my true dilemma in life: Boys. I had it easy when I was pregnant...not many guys are into pregnant girls, and therefore I wasn't confronted with it for a long time.  Now, I must re-learn to socialize with members of the opposite sex.  Not that I didn't talk to guys while I was pregnant...I did, but I felt no pressure to want them to like me. I knew they didn't and wouldn't. But now! Now, I again feel the yearning of a young girl for attention from boys.  I want them to think I'm cute and flirt with me and want to hang out.  And even before I was pregnant, that was all I had ever wanted from a boy. His attention! I just wanted to feel special and pretty.  Which ended up being fatal for me.

I don't know when it happened exactly, or why, or how, but I know that at some point between ages 12 and 14 my sense of self worth began depending on boys and not myself and who I knew I was.  I started struggling with depression.  I thought I was fat and ugly.  I felt untalented and uninteresting and unwanted.  I became very shy, fearful of people and socializing.  Which was not characteristic of me.  When I was younger I was never shy or depressed, I was confident in myself as a cute, smart, fun girl. And somewhere, somehow, that awesome girl started hating herself.

The only time I didn't hate myself was when I had a guy constantly telling me I was pretty or fun or cool.  If someone else didn't want me, I didn't want myself.  It was a cycle, slowly deepening each time I met a new boy. It went like this: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl and gives her a little attention. Girl likes boy alot more. Boy gives girl a little more attention. Girl keeps liking boy more. Boy begins to lose interest. Girl becomes desperate to get that little bit of attention again. So she does whatever it takes to keep his interest...which meant giving up a little more of herself than she really ever wanted to. Eventually boy loses interest completely and girl is hurt and confused. And it happens again and again and again. Except each time the girl gives up a little more and a little more hoping each time that the new boy will stay...and he never does.

I stopped believing I was worth anything. Nobody wanted me. I was ugly and fat and boring. It breaks my heart now to look back at myself when I was 17; I really was pretty and smart. But I thought that I needed some immature guy to tell me it for it to be true. But now I look in the mirror, and although I am 10 lbs heavier with stretchmark scars and I will never look quite the same again...I love myself. For exactly who I am. For the intelligent, talented, beautiful daughter of God that I was when I was born and always have been.

So, to other teenage girls, don't do like I did and forget what you're worth. Don't forget who you are. You are "priced far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10)  Even if some 15 year old boy who doesnt know his left hand from his right tells you you're not- you are. I know it, God knows it, and you know it.

Together, we are motherhood.

--I wrote this one a few months ago but forgot to post it, so here it is :) --

I never REALLY wanted to be a mom. Like, I wanted to have kids eventually, and I knew that family was important, blah blah blah... but I had my own personal goals that I intended on fulfilling before I ever got married or even considered having babies. And then BAM! one day, I didn't have that choice. I was pregnant, and I was going to have a baby regardless of whatever plans I had for my future. And you know what? I didn't care. I loved Sunshine from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care if I had to give up my dreams of getting a masters degree or being a cosmetics developer. I just wanted to be the best mom to her that I could ever be...in the end that entailed placing her for adoption, but that's not the point. The point is that I finally understood the immense and powerful love mothers have for their children. It's irrevocable and unconditional and incomprehensible. I cant even describe the feeling of it except by saying what it is not, because I can't really explain what it is.

This understanding of motherly love really caused me to appreciate all great mothers and what they do. Because being a mother isn't just giving birth or having a cute kid or all the wonderful things that comes with having kids. Motherhood is work. It is pain and suffering and disappointment. Motherhood is probably one of the greatest challenges that God has given to us. Mothers suffer through pregnancy and childbirth, they stay up all night with crying babies (and teenagers...and well, any age of person), they let scared toddlers into bed with them, they fight everyday to teach their children the gospel, they deal with the disappointment of childrens bad choices, they feel pain when their children are in pain. Mothers are heroes. I may not be Sunshine's mom, but in a certain way I am (I know that was contradictory, please bear with me.). Birthmoms are entrusted with one of God's choice spirits to nourish and care for and protect, even if for only a time. We are given the responsibility of making sure that the child we grew inside of us makes it to the family they are meant for, in spite of our personal emotional pains. We love our babies more than ourselves, and that sort of love makes it possible to do what we do. And that makes us as much mothers as the next lady who raises her child. On the other hand, Amy (Sunshines's mom) may not be able to bear children of her own, but she is still completely capable (if not more so) of loving and caring for children at the same level as any other mom. I don't know all the details, and I don't care to, but I do know that Amy suffered for a very long time before she was blessed with a child- through adoption. I hurt for her, and for all the time that she had to wait and for the pain that I know it caused her. Motherhood isn't easy, and it hurts, alot.

After that downer of a paragraph, I can't stress my next line strongly enough: IT IS WORTH IT. Sunshine isn't even 5 weeks old yet, and I already know that every ounce of pain I have suffered for her and will suffer for her is all completely worth it. It was worth it the first time I saw her. It is worth it everytime I get a picture or hear about how wonderful and beautiful she is. It will always be worth it. Her happiness makes it worth my pain because her happiness makes me happy. It's like a big circle of love and happiness and sacrifice and pain that just leads to more love and happiness and so on. I can't speak for every mother in the world, but I don't think it is a stretch to say that most mothers feel this way.

Having had a baby, and placing her, has made me want to be a mom, so badly. It has made me yearn for pretty little children of my own. I can't wait until the day that I am married and can have children that are mine to raise and cherish and nurture. But until then, Sunshine is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world and I would and have done whatever it takes to put her where she belongs, which is with her mom, Amy.

I don't feel like I am Sunshine's mother, more like her sister or close friend who gave birth to her, and I do have that motherly love for her where I want to do everything possible to make sure she turns out to be a wonderful, happy girl. But Amy is her mom. She will be the one who teaches her to tie her shoes and will kiss her scratches and do all the things that a mom does for their child. I am so thankful to have found such a phenomenal woman to be Sunshine's mom.

"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood." -Desha Wood

My last night with Sunshine.

Tonight, I miss Sunshine. Tonight, I am lonely and angry. Tonight, I don't want to sleep and I don't want to be awake and I am just sad.

On nights like tonight, I always think back to my last night in the hospital with Sunshine. I stayed alone that night, just her in the room with me. I talked to her a lot that night, not that she could understand my words or talk back, but I know she understood what my heart was saying to her. I told her how much I loved her and was going to miss her. I sang to her my favorite children's song, A Child's Prayer. I held her and rocked her and hugged her and kissed her, since I knew I wouldn't get to do those things again for a good while. I remember looking into her deep dark brown eyes and seeing so much innocence and beauty. I laid her next to me in my bed, tucked under my arm, and just watched her sleep until I fell asleep too, with her right there next to me. That is my most precious memory of my time with her. Just having that one night with her next to me, it was so perfect and quiet and I can't hardly explain what it means to me now. I just know I love Sunshine so much and I hope she knows it too.

So on nights like tonight, I lay in bed and go back 9 weeks and imagine I have my baby next to me again, and for just a moment I'm not quite as lonely anymore.

A second chance at being young.

I had to grow up in 9 months. I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty fast. I was thrust from being an average high school kid, selfish and irresponsible (like any high school kid should be), into the adult world of babies, finances, and responsibilities. I struggled with it, like any teenager would. It wasn't fair! Why did MY life suddenly have to fall apart? Why did I have to work and go to school and be pregnant all at once? There are kids out there who do alot worse things than what I did, and they didn't face the choice that I had!!! I felt separated from my peers, from my siblings, from everybody! My sisters would have friends over, and I'd try to talk and joke with them, but it didn't feel right. They all just looked at me wierd, kind of how I used to look at my dad wierd when he joked with my friends. I wasn't one of them anymore. But I wanted to be! So badly, I wanted to be 17 again. I hated having to be mature. I hated having to think like an adult, act like an adult, be an adult! But I didn't get the choice, not if I wanted to do what was best for my baby, because if I had been immature about my choice, I would have kept her. So I put on my big girl panties, grew up, and placed my baby.

And that choice has had an unexpected outcome for me: A second chance at being young!!! Of course, I'll never be the same again. I still feel slightly separated from other kids my age, but I think I'll always feel that way, because not many people to go through what I have and do what I did. But I do get to think of myself a little more. I get to hang out with my friends until midnight and sleep late in the mornings and joke about cute boys. I get to have fun without worrying if my baby is okay and I get to buy things for myself with my money. I get to be a kid again....just a smarter one this time! :) And one who appreciates the lack of responsibility of being young.

Now, I didn't place my baby because I wanted to still be a kid. I love Sunshine to death, and I would have kept her if it wouldn't have negatively affected her. But it would have, so I placed her, because that was what was right. And I was completely selfless in that decision, so I think I deserve to be a little selfish now, right?

2011: I have woven a parachute out of everything broken.

One year ago, my life as I now know it began. One year ago, I was immature and selfish. I had a very low self esteem, and found myself looking for personal confirmation from other people - mostly boys. I couldn't think for myself and I let the world push me around, and tell me who I should be. In this last year, I have had more challenges and blessings, heartbreak and love, desperation and faith, than I have in all the years before it....combined. In that year, I accomplished so many things, big and small. I graduated high school, got my Cosmetology license, worked, went to college, made friends (and enemies), did everything I set my mind to. But those things aren't the things that make 2011 stand above all other years.

One year ago, today, Sunshine's birthfather and I started dating. Exactly one year ago. That's when it all started going downhill, and only a few months later I found myself pregnant. I never imagined it would happen to me, but it did. And with him! Sometimes I've wondered, "Why him? Why not a guy that I could have married and raised my baby?" but then I remember that if he had been the kind I could have married, Jared and Amy would have never gotten Sunshine. Consequently, I embarked along the difficult path of placing my baby for adoption. I didn't think I could do it in the beginning. I was absolutely terrified. I thought it was impossible for me to have that kind of strength. I didn't think I had it in me to make that kind of choice, go through with it, and survive emotionally and spiritually. But I was wrong.

I made that choice, went through with it, and stand here today as a significantly different person than I was a year ago. I did something that I deemed impossible for me. And I came out of it stronger, smarter, and happier than I ever could have imagined. Today I can look back on the last year and say I am honestly proud of myself for who I have become and the changes I made in my life. Today I can look back and say I know I did the right thing and I can continue on this path in my life. I've learned to love in a whole new way, and grown closer to my Heavenly Father and Christ. I learned who my real friends were and made new ones too. I discovered that I am capable of anything as long as I have my Heavenly Father there by my side. I learned to never lose hope or faith, and trust in God's timing. In a year, my whole life has fallen apart and rebuilt itself into something amazing.

So, I begin 2012 a whole new person, dedicated to God and my future. Dedicated to improving more than I already have and accomplishing more than I did in 2011. Who knows where I will find myself a year from now?